Husband having affair

[Libby75]

TBH, I kind of know what I'm going to hear from this post, but if anyone else has been in a similar situation they'll know how hard it is to face. My husband has had problems with depression for years, recently compounded by a diagnosis of a very genetic form of type 2 diabetes, complicated by diabetic peripheral neuropathy. So he's had a rough year, but this is on a long background of me essentially doing everything at home. He's been occasionally disappearing, suddenly staying over with friends, and considerably less present since August. I have tried to tell him how upset all this makes me, and had no response. (Obviously, while still doing all the washing, cleaning, child care, pet care and earning the stable salary.) Last week I finally went to see my GP, who put me on antidepressants; today, I went to see a counsellor. When I mentioned in passing I thought he might be seeing someone, they both got a bit 'YA THINK?' about it. So I asked him and, yes, he's seeing a younger hotter model. I've asked him to go away for a few days, and consider if he's willing to leave her and work at making our (10 yr) marriage work, or not. I don't know what my feelings are about whether this can work. We've been together for 16 years. Kids are 9 and 4, also cat, dog, rabbit and 5 chickens. I guess I want to know if anyone out there has come back from this brink? Thanks for listening, virtual peeps, it is much appreciated x

Find yourself a younger, hotter model. Really.

So he's had medical problems. I know plenty of people who have OP. Do they say ' because I am unwell; I have more excuse to have affairs? -nope!

What about your rough year, what you've had to do, all the extra work you've picked up at home, your loneliness, your financial resources being pilfered, your intimacy being restricted.

I think you shouldn't wait for his answer. Because actually; you've independently decided that you don't want him back. It's like taking your power back. He's had things his way too long.

Change is scary OP.

But realistically you already do all the practical stuff. Would the man you think you love happily shag someone else not caring he is hurting you? Does the man you think you love exist?

Its difficult to explain. You say you love him. Is that him now shagging someone else. Is it the him you initially fell in love with when you didn't know he'd happily be off shagging someone else causing you hurt and pain. Is the love more love of the comfort and stability of the home environment you had before he went off shagging someone else.

If you love him now you must love feeling the nausea, waves of pain and anxiety because loving him is loving a person who happily makes you feel this pain by shagging someone else.

Please love yourself more than you currently do.

OP you need to get angry about this. He's been sooo ill that he can't lift a finger about the house but has the energy to go off shagging someone else!

Of course you are hurt and in pain. But you can do everything in the house yourself, you proved that, but it'll be much easier because your not having to look after him too.

I am so sorry to be crude but does fucking SOMEONE ELSE OTHER THAN YOUR WIFE relieve pain?

Yes, unfortunately it does.
Not that that gives him an excuse to do it.
At the very least a separation is what I would do. Will give you time and space to come to terms with things.

If someone did this to your DD would you encourage her to stay?

So, why do you think is it good enough for you?

I have been where you are. I remember feeling as though I was standing at the bottom of the most enormous mountain and I had to climb it. I was exhausted just thinking about it. And many times I chose to stay because I couldn’t face the climb.

Then one day, three years ago, I felt strong enough.

I climbed the mountain and the view from the top is amazing. It was so worth the climb.

Agree with what all the wonderful wise posters above have said. He has betrayed you. You have enough to be dealing with without the anxiety and added feelings of jealousy and insecurity. You're enough. You're a wonderful strong woman, you've stood by him through everything and instead of counting his blessings every day that he has such a devoted wife he is sneaking around getting his dick wet, exposing you to God knows what vd, breaking your heart and not giving a fuck. I understand that you love him but he does not deserve you. Take the choice away from him, please. You already know you have it in you to do this alone.

.I want him to be the one to leave, I'll know at least I didn't do that, and if it does come to divorce (oh god, pausing for wave of panic and nausea), I think it will be in my favour. He HAS left - in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, remember? You've stayed true to your vows, he hasn't. He's made his choice, so divorce him and let the younger, hotter model be his nursemaid bet she'll run a mile.

Honestly, with all his health problems, kick him to the curb. If you give him a choice he may think through who is more likely to actual provide the level of care and nursing he is going to need, and decide you are the safer bet as a nurse. Do you really want to be stuck nursing him while knowing that if he were healthy enough, he'd be off shagging someone else?

People do sometimes recover from affairs, but why bother? He will still be a mess, and you will still exhaust yourself carrying the entire load.