Why do I hate the thought of dating?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I would love a relationship one day. But I've been let down so many times that I've become disllusioned. I've had a long relationship when he fell out of love and three short relationships where they all lost interest. The dating scene seems full of evasive and disingenuous people.
I'm done. But it's sad really as I do think I'd be a good partner for someone. I only feel dread though, when I think of ever dating again. I am too tired. I also feel v protective of myself right now. I guess I may not always feel this way. Anyone else feel like this?

Probably true yetmorecrap.
Women will overlook more if the man is wealthy but I think the same cannot be said with men.
They would still rather date a pretty woman even if she was broke and homeless.

What I think is that you're looking for someone then you are better off getting involved in clubs and groups etc where you have an actual interest in the activity.
Lots of groups such as kayaking,climbing, cycling,diving etc have loads of men in and unless you are not interested or are already attached you will get fixed up eventually.Also you get to see what the person is like with other friends and in a group.That has to be better than OLD.

Totally agree - old is quick fix disposable society. The Mac Donald’s of the dating world. You need to acquire depth of friendships and expand your life to have more success and have truly long lasting connections. Groups, interests, group holidays even chat forums about topics you are interested in much better.

User149 - that is true.

Most men I know don't give a toss what a woman does for a job or how much money she has. If she is pretty and slim, she is in regardless!

I think for initial dating stages, looks matter. But relationships are different.

Mistress - brilliant post, I totally agree with you.

I get dumped a lot too OP! 3 'relationships,' fledgeling though they were.
Everybody on mumsnet assumes you're a clingy vacuum with no self-worth when you say that. I have a good self esteem DESPITE the endless rejections. I brush it off.

The only one I missed admitted he wouldnt commit. I walked away, I missed him. The others, within a week i always think, yeh that wasnt going to work.

I cannot be bothered any more.

No I don't think OLD works for most and I don't think it's to do with being too white or too plain (I get loads of messages and dates if I want them). Agree that getting out is best and doing it in RL.

Im slim and white and attractive.
I think my "stumbling block" is that I wont play in a lower league. I just couldnt fake an attraction to an unattractive man or fake respect for a stupid man with incoherent philosophies, or tolerate sexism or unkindness or meanness or a bad temper.
What i want, i can offer that to somebody else.

Im trying to think about how to build a life that works around being single. Kids teen and pre-teen. It isnt what i thought myvlife would be. I thought sociable just ended up with somebody.

No I'm the same. I can't be with someone I'm not attracted to.

Well, have been thinking similarly. I'm 51.

Had one last go at online dating recently. Out-of-date photos - my date looked awful and even scary - I didn't even recognise him except for the fact he was the only man alone in the bar. This happened with the previous date too! Strange!

Then back online I get messages from the strangest looking men. Mostly older. The weirdest profiles. Or if they're pleasant they're bland old codgers! The tiniest smidgeon of good looks, humour or individuality is like a glass of cold water in a desert but very rarely found. Sometimes I see a vaguely attractive man in my age group with a reasonable profile who lives less than 100 miles away! However I know he is unlikely to reply - he'll be thinking he deserves younger, fitter, etc. Meanwhile its a cliche that the good ones are taken but its true.

I look younger than my age, I know I'm vaguely attractive, certainly compared to most of men in my age group who look terrible! But also am aware that am getting older. Thinking of the future, there are so few interesting men online that it seems I will not find any kind of male companionship there. And even if I did, what would be the point of spending time with some dull old codger, I have suddenly realised?

A happy single life is the way to go. I really just can't spend one more minute of my precious time and energy on this nonsense.

I'm with you, Far.

Ltr from mid 20s - mid/late 30s with a man who didn't love me. I didn't love him either tbf - we were friends who should never have got together and stayed together so we didn't lose the friendship.

Since then - 12 months ldr relationship with a man who was cheating on me throughout; 5 months with a man who ultimately felt I was too old for him (despite being 3 yrs younger - my turning 40 was a big problem for him).

And recently, just lost a 7 month relationship with someone I just met on a night out. We clicked immediately and became really close friends before getting together. It happened exactly the way it's 'supposed' to.

I'm utterly heartbroken. Partly because I have lost someone who was so good for me and partly because I know that that is it and it won't happen again. I'd kind of already accepted it wasn't going to happen and this man was a real 'you'll find it when you least expect it' thing.

I don't think I have ridiculously high standards: I want someone who is kind, loyal, curious; well mannered; with a similar social attitude to mine; neither racist, sexist nor homophobic; someone I wouldn't be ashamed to introduce to my friends... I find men like this to be very few and far between.

The biggest issue I have is that I appear to be the 'wrong sort of' woman. But I am not prepared to change who I am.

And yes, totally agree with the age thing. Men who are in their 60s generally don't want to do the sort of things I do and I don't want someone old enough to be my dad! Men my age who do want to do the things i do are looking to do them with someone 20 years younger.

I'm 43.

I'm a man whose given up too. After plenty of attempts OLD on the various sites, I found precisely the same things you complain about in men with the majority of women.

These days, it seems you can't be a woman doing OLD unless you either use Snapchat filters on your photos or do a stupid pouty face. I assumed that might be something early 20s might do, but women in their late 30s-late 40s? And, as with another PP, a lot of people must have had very hard lives as they say they are 37, 38 but look a good ten years older than me and I'm almost 44.

There are decent guys out there, just as there are decent women out there but they are very hard to find and, I think in both cases, they tend to get overlooked OLD because of the sweetshop conveyor belt mentality that "well, there are plenty of others" and people we might genuinely click with in real life don't get a look in on OLD because there's always someone more attractive on the page we're looking at.

Shatner It's very true about passing on someone you'd click with in real life. The man I recently went out with wouldn't ever have been someone I thought I was looking for.

I see the complaint about women and too much make up/pouty selfies/snapchat filters often. I didn't do the pouty faces or the snapchat filters. I had photos of me doing some of my hobbies, some close up photos, some without make up, some showing that I scrub up reasonably well when I'm not sitting in a field around a fire. But it didn't seem to make any difference.

I was honest about my age; honest in my photos; honest about my job. Honest in my conversations; honest if I ever met anyone...

But, even on POF where I understand everyone is successful in at least getting emails, I got 30 views and about 8 emails all saying "Hi" or "Hi howz u" (no ?) or similar across 3 days.

My profile didn't mention wanting babies, getting married, "nights out and quiet nights in" or "cudding on the sofa with a dvd". Most of the men who emailed me hadn't even viewed my profile.

I think the problem is that what I want and what I offer makes me 'unviable' in dating terms. I think if you're very 'middle of the road' you're more likely to be successful perhaps.

I don't think most women my age are looking for men 10-20 years younger, I do think OLD favours men, I don't think its an equal playing field. There may be one or two men who are genuine at my age who would be a match for me, but few and far between! And those who are I suspect with sweetshop mentality are looking over their shoulder perhaps for someone younger and more attractive/unattainable! And I agree with PJs middle of the road is easier probably .

Anyway, perhaps the merry widow is merry for a reason !

If you're to use OLD at all you need to be treating it as a tool, alongside doing whatever you can IRL rather than putting all your eggs in a demonstrably unreliable basket.

Another man here dipping my toe in, and not especially enjoying the experience, but I'm in bars/pubs at least once a week and not found #TheOne there yet either so will carry-on with both for the time being.

I'm curious as to how old the men on here are, Shatner and Patsy, and the age of women you're searching for.

I'm with Patsy. I think you need to use it as a tool alongside other things but it's still hard.

I have a hobby that is very male heavy - it's just that they are allmarried/partnered and 20+ years older than me!

I recently dropped a similar hobby in another area that was also still men heavy, and the men were a similar age to me, but they were still mainly married. And those who weren't married/partnered already were not looking at me!

I must be unusual.

I'm a man who's used OLD several times, but don't search for women 20 years younger than me! I can't think of anything worse.

When I last used it (last year) I think my age range was low 40s (43 maybe) to 55. I was 47 at the time - my previous g/f was 8 years older than me and looked fabulous so I included an upper age range that she would have fitted into.

When I've used it before, I obviously messaged people I found attractive - but it didn't have to be a "OMG!" kind of moment when I saw the photos. Virtually everybody I met looked far better in real life anyway.

In fact, the girl I did meet on there last year had one nice-ish photo, and two fairly rubbish ones (one of them made her look 10 years older than she is). In real life, she is stunning - so you never really know.

I quite like the idea that most men are rubbish on there - gives some of us a better chance!

Hm... I've got an old OLD account that is hidden. I've just looked on to see what my 'matches' look like.

These are lines/quotes from different men who fit my search criteria...

looking to meet someone special (in the romantic sense) No.

photo caption with mates messing about: I spend some of my spare time with adults with special needs No.

Someone looking for his sole mate No.

Like all men... No.

Sundays are for cuddles in bed. No.

Is this site full of crazy women?!!! No.

One had a great profile. Really caught my eye. Until the last line No No. As above.

Headline: Seeking Jessica Rabbit No.

Only a man would ask for someone I can trust with my vulnerability That's a 'line' if ever I heard one! No.

And that was just on the first page!

And that is why (online) dating is a no go for me.

I quite like the idea that most men are rubbish on there - gives some of us a better chance!

I've just looked at a profile where the man had included a screenshot of his ebay feedback page as one of his photos.

I mean, admittedly, he'd got 5 stars and "Fantastic ebayer. Quick payment" are great ebay feedbacks but on a dating profile...

I've given up, I rarely meet any single women who are compatible and OLD is hopeless, far too many women with long lists of demands and very short lists of what they bring to the table.

95% of the matches I get are 10+ years older or have 5 stone on me - I have an obviously athletic physique, there's not point me getting involved with someone who couldn't even come close to keeping up with me.

far too many women with long lists of demands

I must admit, when I went back on there last year (after a break of just over 5 years) I was genuinely surprised. It felt like I needed to be a cross between Brad Pitt and George Clooney, funny, rich, successful, have a dog, holiday on my private yacht etc. etc.

Fortunately, with a bit more time I realised there were actually some normal people on there.

I know it's been said before, but there really ought to be MN Personals. I know there are a fair few of us on here, men and women, saying the same thing.

If we're all the decent ones perhaps we should match up with each other!

PJs I no longer look. But when I did, my age range was 6 years younger and 4 years older. The reason for that range was I looked at my friends of both sexes and the vast majority fell in that range but veering slightly towards the younger. I do have some friends a bit older and a bit younger. My ex of 10 years was actually 11 years older than me, but the age gap did become an issue, which is why I generally didn't look for more than 4 years older. I certainly never looked for anyone significantly younger than me because I can't imagine having a great deal in common.

If I was to ever try OLD again - God I hope not - being almost 44 I would probably be looking similar sort of range either side. That's not to say if I met someone in real life who was 35 with similar interests I'd immediately rule them out.

Failing Oh yes, the list of demands and tick boxes in many profiles was just ridiculous. It also seemed as if at least 50% of women would not date you if you were under 6ft tall (I'm 5ft 10).

Worse than the list of demands is the total lack of information - female profiles that say "'." or "..." or "fill in later" make up the vast majority of the ones I see.

And I say that as a 47 year old searching the 42-55 range!

If the ladies can't be bothered to fill in their one chance of standing out for the crowd, are they really surprised at the quality of men they attract?