Help me decide if my marriage is over

[Ialsolikepie]

A bit of a heavy title I know! Name changed because I might want to forget this post in 10 years but I'm a regular (cancel the cheque! We need a diagram etc.)

Background: married 7 years and we have a 5 month old baby. Before the baby we were best friends and almost never argued. Whenever I needed something I would say and he would do his best to make me happy. I have always swore to myself that I would never stay in a relationship that wasn't making me happy(er) because life is too short to attach myself to someone just for the sake of being in a couple, I do just fine on my own.

Then I had a baby. I'm currently staying at my mum's because he did something (in my view) unsafe with the baby. I discussed it with him, explained how I felt and asked him not to do it again. He said he wouldn't. He did it again. I went bananas, he said that it was fine and that I'm over reacting. I sent him research and guidelines. Told him that if he does that he can't be trusted with the baby. He said fine. Said he wouldn't. Did it again!

So I took the baby and left. If he puts my child in danger he doesn't get to look after her plain and simple, he woke up and I had taken all of her stuff and mine and moved in with my mum. I sent him a message asking him to leave me alone for a few days because I was too angry to speak to him.

It's now been a week and he is coming over Saturday. He has asked after us a couple of times, says he loves us etc. (Hasn't apologised though!)

Now, if he doesn't apologise abjectly and convince me that he is a safe parent we are done and he can see her with me supervising.

HOWEVER this time apart has made me realise that there are other problems with our relationship.

1. he is a workaholic - 100 hour weeks are not out of the ordinary. One of the reasons we haven't seen him for over a week is that he has been working long hours every day. He is self employed so this is something he is choosing to do, I asked that he takes one day off in every 7 but actually he doesn't do that very often.

2. he does basically no housework. He has been known to wash up bottles when he is home and always takes the bins out (unless he is working!) But that's it. Early in our marriage we divided up the chores because I hate housework and I'm not his mother. He doesn't do his stuff because work.

3. We have no money. He works all these hours and has a high hourly/daily rate so we should have loads of money but we never seem to. He has a business account and then we have a joint account and although our bills are always paid we don't have any savings and there never seems to be spare money. Occasionally I have to ask him to transfer money over which is pretty demeaning.

4. I plan everything. I plan, shop for and cook every meal. If I don't want to cook and we get takeaway I have to decide what takeaway, where to get it and order it myself. I take the baby to the doctors. I speak to the landlord if there's a problem. I buy and organise the baby's clothes. I have to write down what time she eats and when to give her medication otherwise he wouldn't give it. I chose all the furniture. He hasnt bought new clothes since we met, his mum has though. (He is 32 years old and I refuse. Again, not his mother)

5. he nags and sulks if we don't have sex. He gropes me and I have to shove him off. I had a baby, she doesn't sleep. Get off me.

ANYWAY! On reflection I appear to have accidently ended up married to a man child/sex pest who can't even look after a baby properly. And frankly I'm not sure I can be bothered to make the effort to fix all this. I have mentioned these things before and he changes for a bit and then gets lazy.

Should I have a long discussion with him this weekend (that I will have to organise) about everything that needs fixing in our relationship, in memory of the best friend and lover I used to have in my life? Or shall I just give up and see if he manages to grow up and then eventually get divorced and he can see the baby whenever he happens to have a day off? Is it LTB? I really did use to be happy and this is such a fucking cliche!

I have no idea what's going on money wise which I know is stupid, but in my defense I have to think about so much else that it's never really made it to the top of the proverbial intray. I am on both accounts I've just not been policing the business account - rent was paid and he would send money over whenever needed so it was never urgent iyswim.

I think it's mostly awful money management rather than anything sinister - lots of eating out when he is working and me not cooking because I haven't sat down all day/don't want to leave the baby to cry while I use the stove combined with never coming up with a proper budget because money in has never been consistent.

It's just working up the energy to come up with a budget and the then check both accounts daily to transfer over money from paid invoices/remind him to submit invoices then plan and shop for breakfast lunch and dinner is a really big job to do on my own on top of working full time then baby.

In regards to the sex/groping it is fucking grim and I've said as much, often bluntly and it's not like it works, if anything it has the opposite effect. But then it's not like I have to deal with the moods for long with him out at work!

I just don't understand how anyone can be expected to do job/housework/meal planning/shopping/cooking/financial planning and still have time for things like sleeping and washing. and this is before having a baby!

Am I just bad at being a grown up?

"my bottle fed premature baby" but it's not just your baby - there are two parents.
This my baby attitude will not help and probably explains why he disobeys you -even though your concerns may be justified.

Ruddygreattiger2016 (great name!) Frankly that's what I'm afraid of, which is why I'm disinclined to try. It's not like I haven't mentioned any of these things before although admittedly not all at once.

I'm inclined to think that I'll say it all, spend more emotional energy making a fucking list of how to be an adult and then have him either get defensive and argue OR promise the world and then get lazy again. And then I become the woman who left her husband because he wanted a hug/went to work/didn't put the dishwasher on after working for 16 hours straight to support her!

Fernando I meant my baby as opposed to yours - if anyone else wants to Co sleep with their child I'm not going to tell them how to parent!

Of course I treat her as his child - that's how he ended up having her overnight in the first place. He met her before I did (emergency c section) and chose her name. Refusing to compromise on one specific safety issue does not make me an overbearing mother Imo.

Actually serialcheat you did infer it was ok when you talked about how they'll look back on this and wonder what all the fuss was about and how he'll ""mature into a loving and responsible...partner"" as though HE were 15 and just needed time grow .

I don't need perspective or deep lakes of luck to knohe's being a dick and he needs to stop pressuring his partner into sex, not gain perspective on it over time.

However my post wasnt specifically aimed at you.

And Hess working 1pp hour's a week- he should be doing his own invoice chasing, blah blah blah unless he is paying you

I'm surprised that so many posters are going softly on him. These are major problems.

I'm married to a workaholic, and it sucks. BUT he makes a very nice living and I use some of that money to make things easier for me, such as having some one come in to clean. The combination of him working all the time and also not having money seems absolutely absurd. It means that you are left responsible for everything, and without even a reasonable financial contribution.

Honestly, every single thing you list will continue to be a problem in the future. Even safety -- while the exact safety issue will change, childhood is filled with safety issues.

I would talk to him, frankly, about your complete lack of hope for the relationship. You do have a child, and while he is doing next to nothing for you or the baby, it does seem worth while to at least talk to him.

Standingup

Have you never cocked up, then looked back on it with the advantage and luxury of time and perspective and been the wiser for it !?

Wherever the journey takes Op and her husband, in time,they'll look back on it, either separately or together, and be wiser for it ( One would hope ).

Personally, I think it should be taught in schools.....

When you meet someone and have kids, everything you knew and had has gone......

Some couples with children evolve and grow and become a fantastic and complete and loving sharing and caring family unit...... Many others don't.......

Many men ( Probably the 95 % ) just don't understand or comprehend the massive hormonal, emotional and mental changes and challenges a woman goes through, to have children and nurture them ( Which should be a joint thing ). Having a money hoarding, groping manchild is never going to end well......

Can Ops husband change !? Maybe.....

Can Op compromise !? Should she........

My only suggestion is they both take time out.....

But in time, hopefully, they'll both arrive at a better place...... Maybe together, maybe not.....

The thing I'm getting from OP is that she can try and she can talk to him and she can put forward what she wants (whether that be budgeting, him doing more housework, working less hours) and he might well agree.

But then he's going to carry on doing exactly what he wants.

He did it with the co-sleeping, he's done it with the sex-pest issue, I've no doubt he's done it with other issues. I'm certain that when OP tries to agree a budget it will be the same story.

People like this all work in the same way. They agree, they pay lip service for a little while, they do what they want, they apologise, they say they didn't understand... and then repeat.

It's not a case of 'getting lazy', it's not a case of not understanding your feelings or your arguments, it's just who he is.

That's the lesson I've learned from my mountains and lakes of luck.

I think the money thing is a big deal. With 100 hours and a high rate, he should be able to afford cleaners, he should be efficient and effective at little tasks like ordering a takeaway, and anyway, you should have equal access and information about the finances. The sex thing is bad.

Just a reminder OP that your baby has two parents. If you split up he will have access and the baby will eventually spend a lot of time with him on her own. You will not be able to see micro manage how he looks after the baby on his time.
It sounds like you have gone into childcare all guns blazing. Perhaps he needs to have responsible parenting modelled? He will have the baby anyway so he needs to learn and take responsibility. Try not to undermine him but encourage him to look after the baby independently.Perhaps your mother or his mother could help at first so that he gains confidence and has some gentle supervision.
The other stuff is wrong. You do not need to tolerate any of it.
Get a cleaner asap. You will feel so much better without taking on any domestic responsibilities.Ditto, three nights a week he has to bring home supper (take always,ready meals)
New born babies are so precious but hard work. It gets so much easier. You are right to want the best for your baby. Her father should be encouraged to be equally protective.
Good luck.

'I just don't understand how anyone can be expected to do job/housework/meal planning/shopping/cooking/financial planning and still have time for things like sleeping and washing. and this is before having a baby!'

Ah, so he was like this BEFORE baby came along. In that case I would be very sceptical talking to him again will make any difference.

It works very well for him for you to do 99% of everything PLUS work and I agree with others that he may well be out at his job but there is no way he is actually working, more just faffing around looking busy on his pc.

Op, you have stepped up as a parent and are working yourself into the ground. His life has stayed the same. He simply doesn't want to pull his weight. End it now and I bet you will thrive just you and dc. You deserve more than this

So you've asked him not to let your dd fall asleep on him, covered up in a duvet.

He ignores you and does it again

You've asked him to stop gropping you and pestering you for sex.

He ignores you and does it again

Please listen to him, he doesn't respect your feelings, or wishes. For goodness sake, that pig Weinstein is all over the news because he gropes women and assumes they want sex with him. Your H is going exactly the same to you.

Just to give you perspective, my Dh is also workaholic, with his own business. Over the time of our marriage, I have been done pretty much responsibility for everything home and DD wise.
However I have been happy with this because I know he loves and respects me and the dc. If and when I was struggling (pmt, dc really playing up, just generally pissed of, going out etc) dh would do everything to make sure he was there for me, give advice, take over etc.
He always clears up after himself, clothes, dishes, his general stuff.
He has never once groped me or pestered me for sex.
If possible, he made sure he spent time every day with the dc, even if it was only putting them to bed and reading them a story.
He constantly tells me he how much he appreciates me, and everuthing I do for him and the family.
I just knew he had my back and when the shit had really hit the fan, bereavements, illnesses etc, I know he will be there.
He would often work ridiculous hours and still does, but he also loves and respects his wife. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

If I were you I wouldn't bother trying again because he's just not a very nice person.

Whoever mentioned respect has nailed it in my opinion.

I was exactly the same with sleep guidance with my first op, and there were a few other things me and dh stuck by. I was so aware of extended family giving each other a look when we didn’t accept their suggestions or advice which we never fucking asked for in the first place. They didn’t respect me as a parent as they have so many kids between them, and I was seen as hormonal and possessive. I’m so glad dh was on the same page, so it must be so difficult for you battling against your dh.

If he is self employed surely he has the luxury of being able to manage his own hours and workload (within financial situations that is). His escaping and leaving you to manage everything else is not respectful.

The sex pest thing is not respectful.

Humouring your requests and ignoring them is not respectful.

I hope you arrive at the right decision for you.

I couldn’t live like this. I wouldn’t stay married to a workaholic that uses his business to evade his responsibilities at home, and who also pesters for sex. It would appear that he sees you as a shag that keeps the house clean and feeds him.

So basically he works all the time yet never seems to make money; he does nothing round the house yet has time to pester his wife for sex including groping her when she does not want it; and when discussing safe sleeping and knew something was a deal breaker did it anyway (presumably because he thought it would not matter)

If that accurately describes 95% men I am horrified! These don't appear to be new issues either, his laziness was around before the baby and presumably so was the sex pest side you just were not as tired

Truthfully see what he does and how he approaches it but I would not want to be married to someone who clearly does not respect me

I don't agree with the "95% of men are like the OP's H" stat either.

Yes you need a discussion.
But.... you tell him to lead.
I realise this is still spelling things out to him, but tell him, he has to come to you with a list of what HE thinks is wrong and plans for how to fix them.
Then sit back and see what he says.
You'll know from that how serious he is about saving this marriage.
You do your own list.
Unfortunately, I don't think he will change.
But that might be worth a try.

My X was like this with the first baby, and he actually got worse with the second. My resentment just grew and grew until I exploded. So my experience has been a man like this will not change. But I would love to see a post from someone saying their partner started out like this and was subsequently permanently and positively reformed.

Thanks for the responses overnight everybody, it's been really nice to just put everything down and have someone not involved give their perspective even if ultimately it's my choice what I can and can't live with.

Ultimately I think I would find it easier to live with myself if I said everything to him, said what I needed and give him the chance to be the husband and father that I think is in there somewhere. That doesn't mean that I'd be willing to go back any time soon!

I'm a firm believer that "if someone tells you who they are, believe them" so I'm not holding out much hope to be honest, but he has shown himself capable occasionally so maybe he will eventually grow up.

I made sure to take everything that I need with me (I've read far too many horror stories on here about what can happen when a wife says she is leaving) so I have birth certificates, passports and sentimental stuff as well as everything DD needs day to day so if I never go home and have to start over I can.

Obviously I would never stop him seeing DD but I do think that I can avoid the overnights until she is old enought not to be at risk (forcing overnight contact takes time away from work afterall)- all other aspects of his parenting fine and he does love her to bits.

here is a link to that quote with pretty backgrounds, all set up to be wall papers:

quotefancy.com/quote/453/Maya-Angelou-When-someone-shows-you-who-they-are-believe-them-the-first-time

I honestly don't hold much hope for your relationship. He would have to change, really change.

Coming in a bit late I guess, & I don't know anything about prem babies,
I suppose he wants to love & bond with his baby, it is also his right, sadly he is to following the rules. Have you said "our baby could get sick, die" ? I think he is however coming from a good place on this one.
The working 24/7 & no sign of the dosh is wierd. if he stashing it, is he spending it/wasting it ? Why aren't you finances open to see?
if he is not making any money why is he working all hours? is he indeed working all these hours?
the housework is boringly typical of many men, he might also say he is out working & providing, & SAHM is the role of "home maker", it's what you do until you return to work, although he should help when he gets home.
The sex pest is vile, I think for me it is the one thing that I wouldn't get over, If he is absent emotionally, & physically, & not doing things important to you, added to sleepless nights, & being knackered. why would you want sex? .... Just NO,
I agree, let him come & tell you what he thinks is wrong, but it almost sounds you know you don't need him so you have decided you can't be bothered to try..

not following the rules

Wow OP. I wish I had seen the light, as you have, 13 odd years ago. You give him these ultimatums and see his reactions. It is SO hard but you know things aren't working, in many respects. The sex pest thing is incredibly awful. I had natural births with no complications and was pestered at one week PP, which I now look back on as a fucking piss take!.
Following a c-section with a premature baby, first baby too, his pestering is incredibly self-centred and unattractive. Even 5 months on (a relitively short time)
I also had the 'not listening' thing - about everything. I had given birth to 'our' baby and he was not listening to my previous experience as a mother, or my wishes. About absuloutely everything. He knew best

He treated the child as a gift to his family and they railroaded my life. Everything will get increasingly unattractive until the resentment eats away at you, unless things change NOW. He needs to change and know WHY he has to change, not (as pp have said) just make noises and carry on as usual.
I wish you well and feel certain you will make the right decision for you and your DD

To be honest just the sleeping thing would be enough for me to leave without all the other stuff. I know some people would disagree with me but that would upset me so much. Once is careless but doing it again and again when he knows the risks is just pigheaded. Like he's doing it to prove a point, risking the safety of his own baby!