A guy has asked me out on a date for the 5th time....but I can't go and I'm feeling sorry for myself!

[cupcakesmakeyouhappy]

I have been single 7 years since my exh left. He moved on pretty quickly and has been with his current gf 6.5 years.
Me, on the other hand, can't move on.
I gave up on dating a long time ago. I get lonely sometimes but I'm ok.
Pointless being on dating sites as I don't have a sitter. I came to terms with single life....
Someone I know has asked me out again. My excuse is always, I don't have time but in reality the real reason is, I don't have anyone to babysit. My youngest is 9. I won't be able to go out until she's about 15/16.
It's a long time single.....and all of a sudden I feel sorry for myself.....
Anyone else out there in the same position?

It does sound as though you are making excuses.

Do you like this guy? Do you want to go on a date with him? Surely you have one friend that you could ask for one night? And as other people have said - 13 and 9, shouldn't be that expensive to get a local 16 year old to babysit.

Give yourself permission to live a little.

Anyone with kids you could ask to babysit, offering to have their dc for a sleepover anytime, in return? Free babysitting if you have room for someone for a sleepover.

Don't waste any more energy trying to force your ex to be a parent. It's a lost cause. Do go through CMS for maintenance if you haven't already. At age 13 and 9 it depends entirely on the specific children as to whether it's okay to go out locally for a couple of hours. If not, for goodness sake find a teenage babysitter and get yourself out for a few hours. You deserve it.

We used to use a 13 yr old babysitter for our two boys when they were younger than your nine year old

When you say you don't have family support, you mean his family too, yes? Does he have any family at all who could put pressure on him to act like a grown man and take care of his own kids?

Sounds as if you're trying to make excuses not to see him tbh

As pp have suggested meet for lunch. Arrange a sleepover for your youngest
Invite him to yours
Pay a babysitter

There's plenty options if you really want to go out

Be honest with him & tell him it's child cate issues that way you can try and work round them. He might even have a solution to help

Can you afford a sitter? If so just get one....

Put an ad on gumtree. I found a teenager that way and I pay £6 ph. Perfect!

You sound very defeated. You haven't answered the question of whether you can afford a babysitter? If not, what about asking one of your friends to look after your youngest (or both DDs) while you are out for a few hours. Or do a lunch date? Or have a date while your youngest is at an evening activity or a sleepover with friends? You absolutely won't not be able to go out until she is 15/16 - she will be perfectly capable of being left alone before then, and even if she isn't her sister while then be 19/20!

Please answer some questions OP. Do you have money? Do you have a friend that can help out? Do you know a mum from school to swap babysitting services with? It does sound like you are only focussing on the dad instead of finding a solution.

Don't be defeated!
Stop asking your ex: it will only annoy you.
Get to know a babysitter and have date night once a week; go out with friends too. Your children will get used to the routine. They could easily stay up and watch a film if you prefer, back home at 10:30... One late night at the weekend is fine.

You didn't answer on whether he pays the correct maintenance.
I suspect he doesn't due to his other shoddy behaviour.

I think OP had to move away from expecting anything from her ex to help with starting dating. It can happen without him; she can make it happen. Even without funds, such as swapping sleepovers for the 9 year old with a friend.

*has

Just re-read your original post

Me, on the other hand, can't move on.

Love - you're a long time dead.

How long are you going to punish yourself? Your relationship failed - and it sounds as though you were very hurt by that (although your ex sounds like a total wanker, so you probably dodged a bullet), but you don't' have to be alone for the rest of your life. It's hard to try again, I know, but going on a date can just be fun - you know, letting your hair down, not being 'Mum' for just one night. You don't have to marry this guy - just find out if you have anything in common and take it from there (or not). What do you have to lose?

I'm in the same position as you OP. Ex moved away and only sees DD once every few months. I have friends and can pay a babysitter but it's apparent to me and people I meet that I have no freedom from childcare responsibility and that a relationship is not really possible for me. I've accepted it now and frankly I'm a bit sick of men and their selfish entitled behaviour. I'm starting to like being free from having to emotionally support another adult who doesn't do the same for me. My friends on the other hand I luffs

@ohamIreally I love your post. It's sad that you don't have that freedom but amazing to be free of the one-sided responsibility. You realise you will probably meet someone and fall in lurve now you are so at one with your singledom?

@ohamIreally yes agree. I cannot see myself settling for a man-child who unless has their ego stroked constantly, will wander off with someone else. Cba.

Blimey Op...you need to have a word with yourself.

Your youngest is 9 - thats not a baby!

We use a teenager on our street and leave our 3 and 5 year old for a couple of hours - i wouldnt go far but we go to a nearby pub.

Or ask a friend ir neighbour or fellow school mum - tell them you want childcare swaps

As somebody said..you are a long time dead my dear. Get out and enjoy life.

Let's not make this about the crap ex. He isn't going to step up, and really why should your happiness rely on him anyway?

What about a lunch date? If funds allow you could send the DCs off to the cinema together? Be honest with them if you think they'd be ok with it

I think you're just making excuses here and there is something more to this. If you really wanted to go, you would go. You're wasting your life. Either put your child to bed early and invite him round or save up pay for a babysitter! Where there is a will there is a way. Does your child do sleep overs at friends houses ever? Go away with the Scouts? Go on school trips? Do you have good relationships with her friends mums? Ask her friends round to stay the night and hope they invite her round in return. How old are your other two?

Explain to the man who wants to take you out what the issue is so he doesn't think you aren't interested, and then start finding solutions.

Oh gosh! Sorry, I have been cooking tea and clearing up.
I only wanted to chat to see if anyone else was in the same position. I'm not the only one, it appears. Which is quite sad!
So many messages to answer....
Ex pays maintenance but it's not alot. I pay the mortgage as he walked away from it. Honestly, he is a waste of time so the issue is not him here. I cant rely on him in any way. No support from him or family either.
I have a couple of friends who have their own lives, busy lives, I couldn't possibly ask them.
I'm not making excuses, I'm curious (hence the post) to see what others do/thought.
I suppose I could arrange a lunch date. I don't know why I feel guilty about leaving them for an hour or so. Maybe because I'm so busy and they only have me.
Yes, this guy is interested. He appears to be quite sweet. I don't know how I feel, I haven't dated him yet.
I can't afford a sitter as I'm paying for childcare to work/study.
Thankyou everyone. I wasn't expecting so many messages. I suppose I will message him then.... yikes....

Where there's a will there's a way.

OP, text him now. On your date explain that childcare is an issue, if he's any sort of man he'll understand. And think if you might be willing to introduce him to the kids as a friend if the date/s work out.

When's the two hour slot that your ex sees the kids? I'd be tempted to make my date for then, telling him he needs to keep them longer (in writing) and not be home if the useless pig tries to drop them earlier. What kind of man lives in the next street and only see his kids eight hours a month?!

Meet him in the day time for 1 hour and 1 coffee and take it from there. If you see him again just tell your children you're popping out for an hour to meet a friend and choose a nearby pub etc so that if your children need you they can call and you can be hind within minutes.