Am I expecting too much?

[BodgersMash]

I discovered 2 months ago that DP is in massive debt. I helped him sort a plan to get out of debt, and have agreed that for now I will pay 50% of the household bills to help him have more free income to get debt free (he earns £20k more than me, so ordinarily I wouldn't think a 50/50 split was fair).

It's my 30th next year. I'd hoped to go to Florida over my 30th but a holiday is unlikely even to Folkestone let alone Florida next year in light of said money issues.

Next year I also take my final exams at uni. Today DP told me that he wants to go on a (expensive) weekend away with his friends for 4 days right before my exams. I would have liked him here to help with my son/the dog/housework/ moral support when I will be stressed out before exams, not to mentioned I am annoyed that he can somehow magic this money for a weekend away but my 30th is likely to pass without note due to finance and we are unlikely to have a holiday together.

The lads weekend happens every year, and he could go in 2019 with no issues. Am I being really selfish or is he taking the piss out of me a bit?

I'm not repaying his debt directly at all. I'm just paying more towards shared bills than I think is fair given the income disparity, but he sees a 50:50 split as ok. His reasoning for being able to afford the trip is that it's a charity event so he will use money out of his side business to be an event sponsor, thus covering his participation.

I offered to repay so he couldn't try to say that I had used him whilst self employed to cover the bills. That was what he tried to insinuate I had done.

The sad thing about being with someone who can't handle money OP is that you can't purchase things together, have a shared bank account, share a loan/mortgage etc. That makes any major life spending so much more complicated and also impacts on general levels of trust (as you are already seeing). I have always maintained a separate bank account from my partner and I pay my bills and he pays his. He is not entitled to any of your hard earned cash apart from what you would naturally pay to support yourself.

So is he living in your home rent free? With you paying 50% of bills and giving him extra because he paid all the bills for 6 months but still no rent?

What does he say about going to Florida? Does he say he can't afford his share for Florida to celebrate your birthday? If so then his mates are more important to him than you.

By enabling him to clear his own debt directly by taking on more of his commitments in terms of other shared bills you are unnecessarily putting yourself in a difficult position; you have less control and it's far more nebulous and emotive. Put simply it's far too easy for him to see his money as his money. Your money is not your wage but our income now. Perhaps if you had made it more formal / specific you would feel less compromised right now and could be more cut and dried about this holiday and his attitude.

Whatever way you cut the cake you are financially burdening yourself for someone who seems to be a bit of a piss taker. Trust me, from bitter personal experience this will not end well.

Don't be a mug tell him to piss of.

Just re-read you initial post OP. He is making 20K more than you. 20K is just under an average household income my area (NW). I can't believe he can't make a significant dent in his debt with that level of expendable income.

he tried to demand money from me for the increase in equity in my home since he'd been living with me and paying towards the bills

I once dumped a bloke for suggesting he might try this on with a former girlfriend. I didn't want to be his next victim.

How can you bear to be with him?

He's not on your team, is he?

There are 2 parts to this, the debt/money and the lack of support during a crucial time in your life.

This would turn me off Tom Hardy. This merely human male is taking the piss in a major way. Urgh.

Why should you worry what he thinks of you? He is massively unreasonable and selfish so it follows what he thinks will not be at all reasonable. Your house, your rules - he is a lodger with benefits.

FWIW maybe you should encourage him to go on his trip and while he is away, pack up all his stuff and change the locks.

Have you got a dear friend or relative who would help with your little boy that weekend (someone who is good at packing)...

So despite the fact you are sensible with money and did not cause the financial situation you are in, you have to forsake your 30th celebrations because of his irresponsible behaviour while he gets his lads weekend? He really is having his cake and eating it isn't he? You are right - he is a bit of a dick. Actually no, a complete dick!!

Never bail someone like this out of debt. Ever. Won't end well, he will never learn. It is so ungrateful of him to take the piss and go on a holiday when you're helping him clear his debt. That is the ultimate insult and I would stop the current financial set up you have and make him pay what he used to towards the house bills.

He made you believe you were being selfish, he's manipulated you. And successfully.

Don't be taken for a mug, tell him if he can finance that then he can finance the bills too, and that charity malarkey is just an excuse to make his case stronger for going. He still hasn't cared much about your exams.

If you can rely on family to help during exam period then do that and get rid of him, he's a selfish twat from the sounds of it

You've gone above and beyond in your support of him op. He has shown no appreciation at all.

I had a small debt (which was under a dmp) when I met my dp. When we discussed moving in together and combining finances I told him about it. The amount , repayments...everything. I even showed him the paperwork. Repayments are made from my spending money as it's my problem , I have no expectation that he should pay a penny towards my debt. This way I am truly learning my lesson and no one is picking up after me. My dp is supportive and each month I show him my dmp statement (only a few payments to go), he's thrilled for me that it's nearly paid.

I hope this shows you reasonable expectations op.

Your partner is taking the piss.

Also, if you can't reason with him. That on its own would be enough for me.

Google gaslighting.

*OP
What you said earlier....
*
We nearly split up when I found out about the debt and he tried to demand money from me for the increase in equity in my home since he'd been living with me and paying towards the bills  thankfully my degree is in law and I know he's not entitled to that, although I did offer to repay him some money for the 6 months that he covered all the household bills alone whilst I was self employed and not earning much.

Loo at that. He tried to demand money from you already.** Tried to dispute your financial savvy and was bitter and angry you had more than him.

*Look at this. Read it again and again.
*
As some one who entered a marriage with vast amounts more money than their partner and is now having to split it all, take it from me. PROTECT YOUR MONEY!
*

• He has already made one claim, he will make more. He may sweet talk you and work his charming cock of gold/wallet of moths magic on you and then you are married and he puts a claim in which is successful.

It is a cocklodger. A little boy wanting money for toys. A spoilt entitled arsehole.

This wont get better. You dont need to feel bad about leaving him. You have a kid. He will not suddenly become generous and good with money and good at sharing.

Leave him.** You really cant salvage this. I suspect if you didn’t have a house he could live in cheaper than rent or mortgage, he wouldn’t be here.

I'd retract paying 50/50 bills pronto, I would never service another partner's debt in any way especially with his attitude to money that caused it.

Seems the more for him the better and doesn't care what you have sacrificed, entitled much.

Can you really trust that he will pay the debt and not keep spending as he always has done?

His lack of support around your exam would be put me off even more.

He's not looking very good op.

Op you're an intelligent lady!! You're a lawyer!! Dont let this thieving gold digging cock lodging blood sucker take the living piss out of you anymore. OPEN YOUR EYES WOMAN...

I think the person who said he's not on my team has summed it up perfectly. That's how I feel, we should be a team but he's only prepared to do that when it works in his favour.
Ugh, I suspect he will make a break up and splitting the contents of the house very difficult.

Kick him out. Then get a lodger. You will be better off financially and emotionally.

God, what a user, cmon, you have a law degree and you’re being rhis daft? Kick him out. Tell him to enjoy his weekend away and to enjoy managing his own debt. Move on, you can do better op.

He's a complete cock. You know that, don't you?

I can’t beleive he tried to demand money from you from thr equity you have in your home. That’s just shocking. I don’t know why you didn’t kick his greedy grabby arse out then.

Get rid and start your 30's without that deadweight. Save up and have a nice weekend away with a friend or your son for your birthday.

Seriously? End it now before you get more embroiled in paying off his debt. He'll suggest you get married to a) keep you sweet and b) have you legally responsible for his future debts (and there will be future debts, believe me). DO NOT do this. Get the miserable sponger out of your home asap.

Is he your son's father? If not then it's a lot easier. Get advice on kicking him out and get witnesses when you divide the house contents to keep him in line.

WOW OP, he's on a different planet all together. Good luck for the future, i'm guessing you will need it.