Advice on how to be less reactive

[tigercub50]

I have a tendency to overreact to certain stuff people say, not just my DH, but it can be more often with him. He can be talking generally but I sometimes jump on whatever he’s saying & immediately assume it’s a criticism of me. For example, it was recycling day today & we have more than usual as we’re moving. DH made some comment about how high the pile of cardboard was & that it should have been squashed down. He didn’t actually say that I should have done it but I immediately protested.( Of course, either of us could have flattened it). I got very defensive, saying I had already pushed it all down once & that it was hard to reach the bags because of all the boxes etc in front. (This must sound trivial but it’s just an example). The trouble was, once I’d reacted like this, then DH did have a bit of a go at me. As I said I can overreact with others too, including my Mum & DD.

Nell what a great post. Thank you.

You said you reacted defensiveness, however reading your comment you appeared to be justifying/explaining why it was difficult to lower cardboard.

You then said your dh had a go at you..what does that mean?

And my DM could be very critical of me. DH’s DF was by the sounds of it a bully & very critical so we are both coming from that place. We both have low self esteem for sure

It is great that you both know where it's coming from. That's a huge thing. Most people have no clue. Now you have to work on it. Can you BOTH agree to do that? There are very simple tricks and little behavioural tweaks you can make to start changes. You may need a lot more than this because it sounds like your demons and his are best friends.

First both watch . It really helped DH because it's funny. SO he watched it. So did I. Now, when one of us is blaming unfairly, rather than saying "it's you fault" or "it wasn't me" or feeling defensive, we say, "damn you Steve". Makes the other person laugh and they think about whether they are blaming.

The other trick we use is "the story I'm telling myself...". Here. It sounds weird and you need buy-in from the other person to start doing it. It takes some of the heat out of criticism and can give the other person a second to think.

If he doesn't want to work on it you have bigger problems. With your DM you will need other strategies. One neat little trick is appropriated from First Nations culture. If your DM is criticizing, you make sure to brush it off you. Literally pretend the criticism is powder that fell on you and brush it away with your hands. It's symbolic but works.

Awareness is key so you are well on your way. I read that its like having sunburn. Your dh touches the sore spot thing its normal but doesnt realise he has hit the spot and you let out a yelp..totally unexpected. Its to do with your dm so the more you let go stuff that she said the easier it will be.
And humour does help. My dh was very defensive and its our older dcs who have turned it into a family joke that have broken him out of it.

Wow great posts on this thread!

Love the video, had inspired me to go back to the book of hers that I am currently reading.

I do this a lot, I agree that it's a mix of lack of self confidence and also your dh's way of communicating.

I am finding regular yoga helps with self confidence (Adriene's yoga videos on yiutube,) and also meditation (when I get round to it.

I actually do sympathise as I can be like this too. I'm not as bad as I used to be though. It's lack of self confidence, I feel, and fear of failure or being seen to be incompetent. If you've had a lot of criticism in your life I think it does have an impact on your perception of interactions around things like tasks. I try to take deep breaths, not react and remove myself from the situation so I can consider whether there was a criticism and if so, what do I need to do better? It is a horrible feeling though, feeling you're never good enough

Me too. It's lack of self esteem. I didn't realise why I was doing it until about 3 years into my relationship with now DH. I talked to him about it, he helped me to see that I had a fair amount of criticism as a child, not that I thought of it that way at the time and that not all families were like that. Since then we are both more aware of it when I get defensive and he points it out gently or gives me a hug and it helps me to see what is happening. I also think more about my general emotional state as Nell said.

What can you do to build self confidence? Lose weight, join a club, start a hobby, new haircut etc.

What can you do to recognise and reduce stress in your daily life?

Can you discuss it with DH so that he understands where you are coming from?

Hermonie2016, I do tend to try & justify myself & explain when really it isn’t necessary. And I can’t remember exactly what DH said. Maybe “ having a go” was a bit strong. But he does annoy me when he notices the stuff that hasn’t got done, especially when he could have bloomin’ well done it himself!
Can’t remember who posted about “ trying to help”. This is tricky because I think sometimes he genuinely is but other times, he’s disguising criticism. Also it’s tricky if I say “ well you’re not helping” in case he genuinely is & then he could get offended! Phew! I have to say as well that I am an over thinker & tend to analyse everything. Relationships aren’t always easy.

There is such a thing as a virtuous circle. Like a vicious circle but good! I tend to be critical, like my mother and DH hates criticism, like his dad.

This could make us miserable. But because we recognize it, it can help. I love DH so try really hard not to criticize. And he tries hard not to take everything personally. It takes work.

The advice to use "I" statements might be a useful tactic: so "you're not helping" becomes "I am not finding that helpful right now."

I do think it's important to remain aware that you might not actually be overthinking or over analysing, you might be, but you may also think subconsciously that you deserve criticism if you were raised by a critical person. That fightback response may be about low self esteem and justification. Or it may simply be about, rightfully, fighting back. I dont know your relationship dynamic so it is hard to tell but dont necessarily shoulder all the blame for these situations, is what I'm saying..

FWIW an ex-p used to try the old "but I'm trying to help" shizzle when actually what he was doing was seeking to excuse and rationalise his own behaviour. And I think that is common.

It might help to look into Transactional Analysis - there's a well known book called TA Today, which goes into the parent/child/adult ego states which affect our behaviour and reactions. A counsellor can help you to go into more details about your own reactions, but the book gives a bit of background to it.

I've not really been able to stop myself getting upset by these sort of things, but at least now I understand why it happens and why DP reacts as he does (mostly him as rebellious Child and me as critical Parent). I need to do some more work on being able to stop the interactions and try to bring them back to Adult/Adult.

I find TA quite interesting & actually my counsellor said she thought DH was in the “ I’m ok, you’re not ok” group. He can tend to think of being wrong as a weakness. He also ticks a few boxes for passive aggressive ( the trying to help popped up with allsorts on google!)

Interesting. So I guess once you can see that in him and know that he is basically just trying to be right so as not to admit weakness, your best bet is to try and take the right/wrong out of it and diffuse the situation.

When I get really het up and I can tell things are just going round in circles I will often just say "I don't want to argue about this any more" and give him a kiss. It totally disarms him and is usually enough to stop him in his tracks and make him realise he's been a dick.

He will often say that it's when he's being at his most obnoxious that he needs the most love, which is a hard situation to handle, but I suppose his rebellious Child needs a nurturing Parent and then we can both put it behind us and deal with the aftermath as Adults. I'm not very good at it, but I can see how the theory works!