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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So hurt and angry

27 replies

OhShit2017 · 16/10/2017 22:22

I have been in a relationship for 4 months with a guy who I thought was really lovely and different from the rest. It's been very difficult to spend time with each other because he's a single dad to 3 kids, his ex never has them, and I've been very accepting and understanding of that. It's difficult to even speak to him on the phone as his kids are often up until very late.

Disaster struck 9 days ago when I found out I was pg. Since then I've seen him once. It was clear from the moment I found out that there was only one option here, I don't want to bring another child up on my own which is what would happen. It wouldn't be fair on any of the existing dc either. It's been a massively emotional, shitty week and a bit for me, and if anything his contact has got worse, not better, just when I really need him.

I know he's struggling to deal with the whole thing, but so am I! I'm heartbroken. It came to a head last night when I let rip at him on the phone for not being there to support me through this, I understand seeing him in person is tricky, but I can whatsapp him and not get any reply for 8 hours, or I phone him and he just doesn't bother phoning me back at all, until I phone him again hours later. Meanwhile, he's frequently online on whatsapp, so it's not like it would be much of a hardship for him to just reply to my message. I don't think it's asking much when I'm going through hell that he's 50% responsible for.

Anyway, last night he got really upset when I pointed out how shit he'd been, apologised profusely and said he would make more of an effort. He said he just wanted to be here to give me a hug, and he'd ask his mum in the morning if she could babysit so he could come tonight. Was looking forward to seeing him all day. Got a generic good morning/talking about the weather message this morning, then nothing until 8pm, when I got another message asking how my day was. Nothing about coming over. I asked at which point he was going to tell me he wasn't coming over, and that it was unbelievable that he couldn't spare 20 seconds of his day to break this news to me without me finally having to bring it up at 8pm. This is him making an effort! It all escalated via whatsapp and I told him he's a cunt. He replied with a sad face and said no-one has ever called him that before. I replied saying could he really not see why I might think that? No response, that was 2 hours ago.

So looks like I'm off to the abortion clinic on my own in the morning then. I'm so upset. I feel like he's just opted out of dealing with any of this while it's been 24/7 for me. I really don't ask a lot from him, but just some temporary support from him while I'm going through this would have gone a long way.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 16/10/2017 22:25

I’m sorry man he has opted out and shown you the type of person he is.

When this is over either way, don’t let him sweet talk you. He’s a fair weather boyfriend and not worth your time

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 16/10/2017 22:29

There is no chance of that happening. I suppose it's crap that I've had to go through this to find out what he's really like but at least I did find out. He really seemed different to the others. Stupid me.

OP posts:

JaneEyre70 · 16/10/2017 22:38

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

He's a weak and pathetic man, not worthy of your time or attention. I hope it all goes OK for you tomorrow, and I would delete/block his numbers so you can't contact him during any low moments. Things can only get better from here on

toddlermom · 16/10/2017 22:41

Sorry that sounds so awful OP.
He is a total dick

At least get the control/your dignity back by blocking him and never contacting him again.

On the practical side, how far gone are you? As there are so many miscarriages between week 7-12 you might not even need to go to the clinic which - i think - will make you feel sort of better (as in, that it's natural and you didn't have to abort).

But don' t ever talk to this guy again. And count that you have had a lucky escape from this guy!!! Good luck. Sorry.

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 16/10/2017 22:45

Only 5 weeks, I know it might not stick but I'd rather not wait until 12 weeks hoping that's the case, it will make it harder. I know what I have to do and I just want it over and done with. I already feel really pregnant and have a small bump (this has happened straightaway with my previous pregnancies too). It's driving me nuts and every day feels like a year at the moment.

OP posts:

Jellyheadbang · 16/10/2017 23:12

This happened to me (early relationship accidental pregnancy) with a guy who seemed so lovely and decent, a dad to two already.
I pretty much started miscarrying as soon as I'd broken the news. He ran scared when I told him I was pregnant and completely disappeared when I told him I was losing the baby.
After a few months he wrote to apologise!
I'm sorry for you. Have you got anyone else to talk to? Do you definitely want an abortion? You could make it work if you really wanted to although there's no denying it would be a struggle, just make sure it's the right decision for you . NO judgement here, I've had miscarriages and terminations and been desperate for children so I send hugs, solidarity and understanding x

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 16/10/2017 23:16

If it was just me to think about I’d have it, but realistically it would be very unfair on my existing dc. And I know I don’t want to go it alone, which is what would happen.

He’s such a coward. Still no reply. He just doesn’t give a fuck. I’m fighting the urge to send another tirade of abuse via WhatsApp, but there’s no point is there? He doesn’t give a fuck about me.

OP posts:

Jellyheadbang · 16/10/2017 23:23

You poor love. There's no fucking point sending more messages, I speak from experience. What a lowlife. Being scared is not a good enough reason to ignore you at a time like this.
I really hope you have good friend or family around even if you don't tell them , you need to be around someone , this is such an emotional time plus this early stage of incubation is so draining x

Jellyheadbang · 16/10/2017 23:23

How old are your other dc?

Charley50 · 16/10/2017 23:26

Just leave it. Maybe he is terrified that if he stayed emotionally close to you, you would want to continue with the pregnancy and he is already a single dad to three, doesn't want another baby in a very new relationship, and fear of that happening is overwhelming.

He is being crap, but I can see how becoming pregnant has totally changed what was the fun, getting to know you period.

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 16/10/2017 23:27

They are 12 and 8. I have told a couple of friends so I’ve got people to talk to. But I’m so sad that it’s come to this, having him there afterwards to be with me would have made it all a lot easier. Feel really alone, my friends are great but it’s not the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 16/10/2017 23:28

He knows my mind is made up so I’ve got no worries there. If anything it’s been him saying he’s not sure about me doing this as it goes against everything he believes in. But there is no way he could give me what I need if I had it so it’s a moot point.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/10/2017 23:32

What a weak inadequate he is. Thank god you have found out. Doesn't make it hurt less now but hang in there.

Charley50 · 16/10/2017 23:33

Sorry. It must really hurt. Don't send him any more messages right now; when he doesn't respond you'll just feel more hurt and angry.

Jellyheadbang · 16/10/2017 23:34

Glad you have friends around you. Look after yourself now, do the bare minimum and be kind to yourself after. Treat yourself as you would your best friend if they were going through it.
I'm going to sleep now, take care

Myheartbelongsto · 16/10/2017 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 16/10/2017 23:40

Care to expand upon that?

OP posts:

GracielaSabrocita · 16/10/2017 23:48

You don't sound like any of those things. Ignore that last poster.

GracielaSabrocita · 16/10/2017 23:50

Is there a friend or family member you can ask to go with you tomorrow?

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 16/10/2017 23:51

Not at this late notice. It’s just the consultation tomorrow, when I’ll get a date for the actual abortion.

OP posts:

Withhindsight · 16/10/2017 23:52

Take care OP you have to do what is right for you and your dcs, this man sounds awful and you are better off without him In your life

Insomnibrat · 16/10/2017 23:54

My now ex BF and I decided to have a termination a few years ago as circumstances weren't right to have a child. Despite me being more terrified than i've ever been in my life about the treatment, and no one else knowing, he wouldn't accompany me to the clinic as it clashed with his lad's trip to Benidorm.

I had to drive myself there, have the treatment and drive myself home before collapsing on the bathroom floor alone, afraid and distraught, waiting for the treatment to take it's course.

We're not together anymore.

Look after number 1 now OP, people can let you down. You're all that matters. x

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 16/10/2017 23:56

What? OP sounds “controlling” and “batshit” because she’d like a little support from her partner in coping with an unplanned pregnancy?

OK then .

OP I’m sorry he’s acting so badly. I understand that it may be difficult for him to get away from his DCs at the drop of a hat, but he obviously manages it when he wants to (when the baby was conceived for example!) A responsible adult would have found a way to support their partner through this. He couldn’t even answer messages despite clearly being online?!

Myheartbelongsto · 16/10/2017 23:57

Have a look at pregnancy options. I think its in the relationships section. There are many women that are sadly in your position and they may be able to offer support re abortion.

Original poster

OhShit2017 · 16/10/2017 23:57

Sorry to hear you went through that. Shitty thing to go through alone. I will have the dc here too so will somehow have to carry on parenting whilst it’s goinb on.

OP posts:

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