Am I expecting too much?

[BodgersMash]

I discovered 2 months ago that DP is in massive debt. I helped him sort a plan to get out of debt, and have agreed that for now I will pay 50% of the household bills to help him have more free income to get debt free (he earns £20k more than me, so ordinarily I wouldn't think a 50/50 split was fair).

It's my 30th next year. I'd hoped to go to Florida over my 30th but a holiday is unlikely even to Folkestone let alone Florida next year in light of said money issues.

Next year I also take my final exams at uni. Today DP told me that he wants to go on a (expensive) weekend away with his friends for 4 days right before my exams. I would have liked him here to help with my son/the dog/housework/ moral support when I will be stressed out before exams, not to mentioned I am annoyed that he can somehow magic this money for a weekend away but my 30th is likely to pass without note due to finance and we are unlikely to have a holiday together.

The lads weekend happens every year, and he could go in 2019 with no issues. Am I being really selfish or is he taking the piss out of me a bit?

The fact he might try to make a split up difficult is not a reason to not do it. You sound pretty damn switched on, he sounds like an utter idiot. Even if it costs you a bit more than its fair it is totally worth it to get rid of him. Please don't tie your life to him any longer.

Blimey - this is pretty unanimous.
Dump his arse and do it fast before he drags you down any further.

Your eyes are now opened OP. He seriously wanted a share of your increase in equity- wow. You'll be better off without. I separated from a cocklodger (who contributed practically zilch) last year - I wonder how long it will take for his new girlfriend to suss him out. You are only hesitating for an easy life - don't . 💐

Ok I am the other half on this.

I have read through all the comments, and taken on board what has been said! I agree that I have been selfish!

But the original post is a very one sided one what has been wrote.

The full story is more like this.

My DP was originally earning the same money as me around 18 months ago (bills split 50:50). Her job at the time was getting her down and decided to make a career change and setup an eBay shop. For a couple of months the split still stayed the same at 50:50.

We then spoke about this as DP wasn’t earning the same money so the split changed to 70:30. In this time DP ex (farther of child) also had a change in circumstances and couldn’t afford to pay maintenance to DP for 6 months. I then picked this up and gave DP this money so she wasn’t short of more money.

DP ex then started paying maintenance all be it late and at a different amount. So I stopped.

We then spoke again about money as DP was still struggling, so I agreed to cover all bills. I did this for 7/8 month.

Since our relationship began 3.5 years ago I have always also picked up the bill for all things outside the house bills ( meals out, days out etc...) apart from the occasional time DP insisted.

During this 18 month time I managed to get myself into 16k worth of debt, this is my fault and no one else’s. This was caused by trying to live the same life style with the extra financial dependence on me.

2 months ago DP decided to go back into full time employment and started to earn a regular wage.

DP became concerned about my money when we spoke about buying a bigger house and I said I doubt I’ll get a mortgage, so she done a credit check on me without my knowledge.

This is when it came to light that I had built up a big debt. I don’t blame her and honestly am glad she did as it gave me the wake up call I needed. I didn’t really know I was in that much debt! I kept up with the minimum payments each month and put it to the back of mind.

DP was hurt that I had never told her about all this. As I seen it, it’s my role to provide for the family. I felt like a failure to myself and her, so if I didn’t say anything I am not a failure in her eyes. I see that this was wrong and do appreciate the payment plan she helped arrange.

This is when DP also said she wanted to break up with me (first time). I was hurt and said I have supported us all for the last 18 months covering from 50% to 100% of all bills.

How I seen it was she now has her regular wage and I wasn’t needed any longer. Then I made the comment that if that’s the case why should I be entitled to some profit of the house for the time I was covering the bills. Again I was shocked angry and hurt and we all say things in the heat of the moment.

We sat down and spoke thing though and said we will see how thing pan out.

Then this week I put in our shared calendar for a weekend charity car rally for June next year. I wanted to do it this year but we agreed I couldn’t due to DP having an operation a couple of weeks prior and weren’t too sure on the recovery process, DP also had then exams too.

DP was annoyed I had done this and I asked her reasons, i was given 3 reason her 30th 3 months prior, her exams and we had not booked next years holiday. My response was what about what I want to do. (Agreed this is a selfish comment but I seen the 3 reason selfish reasons on DP part).

Well yesterday she then told me she was breaking up with me. And this is were we are now.

Why are you posting on mumsnet? It's pretty crappy to search out her posts and do that.
But - your response does put a different slant on things.

OP’s other half. Really you lost all moral high ground when (a) you hid your debt and (b) you threatened to go after the equity in her house.

If you do break up then act like a decent human being over it.

And don’t stalk future partners over the internet.

There's always two sides to every story.

Didn't see that coming.

So you're an amazing human being because you actually paid towards the day to day life of the woman you supposedly love and her child? And she's terribly selfish for having an operation, an exam and a birthday?

When you've split up, make sure you put this on your dating profile - you'll be fighting them off with a stick.

Does your partner know you are posting on her thread? How does she feel about that?

I smell bullshit

What a selfish prick!

Hi OP’s DP

I just wanted to ask about what you refer to as your DP’s “three selfish reasons”.

1. Her 30th. But my understanding is that OP is planning not to have a weekend away for her 30th because of your financial issue. So not so much a selfish reason (you can’t go away because I want to go away instead) but more of a fairness reason (how come you get to go away when I’ve had to cancel my trip).

1. Her exams. Not a selfish reason in my book. Presumably you’ll both benefit financially if she improves her qualifications?

1. Next year’s holiday. But this is a family holiday, yes? Not something just for herself, but something you’ll benefit from too? So I don’t understand why it’s selfish?

No I didn't know he had found and was planning to comment on my thread!

So what’s happening now OP? Are you making progress or is it over?

Well, after hearing both sides, I'd say there shouldn't be any issue with him going on his trip. He has supported the OP when she's needed it and the debt is his alone, she chose to take some of the day to day expenses away from him so he could clear it but it was her choice. And it seems she'd benefited from the split of expenses in her favour for some time.

As for the comment about equity, I can also understand that. If I were paying all or the vast majority of living expenses then I think I might occasionally feel it unfair that the other party got the total benefit of it.