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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband having affair

34 replies

Libby75 · 17/10/2017 00:54

TBH, I kind of know what I'm going to hear from this post, but if anyone else has been in a similar situation they'll know how hard it is to face. My husband has had problems with depression for years, recently compounded by a diagnosis of a very genetic form of type 2 diabetes, complicated by diabetic peripheral neuropathy. So he's had a rough year, but this is on a long background of me essentially doing everything at home. He's been occasionally disappearing, suddenly staying over with friends, and considerably less present since August. I have tried to tell him how upset all this makes me, and had no response. (Obviously, while still doing all the washing, cleaning, child care, pet care and earning the stable salary.) Last week I finally went to see my GP, who put me on antidepressants; today, I went to see a counsellor. When I mentioned in passing I thought he might be seeing someone, they both got a bit 'YA THINK?' about it. So I asked him and, yes, he's seeing a younger hotter model. I've asked him to go away for a few days, and consider if he's willing to leave her and work at making our (10 yr) marriage work, or not. I don't know what my feelings are about whether this can work. We've been together for 16 years. Kids are 9 and 4, also cat, dog, rabbit and 5 chickens. I guess I want to know if anyone out there has come back from this brink? Thanks for listening, virtual peeps, it is much appreciated x

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 17/10/2017 01:03

Sorry you're going through this I've no personal experience but some people do manage to deal with infidelity and move on.

What you need to decide is whether you actually want to and whether you can ever regain the trust, as without trust you'll be eaten up with worry and suspicion.

I hope you find a way through that works for you, whatever course you choose to take.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 17/10/2017 07:18

Oh Libby. I'm sorry to hear this. Flowers

But he's been off shagging. You've been dealing with everything and you've ASKED HIM if HE wants to stay?

Is he worth your love and respect ?

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 17/10/2017 07:22

So you’ve done everything for him, supported him through his “rough” year, he’s been if shagging and you have asked him if he wants to stay? Wake up lovely, he doesn’t deserve to be part of your little family. He has stressed you to the brink of counselling and antidepressants, he doesn’t care about you! Who does that to someone they love? Get rid and start enjoying your life!

troodiedoo · 17/10/2017 07:28

You sound exhausted. He sounds like hard work. Do you really want to stay with him?

It's rare that you can move on together from infidelity. It will most likely happen again, and you'll spend every day wondering when that will be.

Or you could take ownership of your future and sling him out.0

Thebluedog · 17/10/2017 07:54

After supporting you emotionally and financially, through, quite literally, 'in sickness and in health' he cheats on you. And you as HIM if he wants to try again?

OP you are worth far more than this. You are financially independent, you've already proved you can look after yourself and kids and house and pets. I bet if you booted him out your depression would lift. You're already pretty much a single parent, plus you're looking after him. Who's looking after you? YOU now need to look after YOU Flowers

Thebluedog · 17/10/2017 07:55

'Him' not 'you' in the first sentence

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/10/2017 08:14

What do you get out of your relationship? End it and enjoy a happier life.

cakecakecheese · 17/10/2017 08:23

You asked if he's willing to leave her?? No no no this isn't how it should be working, he should be desperate for your forgiveness etc.

Is there a family member who can help you with the kids? So you can have a bit of a break. Or actually maybe their Dad could do something for a change. You sound exhausted and this fatigue is not helping you see you deserve better than this.

yetmorecrap · 17/10/2017 11:35

Tell him to bugger off and you will speak with him when he has a clearer mind, in the meantime just make arrangements ref the children. How dare he ask you to hang around whilst he sorts his head out.

Original poster
Libby75 · 17/10/2017 16:20

I would have said all the same things to that post. When it's actually happening to you, it's not quite so clear. I am in continual chest pain, I can hardly breathe, I keep getting hit by waves of nausea when I think about it. All that time, he has been lying to me. Oh god, it hurts so much.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 17/10/2017 16:39

I agree about it not being so clear cut though Libby when its actually 'you ' in that situation. If I had looked at what I experienced last year on paper-- I would definitely have been telling someone else to LTB, not quite so straight forward taking in all factors, including emotions.

FooFighter99 · 17/10/2017 17:20

Nothing really helpful to add, BUT it sounds like you've been coping perfectly well without him for at least a year, so you have to ask yourself what real difference would it make it he stayed or left?

He seems to have checked out emotionally anyway so you really do need to put yourself first and decide what's best for you!

Good luck OP Flowers

FooFighter99 · 17/10/2017 17:21

Sorry, not a year, but since August.

Original poster
Libby75 · 17/10/2017 21:13

I've never had it put so succinctly, thank you for finding the words so well! Yes, he is hard work, and yes, I am exhausted. I am beginning to wonder if I haven't been being taken for a ride for a very long time. As ever, the problem of course is that I love him.

OP posts:
NoCanoe · 17/10/2017 21:24

Love the man he is? Or the man you think he is.. hoped he was... pretended he was....wanted him to be ?
Sometimes there is a big difference.

Original poster
Libby75 · 17/10/2017 21:30

Good point. The man I thought I loved would not have done this, but he has been in a great deal of mental and physical pain this year, and I'm not sure he is doing this in quite his right mind.

OP posts:
babsthebuilder · 17/10/2017 21:32

One of the things about break ups, it separating the person you loved and married from the person they have become (and ultimately that’s a twat).

Please try to take a step back and consider whether you need this man. I agree that is sounds as if you’ve coped remarkably well without him so far. 💐

Mumof41987 · 17/10/2017 21:34

Oh love you really deserve better . I feel so angry for you that he is doing this to you and he holds the cards ! You deserve so much more love

Flossy1978 · 17/10/2017 21:36

Obviously not in so much pain he can go fuck a younger hotter model.

You don't love him, you love what you think is right.

And stop using his illness as an excuse. People are diagnosed with much worse and they don't run off fucking another woman. He's a shit user. That is all.

Get your financial affairs in order. Grow a spine. Kick him out. Change the locks. File for divorce.

Mumof41987 · 17/10/2017 21:36

I suffer a serious mental health condition and have times of irrational behaviour but I'd NEVER EVER cheat on my dh and people who use mental health as an excuse for doing so are only making excuses for their dispicable behaviour ! Having a MH condition does not make having an affair ok ! You know what your doing is wrong despite your condition

Eminado · 17/10/2017 21:40

I am so sorry this has happened.

The other posters have covered the basics but I have to address this:

but he has been in a great deal of mental and physical pain this year, and I'm not sure he is doing this in quite his right mind.

Please do not make excuses for him.

Take a step back.

I am so sorry to be crude but does fucking SOMEONE ELSE OTHER THAN YOUR WIFE relieve pain? He has abused your good nature and work ethic to the point of ridiculousness.

Please please do not do the “pick me” dance. Tell him to get lost. The game has changed - you call the shots now. Hope his mistress can cope with all his ailments. What a shit to treat you like that.

ivykaty44 · 17/10/2017 21:41

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved

Have a look at this op and see if it gives you food for thought

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2017 21:46

I’m not getting this either.

“He’s not in his right mind””I asked if he’d consider leaving her”. “I love him”.

Thr dudes shagging someone else. Repeatedly. He even spends rhe night with her. where’s your anger? Of course he’s in his right bloody mind. He knows exactly what he’s doing and has been for a long time. Being a depressed diabetec doesn’t turn you temporarily into some horny cheat with no control over your urges.

Original poster
Libby75 · 17/10/2017 21:54

I really think he's worn me down so far I can't feel angry. I just feel jealous and humiliated. And physically sick. I want him to be the one to leave, I'll know at least I didn't do that, and if it does come to divorce (oh god, pausing for wave of panic and nausea), I think it will be in my favour. I'd love to say I'm going to take him to the cleaners, but I can safely say he's got nothing for me to get.

OP posts:
Mumof41987 · 17/10/2017 22:20

You sound so defeated ! Get angry and show him you will not be disrespected like this ! Stop making excuses for him and accept he is a dirty fucking snake who can't keep his dick in his pants ! Poor him being so depressed . Funny most men when depressed go off sex or have erectile dysfunction ??? Your dh must be exception to the rule here and is of course shagging to self medicate yeh yeh whatever