Did you relationship start as an affair?

[Elkilil]

Mine did.. Does the guilt still consume you? I know some of you will think I deserve it.. and in some ways I guess I do. But the logical side of me doesn't think I deserve to be punished forever... I definitely known I've grown a lot since... but what is done can't be undone. The thought of living with this guilt forever scares me.

OP aren't you concerned that he is by his own admission a serial cheat? I can see you might fall for someone else and leave a marriage but an habitual adulterer? No thanks.

All this "we've been very honest with other" screams that when he cheats on you, he'll say you can't complain because you knew what he was like. You sound very sweet but I suspect you've landed yourself a dud.

I don't know how anyone that gets involved with a cheater can ever trust them. If you can cheat on one partner you can cheat on others.

I could never ever be unfaithful to my DH. I literally would not be capable of it. I think it is totally wrong to hurt someone you not only love but also like and respect. My conscience would never let me sleep again.

No I'm not worried about him being a serial cheat.. i think he learnt his lesson from this time and I honestly don't think he wants to be that person anymore.. Maybe he will only feel that way while things are fresh but I think because of his experience his not more likely to cheat then any one else. I wouldn't want to be judged by my past if I was to go anywhere else, as long as we are honest with each other then I'm not going to judge him. The only thing for him is he was to cheat on me.. he wouldn't be getting second chances because of his past.

I don't think leaving him is an option.. I would just be changing guilt for heartache. We have a pretty good relationship. It's not all roses. It has so many ups and downs. He stayed by my side in my darkest time even though He was obviously going through his own stuff so I know his just not with me for an escape. I definitely haven't given him that. I know I'm not just with him to prove it was all worth it.. for me I could chuck it all in and the guilt probably wouldn't bother me so much. I don't really feel the pressure to stay with him because of how we started. I want to be here because I love him and I know he loves me. I just want to find away to deal with this guilt because I don't think I deserve to be walking around with this feeling for the rest of my life.

Mydogisthebest I think that's what was lacking in his past relationship.. the respect. I never thought I could cheat either.. I dont think I realised that this would effect my conscious just as bad.

I don’t feel I have to stay to prove a point either . We love each other and this relationship has been far from easy but we just get stronger . There have been times I thought we wouldn’t make it but we did .
If I was miserable and didn’t love him I would leave and peoples judgments wouldn’t stop me .
My DH also cheated on his ex a lot and they basically had no relationship. She seemed fine with him going elsewhere and them not sharing a bed as long as he paid for everything and pulled his weight . She told me she basically allowed him to cheat . It was only when he fell for someone she was bothered . She also told me he didn’t want children with her and she gave him no choice so I don’t think it’s fair to judge the cheat as though everything is black and white . Yes they should end it first but as I said we are humans and it doesn’t always happen like that . Especially with children involved .

I honestly don't think he wants to be that person anymore I'm sure he didn't want to be that person in the first place - who wants to be a lying, cheating, gaslighting cunt? But he IS that person.

And he still isn't being honest about it, because he hasn't told his wife that he was having an affair or presumably about his multiple other adulteries. She's still wondering what happened to her marriage. Have you ever heard her side of things?

What is he planning to tell his child when it starts asking questions? More lies? Are you onboard with that? For how many years til the child works it out?

As for feeling guilty, it really depends on how complicit you were. If you kissed him, told him you had feelings for him then left him to it, no need to feel too bad. If you were fucking him in nice hotels while his exhausted wife attended to their newborn, then frankly no matter how guilty you feel, it isn't guilty enough.

I don't think he really thought much about the type of person he was.. and yes he lied to ex wife and is still lying about a lot of things. I'm sure he has his reasons for that. Maybe to protect me, maybe because his ex has shown to be a little vindictive when it comes to the using the child and he wants things set in place first. or maybe because he knows it would only be clearing his own concious. But with me he is honest about his past, if he lied to me and I found out otherwise it would different. I haven't heard her side of the story.. I'm not sure I need too. He hasn't blamed her or said anything bad.. just that it was a normal relationship and he fell out of love.
I think he would probably want to tell his child the truth but it's something that would have to be discussed at a later date.

OP the more I read about your partner the more i think he is playing you. Also you say she is 'vindictive' and using the children? Could it possibly be that she is protect in them from being pitched into a situation they are not ready for.? I was accused of similar and of being jealous etc when I objected to my ex and his ow introducing the idea of 'stepmum' within a couple of months. If all you know about her and her motives is via him, be very very careful.

I'm sure he has his reasons for that. Yes, it's because he doesn't to want to be publicly shamed as a serial adulterer.

I suppose so thinking about it but we were all ex Uni mates and had drifted a bit, me and the ex were on the rocks anyway as we were working some distance away and I " bumped into" now DH .
We had been great mates at Uni but hadn't seen each other for about a year and it was like being struck by lightning!
I told ex after about a month as I wanted to do it face to face , he took it quite well but it caused some fall out in the friendship group
No guilt at all as there were no dc involved

Hi Angrybird123 I can assure you he is not playing me, like I said he never blames her and I know he feels terrible for what he has done, even if he fell out of love with her. She has been vindictive in the past when she was not happy with something which had nothing to do with the child. I was there I heard the phone call. He was angry but he understands why she is hurt and why she would make those threats.. the child is the only hold she has over him and I think it's more just heat of the moment things! But I still don't think he would risk losing time with his child by telling her at this point. He always used to justify her behaviour because he knew she was hurt. As for protecting the child from the situation. It has been over 2 years and I have not moved in nor do I spend time with the child for more then a pop in to pick something up, My DP is very strict about having his child adjust to the situation and I try not to get in the way of that. As much as he did wrong by cheating and leaving.. you really can't fault him as a father.

Schnitzel.. no I don't think it's that either, pretty much everyone important to us knows. Friends and family. Does anyone else really matter?

Anyone I'm not here for ppl to bash my DP when he isn't here to defend himself. I trust him, I know how much guilt he has gone through, what it has cost him and the steps he has put in place so it doesn't happen again. I accept him.

For me it's not about being publicly shamed.. My problem is I know what I have done. It doesn't really matter who accepts me if I don't accept myself.