Cheating partner

[Piperspool]

Just sounding something out. Not sure what answers to expect but I’m st the end of my tether.

Just to give you a bit of history I’ve been with my partner for two years. When I first met him he suffered from depression which I was aware of and hoped to provide the support for him he needed. What I didn’t realise was he was also an alcoholic. I have tried my hardest to be supportive but I really struggle as there seems no end to this he constantly promises he is going to change. I appreciated this wouldn’t happen over night but he constantly goes back on his promises which recently has resulted in lots of arguments. These are always when he’s drunk as when he’s sober during the day he’s a really lovely person. As with most alcoholics he thinks nothing of lying.

Recently he has been getting close to a female who is inappropriately crossing the line of friendship. He denies anything is going on till he’s blue in the face but I am almost 100% that something is going on. My question is do I contact the female? Not to have a go at her but to confirm my suspicions as it’s driving me insane. He says I’m a psycho and that I’m being unreasonable that he wants this female as his friend. It has turned me into a suspicious insecure person but I feel I need to know as I’d rather know for sure than to feel like I’m the one with issues.

I have no intention of showing any agression etc to this female as at the end of the day he’s the one that’s cheating and is in the wrong.

Please help me with your advice as I need to know before I lose my mind

Are you ok with your bf being an alcoholic?

Trust your instinct. Don’t contact her, save your dignity and kick him out.

Of course not. It’s an emotionally draining thing but I honestly want him to beat this disease for all of us. I know that probably sounds like I’m a self harmer but it’s hard to explain

Why are you wasting time on him? You will never be his priority, drink will be his priority. Why do you want to be with someone you can't trust? That thinks nothing of lying to you?

he's turned me into a suspicious insecure person because he's a lying cheat? Your not a psycho, you deserve better.

Sounds like an awful existence for you, OP. I wouldn’t need more
proof of not wanting to hitch my wagon to his for the rest of my days - I’d be making plans to finish it.

What would you do if the woman in question said they were having some kind of affair, OP? And if she said they were just friends would you still stay with him?

Why are you so obsessed with trying to fix him? It could take years, and may well never happen. All the while he will be pulling you down and holding you back.

Quit the rescuer role and move on

He doesn't want you to save him. Save yourself.

There is zero indication that he has any plan to change. He hid his alcoholism from you. That's enough reason to end it. Please don't demean yourself by contacting this person. He's completely untrustworthy, whether or not he is cheating on this occasion. You will always come second, if not third.

Regardless of the OW, she'll always be a distant 2nd to the drink.

I'm wondering why you want to fix him so badly? Why is it your job to support him - you've only been together 2 years and he lies to you?? Do you always find addicts to go out with?

This will not get better. He does not love you - it's not personal -
alcoholics are not capable of loving anyone other than the bottle. If he wants to get sober he will, but not whilst you are enabling him.

What are you arguing about when he is drunk?
Why are you making him promise you that he won't drink?
Is she a drinker too?

If you make him promise not to drink, it places you in a position of equivalence with the drink. Its you or the drink. He will, if he is very badly addicted struggle to choose you. He will continue to choose the drink in the hope that you always back down. He will continue to choose the drink until you remove yourself, then once you have already gone, continue to choose the drink because its there. Its reliable and it doesn't walk out on him. At the moment he has a relationship with you and the drink. If you are not there, just as you were not there two years ago, he still had a relationship with it.

I posted a while back about DP and his drinking. Similar circumstances including the length of time we have been together. We have spoken about it, he has "promised to cut down" he has tried very hard. I never asked for any promises. I have not made my love or support contingent upon anything. I never will. Not because I will be forced to accept he might choose it over me, but because I know he has to stop, not for me, not for my approval, but for himself. He has cut back a lot, has spent more days without and than with and hasn't been drunk for weeks. Tonight he fancied a drink, apologised to me, then corrected himself and said "I promised myself, I'm failing myself" He had one drink before dinner.

But, he hasn't lied about anything. Nothing. and i trust him, this is partly because I have never put him in a position where he needs to lie.

However, your situation is different. For some reason your DP feels he needs to lie. You have assumed that if he needs to lie about drinking, this means he will lie about other stuff too. He might. because once someone feels they need to lie about one thing, and they do, they feel justified in telling lies about other stuff.

I would be interested to know whether this other woman is a drinker? A social drinker? someone who hangs out in the pub? Does he feel that this person would be less of a distraction and not stand in the way of his drinking?

But when all is said and done, if you feel that he must give up drinking for your relationship to survive, you'll be waiting a long time probably and it might be best to cut your losses now.

I've been in a similar position to you with my exbf who is a chronic alcoholic. A woman who was in his recovery group made a play for him - initially they were just friends I think but now they are in a relationship.

He swore there was nothing in it and said for ages that it was me he wanted and wanted to get back on track but the only people he now mixes with are active addicts and he told me about two weeks ago they were in a r.elationship. We are now no contact and I told him if that was reallly what he wanted then he has made his choice.

I am heartbroken of course and know that his addiction comes first. He has put me through so much shit and I regret not ending it when this inappropriate 'friendship' started.

I just feel he has taken the easy route and our lives had become so polarised that it was hard to see how he could sustain a 'normal' relationship.

I am so sorry OP but being with an active alcoholic is no fun for anyone and will mess with your head.

As others have asked i would be interested to know whether this female is a fellow drinker.

Thanks for all of your messages, it’s good to hear people’s opinions as my pride has stopped me from telling any friends or family as I know they would all tell me what most of you are and to get out now. But now I am struggling to deal with this myself. My partner knows I’ve never told anyone and this evening I got upset and he suggested we have “a break”. I agreed to this as I know my mental health is suffering.

I know that a break means just postponing the inevitable end of the relationship but I’m still devastated. I got upset and he got angry saying he didn’t want me crying. I left and he text me to ask where I was going and I told him I was going to my sisters. He knows I’m at the brink of telling someone and has tried to talk me out of going to see my sister by saying I have work in the morning etc.

To answer what a lot of people have asked. The female is not as much of a drinker as he is as far as I’m aware. They have had drinks together but I don’t know if she’s aware of his addition.

Why do you think he has suggested a break?

Do you live together?

Yes we live together but I still have my own place that is currently empty at the minute so I do have somewhere to go.

He’s suggested a break because he said it’s unhealthy for him to not be able to be himself and drink and it’s not healthy for both of us to be arguing. He told me the other night that he can treat me badly and say whatever hurtful things he wants to me as he knows I’m besotted with him and will forgive him in the morning if he says he doesn’t remember what he said or did due to him being drunk.

Tonight he suggested the break after telling me he could replace me in a heartbeat and he wouldn’t have to go far (hinting at the female friend). I don’t think he expected to agree to it.

Been there with an alcoholic (not to mention physically abusive) exP.

You won’t ever be his priority and you won’t help him beat the disease - that has to come from him. Get out and find someone who doesn’t need booze as a crutch - that alone should have you leaving him. The affair is just the icing on the cake.

Tonight he suggested the break after telling me he could replace me in a heartbeat and he wouldn’t have to go far (hinting at the female friend).

Oh love - I know you are heartbroken, but just read what he says to you. That is an awful way to speak to your partner.

In a healthy relationship your partner supports you and cares for you. Take some time out and tell your friends in real life - get some support. It's hard to imagine now but things will get better.

Leave him, go back to your own home where you can recover, take control of your own life, be safe and be happy. Have no more to do with him, he sounds awful.

please leave him. i didn’t. i could have, should have and now we are in a much more precarious state. you won’t win.

Blimey - the alcoholism is one thing but the narcissistic abuse he is subjecting you to is another. Go to www.spartanlifecoach.com or www.melanietoniaevans.com and read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Then run for your life.

“He’s suggested a break because he said it’s unhealthy for him to not be able to be himself and drink and it’s not healthy for both of us to be arguing. He told me the other night that he can treat me badly and say whatever hurtful things he wants to me as he knows I’m besotted with him and will forgive him in the morning if he says he doesn’t remember what he said or did due to him being drunk.

Tonight he suggested the break after telling me he could replace me in a heartbeat and he wouldn’t have to go far (hinting at the female friend). I don’t think he expected to agree to it.”

Sweetheart that’s an awful way for someone to speak to you. No one should ever treat you this way. Please, end it for good and move back into your own place. There are much better men out there. Don’t waste any more time on him.
And please, tell your sister. He can’t and shouldn’t be trying to deny you support from people outside your relationship.

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy and he seems like he could have already cheated with this other woman. Please consider staying with your sister and leaving him

You can not hang around ehen someone talks to you like that

No matter how painful it is, the relationship has irretrievably broken down whem someone displays such open contempt for you

Glad you have somewhere to go. I don't think there is any need to speak to this other woman. He has told you in not so many words that he has discarded you and has your replacement lined up.

I have to say if anyone spoke to me in that way I'd be very angry. I'd be inclined to hit back verbally with something as equally nasty. How dare he say you are bessotted with him whilst discarding you and blame you for how unhealthy the relationship is. I really hope you have found indignation and use this feeling to get out and never look back.

Thanks for all of your responses you’ve no idea how much it’s helping. I didn’t realise how supportive it could feel to have an outsiders perspective.

A wee update, I went to my sisters last night and told her everything as anticipated she was exceptionally supportive and shocked by his behaviour.

I then went back to my place and felt relief and managed to sleep well for the first time in months. He was so angry at me going to my sisters that he’s blocked me from being able to contact him which is actually fine as I’ve no desire to get in touch with him.