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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone remember me - French Martini's/Yer Da Sells Avon?

47 replies

backscratcher · 13/10/2017 21:45

Hi,

Namechanged back to post this.

Not sure if anyone who was on my previous threads will be around. I was the woman who was cheated on and 'ghosted' by my boyfriend of the time. He was a prick. The OW was an arsehole. I discovered I was pregnant and had a termination.

I've been back with the cheating boyfriend for the past 2 months. He 'left' the OW for me...
It was totally part revenge/part still thinking I loved him/part still getting my head around the termination (we had been actively trying to conceive and I'd been under investigation for fertility probs). He doesn't know about the termination.

Anyway... He left the OW, left his job because she was harassing him through it, has found another job that he hates but is doing because he wants to 'prove' to me that he has changed (previously he was working only p/t and doing a 'hobby'). New job is fulltime and very stressful. He moved from OW's into a houseshare.
But...I can't stand him. I don't want to be with him. I fucking hate him. (And hate myself for degrading myself by 'taking him back'.)

AIBU (not brave enough to post on there) to tell him I want to end it and how best to do it?
(He has not been around my DD since we got 'back together'. She is not aware of it).

Also, I know people accused me of trolling before. I'm also aware I've been mentioned on the Reddit subthread - which is fairly amusing given that I'm a very prolific poster on that subthread ;-)

OP posts:

TatterdemalionAspie · 14/10/2017 05:56

I remember you. What a shitty time you've had.

Ok, not great that you took the sleazy shitbag back, but look at it this way... What happened before was totally disempowering - he cheated on you, he ghosted you. Maybe taking him back, and now dumping his sorry arse, is taking the control back. You are making that decision, you are deciding that you are worth more than being with someone who would treat you like that. So tell him straight; you don't love him any more, and you don't respect him, because he killed that when he chose to cheat on you, deceive and desert you. Why on earth didn't you tell him about the pregnancy and termination? You went through that awful experience on your own, because of his actions. Let him know what he lost!

hahahaIdontgetit · 14/10/2017 07:10

And if you don't want to tell him face to face send him a text, you owe him nothing.

BackInTheRoom · 14/10/2017 07:33

Maybe you had to get back with him to realise what a nob he is? Tbh his negative qualities are probably so ingrained and although he might be making amends now, if he was under pressure at some point in the future his negative qualities would surface again. Also, it might have been shit between him and the OW so this might have been why he came back? So don't feel guilty.

OnTheRise · 14/10/2017 07:47

Don't feel angry with yourself. You know for sure now.

I'd be tempted to ghost him, as he ghosted you, but that would be petty. Tell him it's over. Tell him somewhere public, so you can walk away and aren't stuck with him. Make sure you take along anything he might have left with you, so you don't have to see him again.

He's welcome to the OW, by the sound of it.

AhYerWill · 14/10/2017 08:10

Don't be ashamed- it just took your feelings a little while to catch up with reality. That's normal (otherwise there wouldn't be dozens of people posting about heartbreak when a relationship ends)? You just weren't ready to move on before. The only thing that would be regret worthy would be sticking things out now those feelings are gone because you don't want to admit you were wrong...

When you do tell him if you want to do it face to face, either do it somewhere public, or round at his. That way you can leave when you are done - if he's at yours, you might have a job getting rid of him if he's the sort to beg for another chance. Given his previous behaviour, I think a text would more than suffice though.

yawning801 · 14/10/2017 08:14

I remember you! What an arsehole he is. Fake it until you make it, OP. Pretend that you have his characteristics (bold, brash, uncaring) and just tell him that it's over.

Whocansay · 14/10/2017 09:50

I remember you too. You had amazing strength to deal with it at the time. You can do this.

You haven't let yourself down. You are just human.

He is revolting.

MinervaSaidThar · 14/10/2017 09:59

Wow. If there was one poster I was sure would not take her cheating nematode ex back, it would have been you.

What's done is done, but yes, dump him and don't worry about how you do it. He's probably waiting until he moved back in with you to go back to his 'hobby'.

iMatter · 14/10/2017 14:06

If you hadn't given him a second chance you would have wondered "what if".

At least you know now.

Bin him and move on.

Good luck

Moanyoldcow · 14/10/2017 14:15

I remember your thread and thought you were amazingly strong in getting him gone.

Just remember who you are and how strong you can be - get rid of him today. You'll be so much happier without him. He's not worth another 5 mins if your time.

LuckLuckLUCK · 14/10/2017 14:45

Yep. Get rid.

ShotsFired · 14/10/2017 14:55

I remember you too. It sounds like you have made your decision and that's all that really matters now. It's another experience you will look back on in time with the wisdom it gave you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/10/2017 15:46

Why do you have to end it in person? That seems like you making it harder for yourself.

With a dickhead like him I'd send a text then block him. Karma.

hotbathsdontmeltfat · 14/10/2017 16:37

Ghost him, no explanations, he should be able to work it out all things considered!

Gemini69 · 14/10/2017 16:52

You did what you needed to do to convince yourself your over him... and you are... well done...

now end this Lady

Thebluedog · 14/10/2017 17:02

I remember you too.

You owe him nothing. As for family and friends, they will probably be relieved that you've finally dumped him and will be happy to see you move on.

Sometimes we just have to be 100% sure that we don't want these men, before we can move on. I moved back in with my, now exh, for 2 months after doing the 'pick me dance', when I did I suddenly realised how much I despised him. It was an easy ride for me once I'd left again as I had no feelings of loss or regret after the second time.

PoorYorick · 14/10/2017 19:23

I remember you, I hadn't forgotten you.

You know the answer. Think of yourself for once. You're not happy and you deserve to be.

ohfourfoxache · 14/10/2017 19:31

Oh Back, you have precisely fuck all to be ashamed/embarrassed about. As a pp said, if getting back with him has helped you realise that you hate him then it can't be a bad thing.

Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad - he's brought this on himself. And by the sounds of it he and OW deserve each other.

PoorYorick · 14/10/2017 19:39

Also, don't feel bad for having taken him back. You're only human. If it were that easy to cut ties with people we once loved, there'd be nobody staying in unhappy relationships for decades. You're taking control now and soon you'll be happier without this cold leech.

strongasmeringue · 14/10/2017 19:40

I remember you. I remember the strength you showed. I worried you got carried away with the thread and didn't process things properly but you've done that by taking him back to check. I did that with two exes and it proved, in both cases, that there was nothing there.

There's no big difficulty with finishing things. Just do it how you would in a relationship that hasn't been a cheating one. Don't tell him how you feel about yourself but tell him that you have tried and a relationship shouldn't have to be an effort in that sense.

Do what is best for you. If by text then do that. Be kind and decent for your benefit, not his.

Shayelle · 14/10/2017 19:46

Poor you love, i think maybe if you hadn't discovered you were pg then had a termination you wouldnt have gone back? So sorry youve gone through all you have. He's a piece of shit love, you are WAY too good for him. Get him out of your life, over and done.

Ineedmoreshoes · 14/10/2017 21:25

I remember you!! Oh backscratcher......bin him off and move on. You have been through so bloody much. I don't blame you for trying to give it a go.
He is a dick.
You have such a happy future without him.

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