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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separated - seeing married man plus others - complicated

54 replies

ByronsMummy · 19/10/2017 11:34

Hi Mumsnetters,

I separated from my husband 7 mths ago but due to finances are having to live together. I started seeing a married man I knew from way back. We fell in love quickly. He is emotionally and sexually inexperienced having only ever had sex with his wife and no other relationships at all. He doesn't know what normal is. After they had kids, no more sex, for several years now. No affection. She refuses to discuss the situation. He is deeply unhappy at home but can't quite find the confidence to leave. In an effort to stop putting pressure on him and feeling so frustrated, I told him I'd move on and start dating other men. Although upset, he accepted this and knows he risks the chance I might meet someone and fall in love.

This brings me onto the 2nd part. OLD! God, I've been messed around so much. The ones that are super keen are quite frankly not my type. The ones I like seem to be playing the field and communication is sporadic. They suggest dates but when it comes to nearer the time, no contact. I've told several to forget it and blocked them. One particular guy I met once and we got on great. There is real chemistry there. He blames his long shifts on the lack of communication and dates. We live over an hour from each other so whilst I see this as not exactly handy, it's not impossible. We had discussed a date for this Sat. I was going to visit him. He said he needed to find out what his teenage son was upto first. When I asked him if there was any update. He said he was seeing his son soon and would ask. That was 2 days ago and not heard a thing. AIBU to think he's not that bothered or maybe he is seeing someone else and trying to keep me in reserve?

Sorry this is a long post. Am I trying to juggle too many balls (lol) as am still seeing the married man! I know I'm an idiot but I do really love him. I'm thinking about chucking the towel in with it all tbh.

What does anybody think? What advice would you give me?

Thank you if you've read this far!! xxx

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 21/10/2017 12:27

sorry you are being given such a bashing here.

I tend to agree but would say it more kindly.

The married man is not available. If he is, he ought to move out and separate too. But I don't get the feeling he's ready for that.

Keep him as a friend, if that works. If not, cut the contact. I get the impression he is either an old flame or someone you know from ages back so you contacted him when you split with your husband?

I'm not sure how living in the same house as your DH is going to work long term if you are actively dating. This is not sustainable and I do wonder if you are making your son's Aspergers a scapegoat- so you can date other men but still have the financial security of home. I think you and your DH really need t o work on a medium and long term solution to this. Otherwise you are not in a position to start a relationship with anyone - because they will be in your life and your son's life.

Once you are on your own, away from your DH, you can decide who you want to date, but keep away from unavailable men.

Original poster
ByronsMummy · 21/10/2017 12:50

Thanks ScipioAfricanu that was genuinely a good bit of advice/criticism. x

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 21/10/2017 13:06

After they had kids, no more sex, for several years now. No affection. She refuses to discuss the situation. He is deeply unhappy at home but can't quite find the confidence to leave

Sorry, but this ^^ is absolute bullshit. This is one of the oldest lines in the book. Even if it WAS true, then he is deciding to stay in a sexless relationship, rather than be with you, which says A LOT, about how he views you. But it won't be true, no way.

You are not separated yet. Not while you are living under the same roof. You are not free to bring a guy back to your home. You are not yet in a position to introduce him to friends & family. It's way too soon for you to be dating. I totally get that you will feel validated by other men wanting you, as you are most likely quite broken right now, what with such a recent break up, but sadly, any man who knows you still live with your Ex, should be running a mile...the one's that don't will be sexual predators who will know that you are vulnerable and will play on that.

Set up on your own, then try OLD again. Do not entertain the married man. He's does not have your best interests at heart. He's stringing you along with lies about his home life. If he was truly in love with you, he'd leave his wife and be actively trying to set up a new life with you. He isn't.

Original poster
ByronsMummy · 21/10/2017 13:07

Thanks PollyPerky. Yes, the married man is someone I know from way back. He was single then and I was married so nothing happened. He contacted me on FB recently. Stirred up old memories etc. Met for a drink. Told my hubby afterwards. Marriage had been dead for quite a while, both agreed. He's seeing someone abroad so goes away fairly often. My son doesn't cope with change, thought because Daddy and I didn't want to be married anymore that I would kill him (DH). We both know we eventually have to sell up and find our own space and we will do this in the NY. I guess I'm a bit lonely but not desperate. x

OP posts:
Original poster
ByronsMummy · 21/10/2017 13:15

Huskylover1 - yes we are legally separated through solicitors. Hubby is ok with me dating, we get on well. We are open and honest with each other. I am encouraging married man to be the same with his wife although he says the relationship is beyond repair.

OP posts:
CocoaIsGone · 21/10/2017 13:24

Who does the majority of care for your DS? How much real life support do you have? It sounds like you need to step away from looking in the wrong place for love and support (you are just getting sex with a married man) and start looking for actual, proper real life support to get through this difficult stage in your life.

AnyFucker · 21/10/2017 13:26

Not such a big surprise this sexstarved married man contacted you "recently". He knew your marriage had ended

Creepy, but you saw it as flattering? You have a lot of work to do on yourself.

AnyFucker · 21/10/2017 13:29

If the mm relationship is beyond repair then he has told his wife about you, yes ?

Don't tell me. His wife is vulnerable/psychotic/has threatened to take the kids/insert other bullshit reason he wants to keep her wasing his cothes and you as the sidepiece

I expect their non existent sex life is news to her too

PollyPerky · 21/10/2017 13:36

Maybe a it more compassion and a lot less judgy pants here?
I know of married women who ARE in sexless marriages- some for 20+ years. It does happen, they are close friends of mine. Sexless marriages do exist. I could tell you of four in my own small social circle- all girlfriends of mine (I'm a woman.) But upping sticks and leaving for someone where there is no guarantee of a happy ending is not that easy. The women I know are wondering what they would be going to and if the grass really would be greener, so some have settled for companionship and a stable family life. if they came here and explained they had met a man- single- who appeared to want them, would you then say jump ship and leave for him? Maybe not quite so simple.

I am NOT condoning an affair, but what I am saying is that it's very easy to tell the OP that her MM should leave his family for her. It's never that black and white.

You don't know that he saw her as vulnerable and 'prey'. Such a cliche.

OP you need to sort out the living stuff at home. Your son will need to know and if necessary I suggest a counsellor who works with children or a child psychologist who works with children on the AS to help you as a family work through your separation.

Your MM knows you are almost single - or will be. If he wants to leave his marriage he will, but step back for now, eh?

Original poster
ByronsMummy · 21/10/2017 13:37

Lol AnyFucker - yes he has told his wife that the marriage is beyond repair and I've seen their email exchanges about it when they've both been at work. She refuses to discuss at home, wtf! She doesn't know about me, surprise surprise. I wish he'd tell her. He's working on walking out, just got to find somewhere. He's obviously scared, which I can understand. At the same time I agree with comments from others, 'if he really loved me, he'd just leave'.

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 21/10/2017 13:40

OP- he can't know if he really loves you. You have not lived a life together other than furtive meetings for a few weeks. You are in LUST together. He has a wife (and children.) It's a huge step for anyone to walk away even if the marriage is stale. It's breaking up a family.

It's way too soon to start thinking of this as 'love'. I get there is a real attraction and you are old flames or whatever, but you are getting a bit carried away with it all.

You each need to be single, and then date, and then decide if it's going to last longer term.

AnyFucker · 21/10/2017 13:44

He won't leave his wife until he can jump straight into your place. Could you install him in a spare bedroom at your gaff ? Ypur husband sounds like a goodd egg...it could work.

Huskylover1 · 21/10/2017 13:45

So, she won't talk face to face, in the privacy of their own home, BUT she will e-mail him about their marriage, when she's supposed to be working? Hmm. Me thinks he has two e-mail addresses. And that her e-mails are being written by hairy hands.

She doesn't know about me, surprise surprise

Quelle Surprise indeed.

He's lying.

PortiaCastis · 21/10/2017 13:54

Erm try talking to his wife and then you'll find out all about him

MozzchopsThirty · 21/10/2017 14:24

OP I think you’re getting a hard time on here.
Why is it your job to keep a married mans dick in his pants??? Surely that’s his responsibility.
LETS STOP BLAMING WOMEN FOR MEN BEING TWATS

As a 4 year on divorcee who has made many mistakes since I would echo what others have said about having some time alone.
Find out what you want, who you are and only then can you move on in whatever it is want

SoupDragon · 21/10/2017 14:30

LETS STOP BLAMING WOMEN FOR MEN BEING TWATS

I don't blame women for men being twats, I blame women for being twats. The sooner we stop this bollocks about it not being wrong for women to shag men they know are married the better.

MozzchopsThirty · 21/10/2017 14:50

But the OP is single she can fuck whoever she wants

It is the married man who has the responsibility to not fuck anyone other than his wife!!!!

I was approached by a married man on the train a few weeks ago, he made no secret about being married, said he’d never promised to be faithful in his vows, didn’t think men and women were meant to be monogamous blah blah blah TWAT

MozzchopsThirty · 21/10/2017 14:51

Or are we back to ‘oh poor man, this single woman wanted it so he just couldn’t help but oblige because he’s a man’

Teensandfuture · 21/10/2017 18:15

Amazing how a lot of posters trying to tell it's bs when a mm claims there's no sex with the wife,yet occasionally here we get female posters raising that particular issue and I personally know few married couples that not had sex for years,literally living separate lives. You can not claim OP's mm is lying as noone can know for certain

CosmicPineapple · 21/10/2017 18:34

You and your lying cheating boyfried are perfect for each other. Both selfish self centered people.
I hope his wife does better for herself.

Once you have him all to yourself you will be happy OP.
You will never have to worry if he stays out late.
Works away slot.
Hides his phone.
Becomes distant.

I mean its not that you will spend your time remembering how easy it was for him to lie to his wife and children is it....
Good luck.

Oleanderrules · 21/10/2017 18:37

Please steer well clear of the married guy he sounds like a disaster

You’re really not doing yourself any favours

Original poster
ByronsMummy · 21/10/2017 18:41

Hi and thanks again PollyPerky

Yes, my son was seeing a child psychologist due to other issues at the time of XDH and I agreeing to separate. We had already decided to be upfront about the situation with our son (8 at the time) and the psychologist said that we had done great as even young kids pick up on issues and she said she has to see a lot of kids who have problems cos parents kept them in the dark until the situation had 'blown-up'. Lots of reassurance that Mummy and Daddy still love him, that we don't hate each other. We are genuinely good friends and he is a happy boy who knows Mummy is dating and Daddy has a g/f abroad. Hopefully, when the time comes to part, he will already have adjusted mentally. He is used to Daddy going away for a week at a time or for a couple of days (to stay with friends to give us a breather). It means I have to cope more on my own (which can be hard work with an ASD kid) but I guess I'll have to get used to it.

I do honestly believe my MM has hardly had any sex during his marriage. I've seen loads of posts about this kind of situation.

I know seeing a married man is wrong. I didn't deliberately go out to steal him away. He contacted me, as a friend. I've encouraged him to discuss his problems with his wife, with a view to a happier marriage, even though it hurt to say. He's the one who said it's pointless, the marriage is over. He knows I've started dating 'single' guys. He even told me tonight to make sure I don't drink too much as I'm meeting a new fella tonight. My XDH would like nothing more than for me to make a go of things with the MM if he leaves his wife. I don't want to sit around moping and waiting. We'll see.

Sorry, long post. xx

OP posts:
Mishappening · 21/10/2017 18:47

You need to grow up think.

MadMags · 21/10/2017 18:53

You need to be on your own for a while and I would suggest you see a professional and work on getting some self-respect.

crimsonlake · 21/10/2017 19:17

You say your son does not cope well with change, well I suggest you stop pursuing men and put him first.