Help me decide if my marriage is over

[Ialsolikepie]

A bit of a heavy title I know! Name changed because I might want to forget this post in 10 years but I'm a regular (cancel the cheque! We need a diagram etc.)

Background: married 7 years and we have a 5 month old baby. Before the baby we were best friends and almost never argued. Whenever I needed something I would say and he would do his best to make me happy. I have always swore to myself that I would never stay in a relationship that wasn't making me happy(er) because life is too short to attach myself to someone just for the sake of being in a couple, I do just fine on my own.

Then I had a baby. I'm currently staying at my mum's because he did something (in my view) unsafe with the baby. I discussed it with him, explained how I felt and asked him not to do it again. He said he wouldn't. He did it again. I went bananas, he said that it was fine and that I'm over reacting. I sent him research and guidelines. Told him that if he does that he can't be trusted with the baby. He said fine. Said he wouldn't. Did it again!

So I took the baby and left. If he puts my child in danger he doesn't get to look after her plain and simple, he woke up and I had taken all of her stuff and mine and moved in with my mum. I sent him a message asking him to leave me alone for a few days because I was too angry to speak to him.

It's now been a week and he is coming over Saturday. He has asked after us a couple of times, says he loves us etc. (Hasn't apologised though!)

Now, if he doesn't apologise abjectly and convince me that he is a safe parent we are done and he can see her with me supervising.

HOWEVER this time apart has made me realise that there are other problems with our relationship.

1. he is a workaholic - 100 hour weeks are not out of the ordinary. One of the reasons we haven't seen him for over a week is that he has been working long hours every day. He is self employed so this is something he is choosing to do, I asked that he takes one day off in every 7 but actually he doesn't do that very often.

2. he does basically no housework. He has been known to wash up bottles when he is home and always takes the bins out (unless he is working!) But that's it. Early in our marriage we divided up the chores because I hate housework and I'm not his mother. He doesn't do his stuff because work.

3. We have no money. He works all these hours and has a high hourly/daily rate so we should have loads of money but we never seem to. He has a business account and then we have a joint account and although our bills are always paid we don't have any savings and there never seems to be spare money. Occasionally I have to ask him to transfer money over which is pretty demeaning.

4. I plan everything. I plan, shop for and cook every meal. If I don't want to cook and we get takeaway I have to decide what takeaway, where to get it and order it myself. I take the baby to the doctors. I speak to the landlord if there's a problem. I buy and organise the baby's clothes. I have to write down what time she eats and when to give her medication otherwise he wouldn't give it. I chose all the furniture. He hasnt bought new clothes since we met, his mum has though. (He is 32 years old and I refuse. Again, not his mother)

5. he nags and sulks if we don't have sex. He gropes me and I have to shove him off. I had a baby, she doesn't sleep. Get off me.

ANYWAY! On reflection I appear to have accidently ended up married to a man child/sex pest who can't even look after a baby properly. And frankly I'm not sure I can be bothered to make the effort to fix all this. I have mentioned these things before and he changes for a bit and then gets lazy.

Should I have a long discussion with him this weekend (that I will have to organise) about everything that needs fixing in our relationship, in memory of the best friend and lover I used to have in my life? Or shall I just give up and see if he manages to grow up and then eventually get divorced and he can see the baby whenever he happens to have a day off? Is it LTB? I really did use to be happy and this is such a fucking cliche!

For me the safety thing with the baby is a different issue to the marriage bit. If it's a deal breaker for you, he needs to realise that; if the two of you can't agree on the way to parent your baby now, you will have bigger problems when the child is older.

Quite apart from this, the relationship sounds over from the way you describe it. And seriously, if it's easier without him because there is less to do then really, you need to walk away now.....

My DH is a workaholic, but the positive side to that is that we live in a nice house in a lovely village with no mortgage, have money in the bank and are living a good lifestyle. So it's a trade off, and I don't have to work unless I choose to. He was terrible with babies/toddlers but has really come into his own as a parent to teenagers and has far more patience, tolerance and understanding than me at times. So it's been a balance on the scales of good/bad if that makes sense.

I think you need an open exchange with him..... you need a clear picture of your finances, and you need to both be on the same page of child raising especially where safety is concerned if you are to parent well together. I'd certainly not go back until you have proof that he can step up to the plate and you are 100% happy to. You shouldn't be dealing with this on top of your little one .

The sleeping thing is about not respecting your protective instincts as a parent and your knowledge of current guidelines/safe practices. If you are (naturally) anxious about your baby's safety, this will continue to be an issue if he does not give weight to your judgement. This may lead to things like him not properly supervising a toddler because he is on his phone, or leaving a small child home while he pops to the shop.

A lot of men go weird when they have a baby. The relationship changes and they don't know how to adapt.

It would be good to hear his side of the story, was he like this before the baby? You said he was like this, so is it bothering you now that you have the baby or is he getting worse?

My DP went weird when we had our first and we nearly broke up because we were both exhausted, cranky, irritable and I also wanted him to be more gentle with our PFB, he just didn't get it.

Not all men are like that after becoming fathers, and it's disappointing to see so many people making excuses for him doing nothing around the house, and very little for his child.

And no one seems to have picked up on the fact that his mum still buys all his clothes! That should have been the clue that he's a complete man-child who expects his wife to take on the 'mum' role.

If you stay together:

He needs to stop smoking. Better for your DD, better for everyone.

He needs to follow child safety guidelines. Ask your HV to talk to both of you, or go to baby clinic together.

An agreed amount of money needs to go into a joint account - same from you when you return to work.

I'd buy him a the book "wifework" ask him how he is going to fix the relationship once he's read it. If he doesn't take responsibility for working out what he needs to do and telling you after reading that...

He's a child and he's rebelling.

His attitude to his wife is awful, he is working all hours to make sure he can avoid responsibility at home. He refuses to listen to safety advice and he's hiding (or spending) money.

What are his good points? Cos they'd have to be absolutely fantastic to make up for all that.

Before you had the baby with him did you talk about his smoking and make some guidelines about it?

What was he like before you had the baby? It sounds like you’ve fallen into the gender trap where some men see children and the house as a woman’s responsibility and having a child triggers this. You wouldn’t be the first woman to find out that some men regress, rather than step up when it comes to parenthood.

I think you might have to accept that you’ve ignored this manchilds behaviour for far too long and if you are prepared to parent him and your DD, then you’ll be staying at your mum’s for the foreseeable. If you do stay at your mum’s be prepared for the family finances to take a turn for the worse, if your not around to police it.