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Original poster

When your wife comes home upset.....

66 replies

Starlight100 · 11/10/2017 20:08

NC for this. Just had what I guess is a bit of a fight with DH. I'd come home upset after one of a group of boys threw a stone at the car and chipped the windscreen as I drove past them. I came in and told DH, he asked if I'd got any details from them, me being upset said something along the lines of "obviously not, they denied it", my tone may not have been great but I was upset.

DH tells me to fuck off and not take it out on him because I was upset.

I went in the other room and had a bit of a cry before reporting the damage to 101, then said sorry to DH if I took it out on him but I was just upset. He said so I should be and that he's not my punchbag. I replied I'm not his either and that he swears at me far more than is necessary and that I want it to stop. He didn't reply, just left the room and went upstairs.

He does swear at me more then he should and I don't feel it's deserved. I was cleaning the head of the hoover the other day and he was coring an apple over the kitchen sink. I asked if I could get in under the sink to get a duster, he muttered "for fuck's sake" and that what he wants doesn't matter. Stuff like that, that's really minor and that most people would have no problem with.

I've been questioning whether I want to stay with him for the last couple of weeks. After a leaving do at work, I got speaking to a friend of mine and somehow the conversation got on to whether I'm happy with DH, as my friend had the feeling I wasn't, I'd described myself as "not unhappily married" after drunkenly confessing a crush on another guy at work. And that conversation just really got me thinking, how we don't really have anything in common and don't really spend that much time together. Even in the evenings I'll be in the living room watching TV and he'll be upstairs on his computer.

We've been married 3 years, together for 12, no kids but I do want to be a mum one day. I'm 30, he's 35. He's not averse to having kids, but he's made it clear it would only be because I wanted them as he's not really fussed either way, although I do believe he would be a good dad. He never wants to go out and do anything, any suggestion comes from me. Even when we went to London for a few days earlier this year (my idea to celebrate my 30th), he left all the decisions about what to do up to me, which just makes me feel bad as I know he doesn't really want to be there.

Since this conversation with my friend I've just been seriously questioning whether I want to stay with him. Tonight has just upset me a bit and since he just left the room and didn't even acknowledge me when I told him the police would be coming tomorrow evening, I'm thinking more and more that splitting would be the right thing to do. But how do you even go about having a civilised conversation about it? Not really sure what I'm asking for here, but I just wanted to get some outside perspective I guess.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 11/10/2017 21:13

Horribly unsupportive and nasty.

I had a car damage situation yesterday. I drove into the post by the gate to our drive. The post fell over and the car needs a repair. My husband reacted by first having a slightly annoyed face and taking a deep breath. Followed by giving me a hug, saying 'What are you like...', then telling me not to worry and asking if I wanted a cup of tea or a glass of wine.

Just saying..

CherriesInTheSnow · 11/10/2017 21:17

SendintheArdwolves 's post has IMO summed up everything you need to hear OP. Please don't settle, it's not normal to be that way with each other, you can be much happier Flowers

Sistersofmercy101 · 11/10/2017 21:24

Is he this rude/impatient /mean/insensitive to everyone else?

Or just behind closed doors?
Because if he's nasty tempered with you behind closed doors - what makes you think he'd be more patient with your child behind closed doors?
Just because he's great with someone else's DC (where there are not closed doors - because they're someone else's DC) isn't a true indication of what he'd be like as a father. Just my opinion though.

Sarahh2014 · 11/10/2017 21:25

😂😂👌

BlueRabbitWasNaughty · 11/10/2017 21:26

If you're already thinking about leaving, don't have kids with him.

That will add huge pressure onto a relationship that already isn't great....

Sarahh2014 · 11/10/2017 21:26

Dontdrinkdontsmoke that tickled me

DrunkUnicorn · 11/10/2017 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shoxfordian · 11/10/2017 22:00

He isn't kind to you and you seem very unhappy

Don't have children with him hoping he will change and be a great Dad. Ltb

RedForFilth · 11/10/2017 22:55

Neither of you sound happy or like you actually like each other!
You want kids and he doesn't so you need to end it. Otherwise if you do get pregnant you'll be upset he doesn't look after the kid and all you'll get is "you wanted it so you can look after it".

HarmlessChap · 12/10/2017 01:22

DW just did something very similar.

She'd had something avoidable go wrong at work and its happened before. I asked a question to try and understand why things haven't been changed to stop it happening she jumped down my throat.

Uncalled for, I told her that I didn't want to talk about it with her if she's going to be like that and left her to stomp about in the kitchen as it was her turn to cook.

No need to swear at her, no apology given was but none was expected either. By the time dinner was ready she had calmed down and she went off to bed early as she has to go in early tomorrow to sort things out.

Shit happens, no I'm not her punch bag or lightening conductor and she's not mine we all get riled from time to time and IME when that happens you can either escalate the issue or give the other person space.

KarateKitten · 12/10/2017 01:26

He sounds really nasty and no, it's not 'really minor stuff that most people would be fine with'.

notangelinajolie · 12/10/2017 01:31

Sorry OP he sounds like a dick. You are only 30 - move on and find someone else. You are worth so much more than him.

Xoticdreamz · 12/10/2017 01:36

He is complasint ( sp) with you , he either needs a big shock to reevaluate your value or leave him.

Creambun2 · 12/10/2017 01:45

You sound really down op Sad

Do you get anything from the relationship? Dh sounds like he is really rude to you. Just awful swearing at you as you simply wanted to get into a cuboard.

Seeingadistance · 12/10/2017 01:55

I'm sorry, but he sounds horrible and I agree with others that it's time to move on. And, going by the way he is with you, he'd be a crap dad.

Perfectly1mperfect · 12/10/2017 02:13

Only you can decide obviously but what I would say is that relationships can become a lot harder once you have children as you are tired and don't have as much spare time. If your relationship now consists of not wanting to spend time with each other and him snapping at you, then I would worry what it would be like bringing a child into it.

Although I think a lot of relationships can be like yours after many years and the stresses that children bring, I would like to think that beforehand they start off with a happy couple and then at least there is the chance that you will remain happy years down the line.

Without children your time is your own, you could be doing loads of things together, whenever you wanted without having to think about kids bedtimes, school holidays etc. In theory if you are with the right person I would think that things should be great between you.

Having just read this back, it sounds like I think having kids is terrible, which it obviously isn't, I just think if things are not good before children then they won't be good after. And if you don't go on to have children do you really want to spend your life like this.

I would tell him I wanted to talk, tell him your thoughts and see what he has to say.

SleepFreeZone · 12/10/2017 02:21

A good relationship is when you've reached the end of your tether, your partner finds another inch or so and pulls you out the hole. Your husband would throw you in the bloody hole and leave you to it! Please don't have children with this man. You will lost your independence and freedom and he won't support you.

Tara336 · 12/10/2017 02:26

I felt like this with my now exh he used to look at me with disgust if I said "the wrong thing" I felt like my very existence irritated him, he would huff and puff at me and in the end I had no confidence in myself. I tried for way too long to make it work. I left and am now in a loving supportive relationship and although I feel like a failure for divorcing I am a much happier person. Life is to short to be made to feel like shit

ShitOrBust · 12/10/2017 02:30

You should dump him and move on.
he has no respect for you and that would be enough to make me either throw him out or leave myself.
sounds like you desperately want to hang on to him, at all costs.
find your pride and your anger and get shot of this loser.

HashtagTired · 12/10/2017 02:31

Perhaps have a break first. It might be just what you need.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/10/2017 02:45

Someone threw stones at you. Threw actual stones. And your loving partner’s reaction was to ask if you got their details? Not be angry with them, concerned about your safety, upset that you could have been hurt. And then when you react out of stress, he tells you to ‘fuck off’?

Leave. He will not be a good dad.

PuellaEstCornelia · 12/10/2017 06:47

Sounds like you're both done.

paq · 12/10/2017 06:54

Please don’t have kids with him.

He doesn’t sound as if he even likes you.

Original poster
Starlight100 · 12/10/2017 07:14

Well. We ended up having a long talk last night after I asked if he was still in a bad mood because I was a bit short with him and we got a few things out in the open.

He basically feels that I don't give him any consideration and that I take stuff out on him and don't listen to his opinion, and that I never remember things he's said. I explained that I feel that I've changed an awful lot since we got together and that I've started to think that maybe we're not really compatible with what we want in life. Also that he doesn't have the feeling of actually wanting to be a dad, and I'm not sure I want to have a baby with someone who doesn't really want one (Monica from Friends, anyone?).

He says he loves me and I believe him. He wants to make us work. Me, however, I'm not sure because I feel like we'll end up the same way as we have been just recently ie. nothing in common, not spending much time together etc.

Anyway I need to do some thinking. For now we're going to carry on but I need to sort my head out and work out if I want to save us, I'm not sure at the moment. I don't want to upset him by ending it but at the same time he reacted very calmly to the possibility when I told him I'd been thinking about it.

OP posts:
CJCreggsGoldfish · 12/10/2017 07:23

You're 30, get out now is my honest opinion. He's telling you what he thinks he needs to say to make you stay as he doesn't want his status quo upset. I'm guessing he didn't apologise for his behaviour recently either?

I'm a very different person to the one I was at 18, teen relationships can work out long term, but you need to grow together and it doesn't sound like you 2 have. He sounds an utter areshole to be honest.

As someone said up thread - you're supposed to be his favourite person. Does it feel that way to you?

He will make an awful father. On bad days he'll blame you as 'he only had the baby because of you'. Leave, spend time on your own, decide what you want out of life and go and be happy!