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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this gas lighting? Is he a mind fu*k?

32 replies

Sounsure777 · 14/10/2017 08:38

My OH and I were in his car en route for lunch with his friends. He said out the blue "oh i thought you would look nice today?"

I was shocked and asked wtf? (I had actually made an effort to wear something nice and makeup so was a v. Odd comment).

I was clearly offended and it felt like he then tried to dent his comment by saying "it was just a statement, i wasnt saying you dont look nice" he then started talking about the use of language etc

I ended up feeling like i was being silly and misinterpreted him but i dont think i did. Sorry if this makes no sense :-/

OP posts:
CourtneyLoveIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/10/2017 08:39

I wouldn’t say it was gaslighting. Just very, very rude.

AdalindSchade · 14/10/2017 08:40

It is gaslighting if he tried to say he meant something different afterwards. Twat.

christinarossetti · 14/10/2017 08:43

If you have to ask, it usually is.

Cambionome · 14/10/2017 08:45

What on earth made him say that? Does he have form for being rude? How long have you been together?

Allthelightsgoout · 14/10/2017 08:46

Doesn't sound like gaslighting. Sounds like making an off-hand comment then you reacting with upset and him trying to back track.

Which people do all the time.

Cambionome · 14/10/2017 08:48

People aren't deliberately unkind and rude all the time lights - at least not people who are worth knowing.

TheStoic · 14/10/2017 08:49

Is there a chance he said:

‘I thought you would look nice today.’

Rather than:

‘I thought you would look nice today.’

[hopeful]

RainyApril · 14/10/2017 08:54

Sometimes people say thoughtless, inappropriate or unkind things without them being intentionally psychologically manipulative.

highinthesky · 14/10/2017 08:55

Why not just ask him what he meant by it?

And then perhaps share your own exacting standards about what you expect any man on your arm to look like.

Allthelightsgoout · 14/10/2017 09:23

Cambionime - but we don't know that he was being deliberately rude or just not thinking before he spoke. Or making a joke.

And people do do that all the time then realise they've upset someone or said the wrong thing, feel bad and try to make the person (and themselves) feel better by saying that wasn't what they meant.

CourtneyLoveIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/10/2017 09:30

People aren't deliberately unkind and rude all the time lights - at least not people who are worth knowing

We’ve heard one anecdote from the OP. That doesn’t mean her DP does it all the time.

There are a lot of perfect people on here who never, ever say anything out of line not even once, aren’t there Hmm

CourtneyLoveIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/10/2017 09:30

People aren't deliberately unkind and rude all the time lights - at least not people who are worth knowing

We’ve heard one anecdote from the OP. That doesn’t mean her DP does it all the time.

There are a lot of perfect people on here who never, ever say anything out of line not even once, aren’t there Hmm

MinervaSaidThar · 14/10/2017 09:46

That comment isn't just rude. Rude would have been 'you don't look nice.'

This comment is something more, as he can presumably tell that OP has made an effort.

You haven't misinterpreted it, OP. Go with your instincts. He sounds like an absolute twat. What effort did he make with his appearance?

TheNaze73 · 14/10/2017 11:50

I read his comment like Stoic did

Joysmum · 14/10/2017 11:54

Could he have used the word 'nice' as s way of expressing going more formal?

I'd have taken offense too though.

Original poster
Sounsure777 · 14/10/2017 12:07

Thanks all. Honrstly tho the more i think about it the more i think he was being an arse. I discussed it with him and he started saying a load of crap like he said as an e.g. he said if he said to me after i cooked dinner "i thought you would have made an effort with dinner" that doesnt mean im saying you havent because ive not said "you havent made an effort with dinner".. hence me thinking "mindfu*k"... urghh

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/10/2017 12:09

Is he usually like this?

DJBaggySmalls · 14/10/2017 12:09

Its negging, its nasty, tell him to fuck off with mind games. In divorce courts it used to be called unreasonable behaviour.

www.newstatesman.com/blogs/voices/2012/05/negging-latest-dating-trend

Original poster
Sounsure777 · 14/10/2017 12:09

No he wasnt dressed up. It wasnt a formal thing. I looked nice... i dont get him sometimes!!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 14/10/2017 12:10

Is he worth how bad he makes you feel?

Original poster
Sounsure777 · 14/10/2017 12:13

Yes runrabit he is a bit odd lol. The other day i had cooked a really nice dinner. He was appreciative. I then had to bath son etc and i said oh gosh left bike outside. Was dark etc. He offered saying "i guess i could go and get ur bike while you sort son as you did cook a nice dinner".. really?? Why did ge need to add the "because u did x y z" So if id done a less tasty dinner he'd not think i deserve his help/kindness of helping do something i need getting done. His mind works oddly. I know he has a thing about not ever wanting to be taken 4 granted (ive never taken him 4 granted btw)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sounsure777 · 14/10/2017 12:13

No joy.. i think not :-/ the more i think about it :-/

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 14/10/2017 12:15

He's thinking about your relationship in terms of a series of transactions. Its not healthy.

Original poster
Sounsure777 · 14/10/2017 12:21

Yes dj.. thats my fear.. do u think the bike comment is big red flag or minor? Hmmm

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 14/10/2017 12:23

I know he has a thing about not ever wanting to be taken 4 granted

This seems to be a common theme with the abusive bastards you read about on here. "Taken for granted" by an ex was he?