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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone remember me - French Martini's/Yer Da Sells Avon?

47 replies

backscratcher · 13/10/2017 21:45

Hi,

Namechanged back to post this.

Not sure if anyone who was on my previous threads will be around. I was the woman who was cheated on and 'ghosted' by my boyfriend of the time. He was a prick. The OW was an arsehole. I discovered I was pregnant and had a termination.

I've been back with the cheating boyfriend for the past 2 months. He 'left' the OW for me...
It was totally part revenge/part still thinking I loved him/part still getting my head around the termination (we had been actively trying to conceive and I'd been under investigation for fertility probs). He doesn't know about the termination.

Anyway... He left the OW, left his job because she was harassing him through it, has found another job that he hates but is doing because he wants to 'prove' to me that he has changed (previously he was working only p/t and doing a 'hobby'). New job is fulltime and very stressful. He moved from OW's into a houseshare.
But...I can't stand him. I don't want to be with him. I fucking hate him. (And hate myself for degrading myself by 'taking him back'.)

AIBU (not brave enough to post on there) to tell him I want to end it and how best to do it?
(He has not been around my DD since we got 'back together'. She is not aware of it).

Also, I know people accused me of trolling before. I'm also aware I've been mentioned on the Reddit subthread - which is fairly amusing given that I'm a very prolific poster on that subthread ;-)

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/10/2017 21:51

I remember your threads. You break up with him by saying it's over. It's as easy as that. You don't owe him anything.

fredericapotterslawyer · 13/10/2017 21:52

I remember your thread. No, you're not being U at all. You tried to forgive him, turns out you can't, so end it. He's not entitled to a girlfriend is he? Especially when he treated her so badly in the first place

userxx · 13/10/2017 21:55

I remember you. You owe him nothing, how nice of him to "leave ow" for you!! Just tell him you can't get over it and never will.

Aminuts23 · 13/10/2017 21:56

Backscratcher I remember your French Martini thread. You owe this man NOTHING! You tried, you hate him. Tell him to go. You can’t live like that

Original poster
backscratcher · 13/10/2017 21:58

I know. Thank you.
I just feel a bit shitty because my parents/sister/dd's dad were so bewildered/pissed off that I had taken him back... I feel more like I've let myself down.

And, although I shouldn't - I do feel a tad guilty. He'd changed a lot of his life to try to prove to me that he loved me. Too little too late, damage was done.
I'm annoyed at myself for being so stupid.

But yes, I do need to tell him it's over. I knew this after about the second week when the 'hysterical bonding' was over and I just felt sick.

OP posts:
fredericapotterslawyer · 13/10/2017 22:02

It sounds like the changes he's made 'for you' will be beneficial for him anyway though. Working full time versus a few hours a week. Leaving someone who thinks it's all right to harass people. I wouldn't feel too bad. Lots of women try and take back men who cheated on them, for a variety of reasons. And many find they just can't get past what happened. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It's healthy to protect yourself

userxx · 13/10/2017 22:37

Heartbreak can make us do irrational things. I've done things I'm not proud of and look back thinking wtaf!! Your emotions have been all over the place.

Did the relationship with the ow definitely end because of you or did he just realise he didn't like her very much once living together?

Offred · 13/10/2017 22:57

I remember you too.

YANBU to hate him and regret getting back with him.

He does not deserve kindness in the dumping and you will not be a horrible person for thinking you could try and now working out you can’t after everything that happened.

sourpatchkid · 13/10/2017 23:00

I remember him. He's a prick. Leave his sorry arse

Original poster
backscratcher · 13/10/2017 23:52

user - he told me shit about how he was depressed, she showed him attention, he fell into it, it wasn't what he'd wanted etc etc - basically a load of bull, painting him as the poor victim who just couldn't resist. I am so angry that I became so weak where initially I was so strong.
That's the thing - I feel ashamed and embarrassed.

My DD is at her dad's this weekend - bf/ex is coming round to mine tomorrow. I'll tell him then that it's over. The OW is still being a deranged arsehole. I fully expect him to go back to her. And I don't even care now. I really don't. I thought I still loved him but being back with him has made me realise how much he now makes my skin crawl. I can't get what he did to me out of my mind.

OP posts:
Offred · 13/10/2017 23:53

Well, it’s given you closure then so it wasn’t useless!

userxx · 14/10/2017 00:26

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, you can't just turn feelings off even when he's behaved like a wander. As offred said it wasn't for nothing as you have closure, if you hadn't tried again there would have been what ifs hanging around for god knows how long.

You now realise it's not going to work and if he does end up going back to her then he is going to look even more flaky and pathetic then before. You will be well rid of him.

user1497403588 · 14/10/2017 00:30

Is this the woman who found texts about french martinis, you had a family thing the next day? and people were telling you to drive out to the pub a few miles out?

userxx · 14/10/2017 00:34

That's the one.

Original poster
backscratcher · 14/10/2017 00:37

Yes, it was my sister's 40th.
The hotel was about 30 odd miles away.

I still haven't had a proper explanation for how it happened or how/when it started. Or why he pretty much just ghosted me.
Probably that's a big part of the reason why I now despise him.
And I do. Any smugness of doing the 'pick me dance' and winning this 'prize' back has long since gone. He makes my skin crawl.

I'm going to end it with him tomorrow.
Thank you for all your comments.

OP posts:
Slaylormoon · 14/10/2017 00:54

I remember you too Backscratcher, I think you're making the right decision by ending it once and for all. Sometimes it's hard to let go of someone even if you and the people around you know it's for the best, and you shouldn't feel embarrassed! If anything your family will be even more relieved to see the back of him this time.
Flowers
(PS I had a French martini on a whim because of your thread title back then and it was a terrible waste of £5)

Teabay · 14/10/2017 01:15

This is your time, just leave.

The rest of your life starts here - and there's probably more left then spent x

Original poster
backscratcher · 14/10/2017 01:15

Haha, thanks Slay!
Btw - I read your post earlier and hope you're not receiving any hassle from that creep.

I'm definitely going to end it. My skin crawls when he's around me. Can't believe I was stupid enough to take him back and can't believe I feel guilty about dumping him! After what he did! This is the people pleaser in me...

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 14/10/2017 01:32

Hi back I remember your threads, sorry to hear he's still putting you through the mill. I think you should just be honest with him, that you've tried to forget what he did but have found you can't and that it's over. Tbh that's kinder than he deserves but at least you can walk away with the minimum of fuss, it doesn't really leave him with anything to berate you for or argue with you about.

Having said that I think I'd do it away from your house though, somewhere you can leave when you've had enough in case he does have a last ditch attempt at talking you round. Don't put it off though, get it over and done with so you can start to heal from everything you've been through Flowers

Slaylormoon · 14/10/2017 01:38

All seems quiet on the creep front thankfully! I suppose there's a bit of a people pleaser in all of us, but it's never too late to be assertive :) good luck.

SparklyMagpie · 14/10/2017 02:08

I remember your threads OP

You're definitely doing the right thing by ending it, will be a new fresh start for you! X

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2017 02:08

I remember, too.

Don't worry about your family. They may have been puzzled that you took him back, but they'll be delighted you've 'wised up'. If they throw in an 'I told you so' just smile and say "Yes, you certainly did".

I know it's already 'tomorrow' where you are (I assume, I'm in the US) but you know there's nothing really wrong with ending something by phone. Text, not so much. I mean a phone call. With a phone call, you are in control and can end the conversation when you chose. There's no reason you have to allow him in your house where he might create a scene, keep trying to change your mind or, worst of all, refuse to leave until you 'see sense'. If I were you I'd call him and just tell him that you've had second thoughts, it's over, and you wish him well.

LellyMcKelly · 14/10/2017 02:37

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TheStoic · 14/10/2017 04:04

Absolutely no need to feel guilty. He’s only doing what suits him now. Being with you didn’t suit him before. He’ll live.

TheStoic · 14/10/2017 04:04

Absolutely no need to feel guilty. He’s only doing what suits him now. Being with you didn’t suit him before. He’ll live.