Reconnecting with adult daughter or son

[Quelto4]

Reading the various posts, I can see that many sever contact with parents for different reasons, the parent might have intentionally hurt them or not given sufficient support for various reasons and hurt their child, however old he or she is. What I ask of you is what does a parent do, who loves and misses them do to make amends. If you tried to find out unsuccessfully before the estrangement and was met with hostility and a refusal to talk, it is very difficult to know what to do without seeming intrusive or an interfering pain. When they estrange themselves and get on with their lives, is is wrong to try to put it right, to make contact, if so how, or is that going to upset the son or daughter
and make things harder for them. Know there are a lot of bad parents out there, also a lot that not intentionally useless but must have got things wrong.

Liberty that’s really interesting. What was your situation and why are you glad you didn’t go Nc now? I honestly think if I lost both parents tomorrow I’d be sad but only due to the lack of answers for the abominable behaviour through out the years. Then the downright awfulness of pretending it didn’t happen when I did try to talk to them about it. I honestly thought I’d have preferred a kick in the teeth than their lies and reluctance to accept they were utterly awful parents.

Being on the other end of this ourselves (with a parent/grandparent we no longer have a relationship with), my response would be to respect their concerns about the reason they no longer have contact with you, acknowledge that you understand why they felt that way (if you don't, get yourself some counseling and sort that out for yourself first), apologise for what you did, and do exactly what they say they need from you to make amends. Importantly, don't try to justify what you've done or halfheartedly apologise, or try to explain what you did, or minimise it. Accept it was wrong and hurtful, say you're sorry, be willing to do absolutely anything that your child says needs to be done to heal the wound and don't make excuses along the way. Give it one shot and if your efforts are rebuffed, drop it and let them get on with their life. I know from personal experience that it's incredibly painful to have someone continue to pop up again and again at every holiday or birthday or some random day because they are feeling needy, to try to make contact, but then to just use it as a platform to justify why they were never wrong to begin with and we need to be more understanding of their feelings and why they did what they did (the issue in question that led to the estrangement involves safeguarding of our daughter, who was intentionally and repeatedly exposed to a child sexual abuser by said grandparent). Usually when someone cuts contact, it's for a damn good reason and it's because you did something awful. You need to own up to it, get some psychological support for yourself so you're ready to make amends and do exactly what that child says you need to do to start the healing process.

I didn't storm off, did not want to accused as an abuser by someone who is very bitter. Whilst not denying that those on here are damaged by their abusive parenting, I don't think that being judgemental and accusatory is nice either, that is very abusive language in itself. What I would say, is that many people have hard times and upbringing and manage to see that although what happened to them wasn't right, not all parents are the same. It is like saying all men are bad because some are violent or all women are nags. It is too sweeping a statement. To let go of bitterness and hate and have a happy life and see people as people not a category would be a step forward. Look at Mandela, after his abuse and wrongful imprisonment he made his life count, others would hated and have wanted revenge.

@Quelto4 do you understand why people on this board would feel sensitive re this question though?

Especially the part about ‘trying to find out why unsuccessfully’?

One thing that characterises danger for an estranged adult child is the estranged parent ‘not understanding’ why when they know that they have been told repeatedly over many years why and have only come to NC because the parent does not listen/respect them.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but your last post illustrates the problem.

Why do you think people are bitter? I don't hear bitterness is people's posts. There is some good advice.

In my situation the person I'm estranged from wants to 'reconnect' as you put it, but only on their terms, and they have behaved worse and worse since I drew a line. I didn't want to be estranged and would gladly have worked with them to resolve the issues but every conversation was about them trying to bully me into accepting their version of the truth which was that I'm a mental wreck and have no friends and should be grateful to them for their concern. They truly believe this and are incredulous that I don't want them in my life. My mental wellbeing is much improved now that I have established some distancefrom this abusive person.

My children do not speak to their father. He has told (and is believed by those he needs to believe) that it is all my doing. It isn't. It's the fact that his needs always came first and he abused their mother. However, those that know him now (because it's not been for long, because they don't live with him, because he's a narc and can put up a great front for short periods) think he was the most amazing father and was abused by me. Funny though, coz it wasn't me that got arrested!

Quelto4, you seem to be missing the point that each situation and each individual is different. You haven't disclosed anything about the situation you would like help with.

You're addressing NC children as a homogenous mass, and when they replied with their own thoughts and experiences you have dismissed them as bitter and abusive.

What do you perceive has gone wrong in the relationship that you're referring to? What did the NC child do or say in the run up to the cut off? What have the parents done to try and understand? And what was the response to that?

I don't think not intending to be "useless" as you put it is an excuse. Many emotionally abusive, dismissive, and controlling parents have such traits as part of their personality, and couldn't change if they tried. Those same parents need to accept that their offspring are entitled to protect themselves from it.

Yes, re the ‘useless’ thing.

It’s something I go round in circles with my siblings over. My parents’ ‘good intentions’ but when they have done so many things that have been incontrovertibly and inexcusably damaging to mine, and on occasion my dc’s, lives ‘good intentions’ don’t really make any difference...

Especially because their ‘good intentions’ based interfering has been predicated on their (insulting to me) beliefs that I am somehow just all wrong and everything I do should be assumed to be wrong and they have a ‘responsibility’ to interfere.

I may be damaged, but I am not bitter. I am sad though..and scared of any more pain. I don't think that I will be the only one.

OP if you are genuinely just trying to help somebody in that situation and it isn't actually you, I would just keep out of it - there is nothing you can do - other than cause more damage and hurt to the people who were forced to go NC in the first place.

I think your posts here give great insight into how you react when people disagree with you . You know nothing about the posters here and yet this is the vitriol that drips from your posts

someone who is very bitter
damaged by their abusive parenting
judgemental and accusatory
very abusive language
bitterness and hate
see people as people not a category

You asked for people's views and they have taken time out of their busy lives to try and help you and this is how you treat them. You don't listen or ask for explanation or clarification, you flounce then come straight back with personal attacks.

I wonder how you / your friend react when your estranged child tells you their concerns?

I realised too late, I had posted on the wrong thread, sorry about that. This one is for victims of abuse, something worthwhile for those of you who had childhoods ruined by bad parenting.
I should have posted on estrangement very different things.
Misswillmottghost, I have heard of that before, mothers in denial about abuse going on by a family member, sometimes husband. These mothers really believe it can't be happening, what child would make that up, to suffer abuse and not have the one parent who should be there for you is hard to fathom, can't bear to think what a lonely place you must have been in. Hope you can put it behind you as much as you
can, , don't let them win, be happy and make your children happy. These things have a way if coming to light, how will she feel then?

X-posted with you Op - but wtf does Mandela have to do with it?

You don't seem to understand that it's not about bitterness, or punishing somebody, or not moving on. It's the opposite, it is all about moving on and having a happy life - but when you have grown up with abuse you sometimes have to choose to leave those people behind to enable you to do that.

You have no right whatsoever to try and stir up this person's life.

I'm LC with my DM.
I don't ask to speak her, I wait for her to come to me and then do the nod, smile, more tea? type conversations with her that keep her at arm's length. I send birthday and Xmas greetings and discharge as many duties as I can from a distance. We chat 6-8 times a year.

I think it probably upsets her that I "grey rock" her. But I'm not really sure what else I am supposed to do. She's spent her life making choices that hurt, disadvantage, even devastate me. I've confronted her once or twice, very gently, and she dissolves into tears and accusations and self hatred, she will say anything she has to say to get me to shut up and just keep taking care of her.

She had a dreadfully abusive childhood and I know that's probably why she is the way she is. But I can't help her with that - I tried, the more one tries to help, the worse it gets. And eventually it became clear to me that I was draining off my energy to her, at the expense of my DC. Just couldn't do it anymore in good conscience.

What would it take for me to go to normal contact? She would need to start to:
Ask me how I am.
When I reply, actually listen, show care. The last time I told her how I was feeling, during a time of extreme pain for me, she visibly stiffened and changed the subject. Times before that, she'd interrupt to ask me why I hadn't xyz, did I try abc, etc. while ignoring my anguish. Painful.

For her to become a grown up, who participates in life with me.

None of these things are going to happen. DM doesn't even know that she could be different - she is a mess of blind spots and denial.

I often see the undertone in threads like these of, "well I was just a bit useless, I didn't know any better, why is my child so angry with me for just being human?"

The thing is though that sometimes, in "just being human" you may have absolutely broken your DC's heart. The fact that you didn't mean to doesn't mean anything. Their heart is still broken, they still feel like running away when they are near you, what is the DC supposed to do? Sacrifice their mental health for a parent who was too "useless" to notice they were doing a terrible job? It is such a rock and a hard place for the DC.

I think you have to ask WHY?
If you are given an answer, whether you understand it, or agree with it,
you must accept it as that is what matters/hurts/is the reason for NC to the adult child.
And then apologise.
And offer to be in their life on their terms.
And wait and see.

It’s not that you shouldn’t post. Simply that you should be aware that this is a place where a lot of the posters have gone NC/LC with their parents after years and years of damage caused deep in their psyche and that people are obviously going to respond to ‘what should I do to make it better?’ without any details at all being given about what actually happened with ‘nothing, respect what the adult child wants’.

It’s about you getting arsey about people replying in that entirely predictable way.

I feel it is unlikely that an estranged parent I would not have any clue what is behind the estrangement TBH and the ones who say things like ‘I don’t know what i’m meant to have done’ and ‘I just want to find out why’ are the ones who actually just don’t listen to what they have been told over and over again.

In fact one of the main things is that posters come here with problems with their relationships with partners and often discover for the first time or gain a new understanding that the problems initially began with their toxic childhood which hurt their ability to form healthy adult relationships...

OP- Please do not write and send cards to an estranged child. That’s terrible advice and if it happened to me, Id ask the police to warn you off.
Estranged children aren’t bitter. They are sometimes sad when they see grandparents and children getting along in real life but then they remind themselves that they are doing themselves, their partner and kids a favour. I don’t feel bitter. I feel relief. A huge weight off my mind. My mother made me feel like a big fat zero and still would if she saw me today. I’m free and it’s bloody great.

Op you came here looking for advise/answers. The only way to achieve this is to have an open and honest discussion.

I am LC with my dad and when we get close to talking honestly he will start pontificating about the actions of others and model behaviour like Mandela and all sorts of irrelevant rubbish to deflect from the situation

If you want useful discussion here, you need to open up and start giving honest information. And focus on your behaviour and actions. You can only change your behaviour and actions, not someone else's

I'm not bitter either.

I'm sad that this was the only way of retaining my sanity. I'm sad that I don't have a mum and my children don't have a grandma. I'm sad that she couldn't love me. I pity her that, despite my best efforts, I wasn't able to help her see another way of conducting our relationship...

But I'm not bitter.

No, i’m not bitter either. As I said upthread I don’t even want admission or apology. I don’t even want to go over the past. I accept that they see the world differently to me.

I am;

• stressed by the pressure of having to safeguard myself and my kids from my own parents.

• sad that I don’t have parents in the conventional understanding of the word.

• I feel vulnerable because I know that when i’m In difficulty I know I don’t have parents to fall back on or that if I have no option but to fall back on them there will be a massive emotional cost to wade through at my most vulnerable time.

• I’m determined to do better for my own children.

Good post Offred. I can identify with that.