Advice on how to be less reactive

[tigercub50]

I have a tendency to overreact to certain stuff people say, not just my DH, but it can be more often with him. He can be talking generally but I sometimes jump on whatever he’s saying & immediately assume it’s a criticism of me. For example, it was recycling day today & we have more than usual as we’re moving. DH made some comment about how high the pile of cardboard was & that it should have been squashed down. He didn’t actually say that I should have done it but I immediately protested.( Of course, either of us could have flattened it). I got very defensive, saying I had already pushed it all down once & that it was hard to reach the bags because of all the boxes etc in front. (This must sound trivial but it’s just an example). The trouble was, once I’d reacted like this, then DH did have a bit of a go at me. As I said I can overreact with others too, including my Mum & DD.

You are trying to teach them all really bad habits. They are going to start walking on eggshells around you is that what you want?

Shouting at people is basically bullying in an attempt to shut them down.

I don't know the answer to this one I'm afraid, but I wish I did. My DH reacts in much the same way you do and assumes everything is a criticism of him personally. If I say that the grass in the garden has grown quickly, he thinks I'm annoyed at him and having a go at him because he hasn't cut it. That sort of thing. It's really wearing and frustrating.

My mother is like this and it is exhausting. She's rarely like this with my father, but according to my aunts and uncles, she has been this way forever. The only one who can stop this is you, and what it basically boils down to is that you need to THINK before you open your mouth. I can tell you that not only will your marriage continue to deteriorate, your relationship with your children will suffer permanently because of it. Your kids won't come to you with problems because they won't want to deal with your churlish, self-centered behaviour.

Even if it was a criticism of you, why would that make the shouty stream of justification appropriate?

Presumably you have very low self esteem and judge yourself based on other people's opinion of you.

Maybe get some help with that so you don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks and in any case you are confident in yourself so someone having a go at you would be your last assumption not your first.

What was your upbringing like? DH can be like this and he has a narcissistic father so fears criticism a lot.

Poor OP. She has come here for some advice and suggestions and most of you have simply criticised her for her behaviour. She KNOWS she shouldn't react like this, but in the moment it isn't always easy to react differently if you feel you are being attacked. She can see it differently afterwards or in the cold light of day.

Don't have any suggestions OP but know where you're coming from.

Try mindfulness.

But WAS he saying you should have done it?!

Just to say I didn’t shout. I’m many things but I’m certainly not a bully. apuskidu I think indirectly he might have been which was maybe why I got defensive because I knew it had been piling up again. But equally, I was annoyed because it was something he could have done himself. Now I remember, he did say that I was at home more than him & have more time to do stuff.

Where did the OP said she was shouting?

Good on you to aknowledge this OP and to want to takle it.

Very interesting point about the narcisistic father parent.

And my DM could be very critical of me. DH’s DF was by the sounds of it a bully & very critical so we are both coming from that place. We both have low self esteem for sure

DH often says he is “ trying to help” which is at times thinly veiled criticism. We are working on communicating differently but I guess old habits die hard

Any more thoughts?

Lack of self-confidence is usually at the heart of this. Counselling?

OP you are taking all the responsibility here. I suspect that your DH was indeed trying to imply you should have done this minor job. The best response when someone starts on about this is "Oh. Yes it does need doing" and leave it at that with an expectant look. SO empowering.

Why does your DD criticise you, and also your Mum?

And trying to help my arse. Trying to help how??

Fear of criticism is really a deep routed thing

I react similarly and have been discussing it with my therapist. No one is perfect, but we all need to be aware of our actions and how they impact, however subtly on those around us.

The other side is he could have snidely been getting at you...but I couldn't tell from your post.
Maybe sit and really think if it's him goading you or you overreacting

I think it could be both especially in a clise rel such as marriage one know exactly when and how to trigger the other.
In my marriage this was always going on. I guess sometimes I'd be saying it genuinely and it was taken the wring way and admittedly I would sometime saying to hurt because I knew it worked. And viceversa. After a while The unpredictability of it makes everyone in high guard.

H and I both had ea parents in a way or another so it is def coming from there.

It is great you take responsibility for it OP but in looking for possible triggers you may discover that it is not just you.

I actually do sympathise as I can be like this too. I'm not as bad as I used to be though. It's lack of self confidence, I feel, and fear of failure or being seen to be incompetent. If you've had a lot of criticism in your life I think it does have an impact on your perception of interactions around things like tasks. I try to take deep breaths, not react and remove myself from the situation so I can consider whether there was a criticism and if so, what do I need to do better? It is a horrible feeling though, feeling you're never good enough xxx

But your husband did then have a go at you, so he needs to work on being less reactive as well.

Yy mindfulness!

Also stuff about non violent communication.

I think just noticing it is a start, and recognising that you’re reacting to some old pattern rather than what’s in the here and now. Buddhist meditation has helped me - IME Buddhist Centres put on classes that aren’t particularly “religious”. I heard a podcast the other day by Dan Siegel talking about this - one of his books might be useful, but be aware some are written for an academic audience and some for public. You can also talk through what’s happening with your DP so that he can help you recognise what’s going on and not react back. You can’t easily stop the emotional reaction you’re having, that happens quicker than conscious thought, but you can intercept it and choose how to react to it - and it will get easier with practice.

^ what @AufderAutobahn said.

From what you're saying OP, I think you get that you are responsible for your reaction to what your DH is saying, however annoying/critical it is (ie you're not saying "look what he made me do") and that's half the battle. I would take a deep breath and ignore him if it's a small thing-if you are able to keep it in perspective a few times and respond minimally/constructively you will see the benefits and things will naturally improve.

Good luck

I think there are two main aspects of this. One is about the context and circumstances before you react. The other is about the actual trigger (e.g. DH's comment about the cardboard).

The single most important thing I've learned to keep my own reactions on an even keel is to develop a better awareness of where my mood and emotions and feelings are before anything has happened. I thought that these things that tipped me over the edge really were taking me from 0-60 in seconds - they really weren't! When I started taking time to observe my own inner state regularly (which sounds unbelievably wanky, but I was struggling to control my anger with a very young child so I got over myself and gave it a go), I learned just how often I was already feeling very stressed, anxious, vulnerable etc. Gradually cultivating an awareness of that is massive. It means I can prepare myself before something happens, it means that when something does happen it doesn't feel to me like my response has come out of nowhere and so I'm better equipped to deal.

The actual trigger stuff I think is more variable and you've had a lot of good advice already. If your DH does actually use this as a form of aggression (as some people do), then the problem to be resolved is not really your response to it - you respond as if criticised because actually you are being criticised! Harder for me to advise on.

But I think finding ways to pre-emptively manage your emotional states, and to slow your reactions so you can be more thoughtful and less instinctual in them, can only help.

Also? I was massively resistant to the idea that identifying underlying shit emotional states would be any use, because I assumed they'd be pretty fixed and also outside of my control (being stressed shouldn't be surprising for a sleep-deprived single parent with limited support etc) - I was wrong. I did have times when I was much more resilient than at other times. I still do now. I'm not an especially emotionally volatile person, I don't think, but my capacity to deal with shit definitely fluctuates significantly and it's worth being aware of. I believe this is true for the vast majority of people (and quite possibly absolutely everyone).