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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Who was in the wrong here - me or dh?

56 replies

Borris · 11/10/2017 19:27

I got home tonight and could hear dd crying from outside. When I got in dh was sat on the sofa and dd on a chair crying and snotty with red eyes. Really distressed.

She was meant to be learning her 3x table. Dh was telling her that her attitude to homework was awful and that she would look stupid in front of her friends.

When she saw me she begged me to help her. Initially I kept out the way, but after 10 mins she was still crying.

I went down and started going through the times table chanting and then mixing it up. She was trying really hard.

She stromed out saying I'd taken over. He then shouted he was going out and would come back when dd was in bed as he couldn't be in the same room as her and me.

Should I have left them to it? Or was I right to help/take over.

OP posts:

Original poster

Borris · 11/10/2017 20:10

I'm not saying she was a drama queen tonight. Just that she csn turn on the tears if she doesn't get her own way

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 11/10/2017 20:10

Is his really big on a united front (which is normal) or everyone following him

And yes your first words were really distressed you knew, you didnt step in because you were scared of how he would respond that is not normal

NoSquirrels · 11/10/2017 20:46

Is his really big on a united front (which is normal) or everyone following him?

I don't know in this case, haven't read the other threads, but it is a fine line sometimes, isn't it? My DH is big on united front but sometimes I just cannot agree he is handling something well, and if it's making something worse not better I will step in & "undermine" him if he's just insisting on slavish obedience for the sake of it because they've all locked horns and got into a stalemate.

I'm unapologetic about that.

Regularsizedrudy · 11/10/2017 20:53

Fucking hell. Sounds like something she'll be discussing with a therapist in 20 years time.

Maybe83 · 11/10/2017 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

troodiedoo · 11/10/2017 20:58

I'll take @blunts word about your other threads. Please think very seriously about your exit strategy. If you stay with such a monster you are complicit in her abuse. Poor poor girl.

Quartz2208 · 11/10/2017 21:16

Please read through your posts and see how badly it affected her

BitOfANameChange · 11/10/2017 21:17

My Ex was big on the united front. Only, it was about following his lead, not mine.

Ex for many reasons.

EnidButton · 11/10/2017 21:27

Don't call a distressed 6 year old child a drama queen.

EnidButton · 11/10/2017 21:28

*please

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2017 22:12

If you stay with such a monster you are complicit in her abuse

This. It makes you nearly as bad as him. I’m not going to be apologetic if that hurts, because we are talking about children here.

You hid in your room because you were scared of getting involved, so you chose to let your six year old take it, hoping it would stop. You did however then step in when it didn’t.. I’m guessing what’s going on in your home now if he’s back isn’t pleasant.

Let me put it bluntly. Children do not stay children forever. They grow up and they remember. And they will hate you for it. For allowing it. For standing back and letting it happen, for staying with him, knowing.

He is not a stay at home dad. Your children are in school. Unless he now has a job he is simply unemployed whilst you work your arse off to pay for the privilege of keeping him there.

It’s time to step up and take control, for your children’s sake and for your own sake. Speak to women’s aid and a solicitor and get it sorted.💐

Apileofballyhoo · 11/10/2017 22:19

Please don't let this man treat a 6 year old like that. It's not her fault you are afraid of him. And I mean that with the utmost of sympathy and empathy. It's not your fault you are afraid of him either, but it's your choice to allow it go on. She is powerless and she has no choices.

Original poster

Borris · 11/10/2017 23:04

Ok I hear what you say. I was wrong. But I'm so so scared if I leave he'll be made the primary career and I'll end up paying maintenance to him to have her and I'll end up seeing her every other weekend. And then she'll be in an even worse situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Borris · 11/10/2017 23:07

So you say he's not a SAHD but are not-working mothers of school age kids not SAHM? Or would you just class them as unemployed? I'm not defending him. I wish he was working. It'd make my position stronger. But I honestly know he'd go for primary carer.

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 11/10/2017 23:11

He's a controlling fuckwit!

TitaniasCloset · 11/10/2017 23:11

I don't think he would get primary carer. The children would chose to be with you. He sounds awful.

Original poster

Borris · 11/10/2017 23:13

I don't see how he wouldn't seeing as he does the school run each morning and 3 afternoons

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 11/10/2017 23:15

Then you need to get proper legal advice at a minimum it's 50/50 but you do need to start thinking of the process and telling your children it's not ok

Quartz2208 · 11/10/2017 23:16

50/50 would mean no maintenance as well start from thinking that

HerOtherHalf · 11/10/2017 23:22

Sorry, but ithink you are making excuses to try and justify not standing up to him. Have you even taken profesdional advice to understand how likely that scenario is? As a victim of an abuser you have my sympathy but your little girl is being abused too so you need to find the courage to do what you must to protect her.

Original poster

Borris · 11/10/2017 23:26

Ok. I will try and find a time to slip out of work for some legal advice. That seems to be the first step. Is women's aid for the whole of England or is it regional?
How would you even start to explain to dc what is right? I don't even know what is right anymore. Hence why I asked the questions at the start of the thread. If I say stuff to dd in particular she will definitely march up to dh and say "mum says ...". Or is that a good thing?

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JoJoSM2 · 11/10/2017 23:41

Get your daughter out of that situation for a start. I also don't see how any judge would see it appropriate for a child to spend much time with an abusive parent if you split.

At 6 years old, she does need support from an adult with learning. She doesn't even have any learning strategies at that age. And your husband trying to make her feel shit about herself in awful.

Naughty1205 · 11/10/2017 23:49

Stop looking for excuses. I'm sorry but you can deal with the Primary carer issue down the line. You have to leave this utter prick, get strong and support your little girl. The thoughts of my 6 year old being treated like this/ignored when she is bawling crying leaves me cold. Your daughter's not a drama queen. She's a 6 year old trying to express her emotions. Quit procrastinating.

Original poster

Borris · 11/10/2017 23:53

I'm not making excuses and I will get advice.
However my husband obviously doesn't think he is abusive. And most people wouldn't think so either - school governor, pta etc. So how would a judge decide that he's abusive and not that I'm too soft for the dc which I'm sure is how I'd be portrayed. And that it's better for dc to be collected by a childminder until I finish work rather than just by him.
I guess I need to ask a solicitor all these things

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 12/10/2017 07:19

I think as I said you may need to accept and go for 50/50 (removing the need for child maintenance) be the sensible one how he reacts to that will be very telling

It will also give you freedom to do what you want on your time

The key for me is you feel unable to protect her in the relationship so you need to prove to her it's not ok by trying to remove her 50/50 to behin with

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