Not sure if I love DH anymore

[bendtheknee]

I have started this thread before, but I think I started it in the wrong place. Here goes again..

I’ve been married just over a year, I don’t know whether I’m finally ‘settling’ into married life now the excitement of being newlyweds has worn off.

But for a little while now, Ive felt like I’m no longer in love with DH. I think I was caught up in the proposal and wedding excitement and now I’m not sure. He’s done things to hurt the relationship (lied about money and certain friendships) which means I’ve started to resent him a little.

I find myself getting annoyed at everything he does, if he takes a little long in doing something I find myself getting irrationally angry and I’m not even sure why. We bicker almost all the time and it’s just so emotionally draining.

I’ve been very upset and conflicted with all these feelings recently and finally told DH about it. How I feel like I’m living this double life, one where I don’t like him and one where we get along. He said he’d noticed over the last 2/3 months I’ve been very cold with him and just generally off. He got very emotional and basically begged me not leave him.

I’m not sure what to do. DH is a nice guy, one of the best, he’s an awesome friend and we have such a laugh together. I’m just not sure I love him. He says his life will be ruined if I leave him. And I feel so so guilty. Could this just be us settling in to married life? Or could it actually be that I don’t love him anymore?

I’m so conflicted, so messed up about it in my head and I feel like I can’t vocalise it or tell anyone in real life as that would be making it actually real that I’m contemplating divorce after just one year.

Could you change from monthly to weekly appointments? Four weeks in between sounds far too much time.

I understand why you feel guilty, but you don't have to. You are both grown-ups.

My main advice is get this all sort d before you decide to have children. I wish I had and now just feel trapped in a mediocre life

He's happy because he has everything he wants whilst your paying the other half of his debts for him.. whilst he buys a shiny new car.. of course he's darned happy...

could it be a deeply rooted resentment affecting your mental well being... gradually wearing you down ... I agree with the Poster that suggested separate Finances... particularly when it comes to his debt repayments... he needs to take responsibility for them ...

I feel for you.... the debts are hindering you early years together

"He's happy because he has everything he wants whilst your paying the other half of his debts for him.. whilst he buys a shiny new car"

This, its no wonder youre resenting him. Why are you helping pay off his debt exactly, with not even enough left over for the odd haircut? I think I would be looking at setting aside some money for you, and letting him pay more like 2/3 of the monthly payments out of "his half".

I know you're married but why are you taking on debts that he hadn't even bothered to tell you about? Slightly underhand of him and has put you in a tricky situation that's not of your own doing. He needs to sell his car and settle his debts, keep you out of it. Counselling is great depending on what the actual issue is. If the debt is a precipitant,, you need to be honest with him that it's getting you down and you're not happy about it. The onus is on him to make an effort to fix it. Its not your problem that he'll have to move back his parents if you split, it's this sort of 'putting others first' that will harm your mental health because you're placing your own well being a rung lower than his. What a shit start to married life...

We have separate finances but I manage half the debt and he manages the other half. Ideally I want to manage the whole debt so I feel more in control of it but not the other hand not sure I could cope with the responsibility.

Seeing my counsellor once a week is not something I can afford unfortunately which is why I’ve had to do it monthly.

We don’t have kids, can’t afford to have kids yet, and right now I’m not even sure I want to have kids with him.

Today I feel like I’ve woken up thinking we can get through this and it’s just a phase because I don’t actually want to leave him.

Tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling trapped and not wanting him anywhere near me.

I completely see why you have been bringing up the times he lied to you in the past. He was dishonest to you again about this mess you are in now - can hardly blame you for it bringing up bad memories about the other times he lied.

Makes you wonder what else he'll lie about.

Shit happens, people do mess up and get into debt and it doesn't make them bad people and unloveable but I don't see why you have to be in it equally to be in it together? To the detriment of your happiness and your relationship.

If it was a longer marriage and the debt was due to trying to manage the expenses of family life, or he'd lost his job, then yes, you ought to step up and go halves on it.
But personally, I don't think you are obligated to sort out his shit, to the same extent he is himself, just because you got married last year.

You could take on more of the responsibility for the household bills and for the mortgage to help him out while he sorts it out - but why do you have to be in it as knee deep as he is?

Debt is depressing and horrible. Probably even more so if you didn't even cause it. Money problems are a huge relationship test and bickering just kills the love. IMO, he should have insisted you keep some of your own money for yourself.

You don't need to make a decision on your marriage yet, take your time to try and figure out how you feel. But I think you need to discuss shifting some of the burden back his way if you're going to save your marriage.

What if you spend the next year or so helping him pay off his debt, the marriage fails and you have nothing left for yourself?

OP, is the debt really huge? I thought it sounded like just a little bit from your earlier posts but now it sounds like it's really affecting your lives.

If he loves you, he should be embarrassed and sorry, not happy. He should be saying "How can I be happy when I have made you feel so sad?", not "Well I'm happy, so there's no problem on my side".

He is genuinely remorseful about the lies and the debt. It was 15k, to me that’s a huge amount. I earn more than DH so I have been covering more of the household stuff while he is making his payments on the debt. I’ve taken on one credit card of around 4K which I will pay off. The rest is his but I will help him out if I can. He doesn’t want me to do this but to be fair I refused. I would rather pay off as quickly as we can rather than let it hang over us for years and years as it would as he can only afford minimum payments.
I will still be saving as much as I can on the side as I need the financial security. It’s very important to me and gives me peace of mind. DH has taken away that peace of mind so I resent him for it.

But it’s not just the debt and the little white lies he told at the start. It’s all that, add in the bickering, add in his inability to deal with problems and constantly want to bury his head in the sand, and everything else that goes on day to Day - I feel like we aren’t compatible and our lives will always be like this. Bicker in the morning, argue in the evening, make up and start again the next day. It’s draining. He’s becoming a hinderance rather than support but deep down he is a nice guy. He really is, he doesn’t mean any harm, he’s just shit at dealing with problems. And I’m not bashing him or saying anything bad out him, I just think we’re incompatible.

add in his inability to deal with problems and constantly want to bury his head in the sand this is the real problem then. Unless you can teach him to stop this and communicate you will continue to struggle.

Him saying that he's "the happiest he's ever been" when you are feeling justifiably unhappy with the situation that's been sprung on you must surely be pretty grating, whatever the nice reason for him saying it.

Did he get into debt due to his head-in-sand behaviour?

Of course you feel torn. The man you married was great. Then after the marriage it turned out that that man was a fiction. You're pining after the lovely man and the lovely future while living with the rather shit man and the rather shit present.

Sounding more and more like you're not right for each other sadly...a bit of courage and faith in yourself to do the right thing is what's needed...

Having read your last post, it does rather sound as if you are incompatible. Him not dealing with problems and burying his head in the sand would drive me round the bend too. As it is, it sounds as if his way of dealing with things is affecting your mental health; start think seriously about moving on. I know it seems scary but you will cope.

Good luck.

How white were the white lies? I mean, theoretically a white lie is one you tell for a very good reason, e.g. so as not to worry someone unnecessarily. Not lies that you think are not all that big a deal.

I'm sure he is a nice guy. My STBXH is a nice guy.

I think you resent him for being enough of a grownup to deal with this without having to involve you? Be careful you don't end up having to "save" him again. This will only add to the resentment. I have had to save my DH numerous times, and it's a very unhealthy dynamic between us. Seems you are being the adult here? Seems his behaviour is not terribly grown-up.

Don't worry if you can only afford counselling once a month, that's okay - but do stick to it. Maybe you could also keep a diary? Writing down how you feel does help. And posting on here helps too.

I think posting anonymously helps me, rather than talk it through with someone in real life. Everyone in real life means well but obviously applies it to their own life and no one can know how I’m feeling having to deal with all these feelings day in day out. A diary is actually a good idea, I think that will also help me.

DH has offered a trial separation and he really is trying his best. Part of me feels as if his best just won’t be good enough because I do have such high expectations. I know I do and maybe that’s something I could work on.

I’m due to go on holiday with my parents over Xmas, and I think some time apart having fun with family will help me really sort my head out.

In the mean time I’m going to keep seeing the counsellor. I’ve found myself being really horrible to DH recently, I really am going to try work on that. I find it’s making the day to day even more draining. I don’t want to call time on my marriage I really don’t. But as someone said before, I planned my life with a man who I thought was someone else and I find myself disappointed. Maybe DH was never going to live up to these expectations I set for myself and I must admit, I do push myself a little too much. Work too hard, try to make everyone around me happy, ty my hardest to make life fun and sometimes with life’s struggles it just isn’t that easy.

Thank you to everyone who took time out to post. It’s nice to know even people you may have never met can offer support - it’s really appreciated.

Just make sure that your expectations really are excessively high. Don't be persuaded to set them excessively low...

@ravenmum as I got older and compared myself to friends etc I realised how much of a privileged life I had. I was very much my family’s pampered princess, bought up around strong men who took care of me and every single problem I ever faced. That’s not to say I had the best childhood ever or that I never wanted for anything. I’ve been working since I was 16, have always paid my own way. My parents were very much of the thinking that if you want something extra in life you have to go out and earn the money for it. Which is exactly what I did. But I guess to some extent thinking about it my parents very much still spoil me. A present here and there, and just general support and help. I naively thought this was what everyone had and I think I ask very naively expected the same from DH.

So now to have to be the strong one, is something I really struggle to have the mental capacity for.

Don't assume that the entitlement you have is all a bad thing, though. A certain sense of entitlement is healthy. I grew up in pretty much the opposite environment and have an underdeveloped sense of entitlement, which is just as bad as an overdeveloped one. I've actually found it really hard to work out whether I'm spoiling my own children or not as a result!

You've taken on half your husband's debt. That's strong of you. Doing things that you find really hard is strong, even if you feel like you are struggling to do them. And now you're considering doing something you find really difficult. If you do choose to break up, it will be hard for you, but you will get through it. You probably won't feel strong at the time, but you'll get through it. That's how strength feels in real life.

Do you understand why he got into debt? Are you sure it won't be repeated?

I think you might be struggling with forgiveness but only you can decide if you can forgive him and move on.
If you lose respect and start being awful to him then you need to separate.

It seems like the reality of life has hit you and you have to decide if you can love your dh, for all his flaws.
He may not be like other males in your family but were those traits attractive to you? Did you make assumptions about him?
We often fall for opposite traits and after a period of time they cause conflict.

Do you mind me asking how old you are, OP? I’m wondering if you are both quite young, and perhaps don’t have a lot of relationship experience? Have either of you lived alone before?

I’m not surprised you’re feeling resentful. 15K of debt is a pretty huge thing to cover up, and relationships are built on trust.

I sometimes think we test our relationships, either consciously or subconsciously, before having children.

Understandably, you are having doubts about spending the rest of your life with someone who has let you down, broken your trust & is not the person you thought he was.

Has he explained why he got in to debt? Because debt, for no real reason (just piss poor money management) is a huge red flag.

And why can’t he sell his new car to cover the debt?

Op although I have no advice I just wanted to say that I had to check I hadn't written this post, I mean I looked at the date to see if it was older, thought maybe someone had written it for me. I am in exactly the same situation, only we both have kids, none together and I'm nearly 40 but guessing you're younger.

It's shit, we're seeing a marriage counsellor, I don't want to leave my marriage but I resent him so much for lying about money.

If you want to pm me, feel free