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Original poster

My husband was on adult work

54 replies

chattycakes · 13/10/2017 19:37

I'm really sorry for how long this is.

Back in September I came home from work and my DH was acting 'strange'. Overly complementary, kept telling me he loved me (this is not uncommon behaviour, but this night it seemed very OTT). I asked him if everything was ok and he assured me that it was. I went to bed with a bad gut feeling and (sadly) curiosity got the better of me and I logged into his laptop to look at his browser history for that day. There was nothing there so I looked at his iMessage and call history on the laptop. There were two calls to an unknown number (whilst I'd been at work) and an iMessage from said number saying 'sorry I can't talk right now'. I googled the number and it belonged to an escort that had been reviewed on 'McCoys Guide'.

After practically shaking for 10 minutes, I woke DH and confronted him. He first denied all knowledge and then admitted that he'd had a missed call from a number, called it back and freaked out when he realised it was an escort and deleted (the missed call only) from his phone. I asked why she would have his number, why he would only delete the missed call and craziest of all why didn't he just tell me (I'm pretty easy going and have never had a problem with porn) and he said someone must of given her his number as a joke, and he was worried he wouldn't be able to explain it to me and panicked. He really reassured me, said he hated himself for making me feel that way, promised he would be open from now on and we cuddled up and went back to sleep.

Pass another month and it's still niggling at me. We've always been open so I can't imagine why he would have tried to hide it and if I'm honest the deceit is what was bugging me the most. So I took the detective skills up a notch and went onto his google history. I searched adultwork and it came up quite a bit over the past 5 years we've been a couple and even before we were together. It was mostly viewed early in the morning that would coincide with when he finished night shifts. I then searched other various words and it alluded that he'd been having phone sex via hotlines, albeit it was mostly a couple of years back.

I messaged him whilst he was on a nightshift, just asking 'have you heard of a website called adult work?' Within 60 seconds I had a call asking why, and generally sounding slightly panicked. I fobbed him off by saying I had read an article about it. When he came home the next morning, he could tell that I knew and I begged him to be truthful to me. He admitted that the number he called he had found on adult work and he called her for phone sex, but he never got through. He also said his previous use of adult work was because he got off on the escorts 'stories and reviews'. He also said that he has used sex lines in the past and 'stupidly' didn't think it was an issue. He can give no rhyme or reason as to why he called this woman's personal phone or what would have happened had she of answered. Continual 'I don't knows'.

So know it's me who doesn't know. He swears it was just curiosity, that he loves me and that he promises he will 'really' be open from now on and he'll never use sites like that again. The problem is my trust in him has been broken. We've been trying for a baby (before this came to light) and my head is now all over the place.

I hate that I now second guess everything he say's and does. He really is trying and I (probably naively think it won't happen again.) We've only been married for a few months. It's such a grey area. Will I ever get over this?

OP posts:
Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 19:42

Sorry OP, it seems like he's minimising, trying to admit to as little as possible so that you can 'get past' it.

But he didn't stop after you caught on the first time, and he wasn't honest to you then. He probably still isn't being honest now.

I don't have a lot of experience and I'm sure someone else will come along with wiser words soon, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry this happened to you, and to be careful of accepting anything as the 'truth' or that it was 'just' phone sex. Flowers

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 19:46

If it does come to light he slept with anyone else while you were trying for a baby, (or even if you just suspect it) I would get checked out. Lots of reputable sex workers do insist on protection, but there's always risk involved and no shame in wanting to make sure.

caringdenise009 · 13/10/2017 19:47

I know exactly how you feel. Men don't get that kind of browsing history by mistake, or because their friend played a trick on them. Can you check his bank statements if you need further proof?

I'm afraid this isn't something that can be swept under the carpet (I tried,the suspicion never stops). It will keep happening. Don't get pregnant whatever you do.

Sorry you are going through this, but better before you have children.

caringdenise009 · 13/10/2017 19:49

Oh and the panicked phone call tells you that he has something bigger to hide than he has admitted

Original poster
chattycakes · 13/10/2017 19:50

Thank you Slaylormoon. I think I'm struggling because I would have put my life on the fact that he wouldn't do anything like this. I also have a sense of embarrassment, that means I can't talk to any of my friends about it.

You're right though, I do need to get checked out this week.

OP posts:
BriechonCheese · 13/10/2017 19:53

He gets off on people leaving reviews for buying other humans?

Original poster
chattycakes · 13/10/2017 19:53

I'm so sorry you've been through this too caringdenise009. It's driving me crazy!

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 13/10/2017 19:55

Escorts don't call random numbers given to them by a "mate". Most escorts don't do phone sex either. Sorry.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 13/10/2017 19:55

Please stop trying for a baby atm whilst you get a clear idea on how you feel.

Im someone who forgave their STBXH 8 times when I found him on Adultfriendfinder looking for afternoon hookups.

It destroyed me. The marriage limped along for the sake of my DS, but the trust was shattered and everyday it was a living nightmare of anxiety. I became sick with it eventually, now I’m just coming off antidepressants and I’m still in bloodpressure pills.

I believed all the bullshit the first time - just looking, curiosity, never did anything, never would, I’ll never do it again. Said in front of a counsellor too, in tears, holding my hand and begging for forgiveness.

Until I found the next logon, then the gold membership, then the letter to one of the members etc etc etc.

This was just the site I knew about of course. Doubtless there were others.

Don’t be me in 4 years time. Especially with a child. Flowers

caringdenise009 · 13/10/2017 19:55

When I found my evidence and text him in a furry, he rang me straight away......to say it was his friend using his details....blah blah. Never did get to the bottom of it.

caringdenise009 · 13/10/2017 19:57

Ha, I wish I had been in a warm cosy furry.

Seeyamonday · 13/10/2017 19:57

He's made a mistake, a HUGE mistake. If you can get over it (and it may take a very long time) give him another chance, his last chance! Try and imagine your life without him and take it from there. Good luck lovey

Ts27 · 13/10/2017 20:00

In my experience and opinion men who do this (regularly) and lie about it don't change. They see they have been forgiven and continue to do so as they got away with it once before.

Your trust will never be the same nor will your relationship. If you want to continue, it will be a long journey.

cushioncovers · 13/10/2017 20:03

Agree with Ts27

They don’t change.

caringdenise009 · 13/10/2017 20:03

If this has been going on for the five years of the relationship,and some time before,the only thing that will change is him learning to use private browsing or deleting his history, locking his phone etc.

Ts27 · 13/10/2017 20:05

I agree with Ineed- I forgave an ex for sexting girls he had met online, then I forgave him for meeting up with these girls and the last straw was sleeping with one. I personally don't think anyone who has cheated on their partner should deserve to be forgiven- the are women who would, and I was one of them but my relationship was never the same and ended soon after. Good luck with whatever you do.

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 20:05

OP, I can understand the embarrassment, start with telling yourself that it's not a reflection on you, it's -him- that has done this.

Yes we could call it a 'mistake' but as pp mentioned, that phone call he made tells you he -knew- that what he was doing was abhorrent, so what can we draw from this?

Did he think you wouldn't find out, and was he happy to lie to you year after year? That's not the sort of person who has your best interests in mind imo because it's a calculated decision to lie to you.

If it was a drunken fumble or something I would still be livid but the sheer fact he covered his tracks and lied the first time you has suspicions would forfeit the idea of another chance for me.

mogulfield · 13/10/2017 20:07

There’s only one reason why an escort would call him, sorry Op. He now knows you’re onto him so will be better at hiding it.

mogulfield · 13/10/2017 20:08

Do you have a joint bank account? Has he taken out cash for things rather than pay by card?

PhelanGood · 13/10/2017 20:16

Escorts don't usually do phone sex as said above - and if they do it's on premium rate numbers, not mobiles, why would they do it for free! If it was an imessage I'd guess it was a mobile. My instinct is, he's lying through his teeth (again) relying on his charm and your trust in him to preserve the status quo, and was arranging to meet, and more than likely has. Please leave this man before you bring a baby into the mix, you sound sweet, trusting and deserve so much better than a lying, gaslighting, sexually incontinent, unfaithful dickbrain. Before he ruins your life, self esteem and your faith in men.

Well done on the detective work by the way! Us women can put mi5 to shame when we suspect our other halves 😉

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 13/10/2017 20:58

I'm sorry he is lying. Phelan is right about the numbers. Can you see any messages on his AW account?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/10/2017 21:48

He is lying his sorry ass off and doing a horrible job at it. Come on now, you KNOW he is lying and that you can't trust him. At all. Please don't make the HUGE mistake of having a baby with him.

noodleaddict · 13/10/2017 22:07

Sorry op I've got experience of this too and 100% he is lying and minimising. It always goes like this. They will deny, deny, deny but then you'll find more evidence and each time he will only admit to what he has to. It sounds like he's got a prostitute 'habit' and has done as long as you've known him. He's not going to give it up. My advice is not to waste your time. The trust is gone and your relationship will never be the same. Get out before you have children.

LuckLuckLUCK · 13/10/2017 22:12

Definitely stop trying for a baby with this idiot!

sourpatchkid · 13/10/2017 22:36

You could phone the escort to see if she offers phone sex? I'll bet she doesn't call numbers from mates either

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