When your wife comes home upset.....

[Starlight100]

NC for this. Just had what I guess is a bit of a fight with DH. I'd come home upset after one of a group of boys threw a stone at the car and chipped the windscreen as I drove past them. I came in and told DH, he asked if I'd got any details from them, me being upset said something along the lines of "obviously not, they denied it", my tone may not have been great but I was upset.

DH tells me to fuck off and not take it out on him because I was upset.

I went in the other room and had a bit of a cry before reporting the damage to 101, then said sorry to DH if I took it out on him but I was just upset. He said so I should be and that he's not my punchbag. I replied I'm not his either and that he swears at me far more than is necessary and that I want it to stop. He didn't reply, just left the room and went upstairs.

He does swear at me more then he should and I don't feel it's deserved. I was cleaning the head of the hoover the other day and he was coring an apple over the kitchen sink. I asked if I could get in under the sink to get a duster, he muttered "for fuck's sake" and that what he wants doesn't matter. Stuff like that, that's really minor and that most people would have no problem with.

I've been questioning whether I want to stay with him for the last couple of weeks. After a leaving do at work, I got speaking to a friend of mine and somehow the conversation got on to whether I'm happy with DH, as my friend had the feeling I wasn't, I'd described myself as "not unhappily married" after drunkenly confessing a crush on another guy at work. And that conversation just really got me thinking, how we don't really have anything in common and don't really spend that much time together. Even in the evenings I'll be in the living room watching TV and he'll be upstairs on his computer.

We've been married 3 years, together for 12, no kids but I do want to be a mum one day. I'm 30, he's 35. He's not averse to having kids, but he's made it clear it would only be because I wanted them as he's not really fussed either way, although I do believe he would be a good dad. He never wants to go out and do anything, any suggestion comes from me. Even when we went to London for a few days earlier this year (my idea to celebrate my 30th), he left all the decisions about what to do up to me, which just makes me feel bad as I know he doesn't really want to be there.

Since this conversation with my friend I've just been seriously questioning whether I want to stay with him. Tonight has just upset me a bit and since he just left the room and didn't even acknowledge me when I told him the police would be coming tomorrow evening, I'm thinking more and more that splitting would be the right thing to do. But how do you even go about having a civilised conversation about it? Not really sure what I'm asking for here, but I just wanted to get some outside perspective I guess.

Thanks for reading.

He will not be a good dad.

It's all over bar the shouting. Take some time to let that sink in and emotionally detach from someone you've been with since you were a child. I'd been with my exH since I was 18. Even though he was a lying cheating emotionally abusive twunt at the end of it it's still difficult to untangle your life when you've been together most of your life. That doesn't mean you should just stay with the known quantity, no matter how soul destroying.

Google 'sunk costs fallacy '.

Do NOT get pregnant. You'll be tied to him forever. And if he's an arse when you're his DW imagine what a twat he'll be when he has to cough up child maintenance for a kid he was ambivalent about having.

You've got years to move on, meet someone new and have kids. Don't waste any more fertile years on this starter relationship.

He did apologise. Should have said. I told him that it wasn't on that he swore at me so much and he said he'd try to stop. It's a bad habit he has, he doesn't just swear at me but in general conversation. That I can put up with but when it's at me that's different.

He's really not as bad as some of you seem to think. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses or something but he is a good person, does his share round the house and with the dog etc. He said this morning he wants to make more of an effort with doing stuff together.

Have had a little cry this morning and he gave me a hug. I need to give it a bit of time and see how I feel. Don't think I can make a decision just yet.

He basically feels that I don't give him any consideration and that I take stuff out on him and don't listen to his opinion, and that I never remember things he's said.

Aw, how nice of him to blame you. Did he explain why he was more concerned about you confronting people who had just attacked you for 'details' than about actually concerned about you? I suppose that is down to you not [fill in bullshit here].

He says he loves me and I believe him. He wants to make us work.

Aw, bless. So he wants to make you work but it is down to you to change your behaviours, so that he doesn't abuse you, in order to make it work. And then it will all be your fault if it doesn't. You need to start reading between the lines here, and see he is setting this up as a lose/lose for you and win/win for him.

I once skidded on black ice did a 360 and ended up in a dyke after four night shifts. I was so tired. First person I called was my partner, he shouted at me and but came to see if he could pull me out with his van. He couldn't , he shouted at me again. Never once did he say he was glad I was ok ( it was a close call, could have been much worse). A very kind lofty driver managed to get me out and he showed more kindness to me than partner did. I cried after he left for hours. I went in to have two kids with him, I can tell you 100 instances where my heart fell through my chest because his first reaction is always blaming and anger. I left him 8 months ago. Evaluate your relationship but don't waste your 30s like I did.

It's ok to leave a marriage because you're unhappy and want a child. It really is. There doesn't need to be a plethora of excuses, or things to be at rock bottom.

Everyone deserves a chance at happiness and I can't see that you'll get that here.

It’s your life, I suppose. I couldn’t live like this.

Could he have picked up on the fact that you fancy someone else and is harbouring resentment?

You're 30 and you've been together for 12 years. Do you love him or is it just habit?

Of course you've changed, you're not 18 anymore.

Don't have children with him in the hope he'll be a good Dad, it's not fair on the child for a start. Plus when you're exhausted will he want to know or will you get 'well you wanted it' thrown at you. Because trust me if he's swearing at you already a newborn thrown in to the mix will only make things 10 times worse.

He shouldn't swear at you at all. Don't start minimising now. He has a short fuse. Do you want your kids on the end of that swearing? Caring supportive partners are available!

MN could really do with a red flag emoticon.
🔺

Please don't stay.

It's not fair to be swearing at you. The way that he treated you last night wasn't right and you having to go to him to say sorry seems emotionally abusive to me.

Could you give your relationship another chance? Make effort to spend time with him?

Yes Hufflepuff that's what I'm thinking at the moment.

Why do I keep thinking of the Maria Kondo sentence..if it doesn't bring joy into your life ...get rid!

Does that sum it up?

Since we don’t know the tone of voice you used it’s possible you were ‘taking it out’ on him.
See how things go on. But if your feelings and needs are consistently inconvenient to him I would say it’s time to go.

My relationship with my ex was like this for years. We went on to have two children, and broke up when they were 3 & 4. I wish I’d ended it before children, there were so many times it could of ended and that would of been it. I’d not change having my kids but I wish I’d had them with someone I was happier with.