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Original poster

Reconnecting with adult daughter or son

78 replies

Quelto4 · 11/10/2017 06:37

Reading the various posts, I can see that many sever contact with parents for different reasons, the parent might have intentionally hurt them or not given sufficient support for various reasons and hurt their child, however old he or she is. What I ask of you is what does a parent do, who loves and misses them do to make amends. If you tried to find out unsuccessfully before the estrangement and was met with hostility and a refusal to talk, it is very difficult to know what to do without seeming intrusive or an interfering pain. When they estrange themselves and get on with their lives, is is wrong to try to put it right, to make contact, if so how, or is that going to upset the son or daughter
and make things harder for them. Know there are a lot of bad parents out there, also a lot that not intentionally useless but must have got things wrong.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 11/10/2017 08:27

There are so many possible scenarios so no straight answers. Some relationships can be stifling or damaging without any 'obvious' abuse and sometimes the only thing the adult can do is walk away. Favouritism for example. Or trying to dictate the child's future. Or trying to get the child to take sides against another parent.

Obviously we don't know what your situation is but my advice is to respect the child's boundaries and desire for distance.

Keep the door open. Don't pressurise.

If you get told 'why' listen to what you are told and don't dismiss it or counter it with accusations of your own.

Some young adults do just embrace life beyond the family home and don't think much about staying in touch.

Ellisandra · 11/10/2017 08:31

Oh and as you say it's not your child...
You also need to google "flying monkeys" as that's what you might be being used as.

Mama234 · 11/10/2017 08:35

It totally depends on the situation, I honestly don't believe a child cuts off contact with their parent through no fault of the parent so if you do want to contact them you should admit any thing wrong that you did and promise that you wont do that again then leave the ball in their court as to whether they want contact with you.

Flowerfae · 11/10/2017 08:42

I hadn't seen my dad for many years (since I was little) I did manage to get back in touch with him a few years back but he's not bothered really, I kept trying to arrange to meet up with him but it was just excuse after excuse why he couldn't do it. I've given up chasing him but he knows where I live and my phone number if he wants to get in touch.

BaconAndBees · 11/10/2017 08:47

Someone said something you dislike and you got very defensive and stormed off.

This ^

eyebrowsonfleek · 11/10/2017 08:57

I find myself nodding along here.

I am NC with my emotionally and physically abusive mother and enabler father. While it’s not stretch of the imagination why I avoid mum, I’ve had people tell me that my treatment of my dad is cruel as he hasn’t done anything. Could it be possible that the parent enabled the abuser by doing nothing?

I’ve never sat down and discussed my NC with my parents. My mum would not hear a word I’d said, never mind apologise or change her ways and my Dad is very matter of fact about my mother’s abusive and would never leave. If they contacted me then I’d log it with the police. I’ve not contacted them in 20 years so pretty clear that I’m not interested.

Sometimes the child is at fault or they drift apart. My Dad has a very disadvantaged background and stopped talking to his family as they couldn’t understand why he’d move to London and do a degree etc He spoke about having nothing in common with them and being an expat gave him a reason not to bother.

PolkaDottyRose · 11/10/2017 09:14

I am NC with one parent. The other parent was highly abusive towards me (no longer alive), the NC parent "doesn't know" about the abuse as I could never tell them. My general demeanour (a direct result of the abuse) was unacceptable to remaining parent and they were critical of me, at points downright cruel about it. I could not cope with that and so stopped contact. It would be impossible for me to tell them as it would open up such a can of worms that I don't think I could cope with going through that again. Neither can I handle the unwarranted and unfair critcism. It's an awful situation, with no winners.

PolkaDottyRose · 11/10/2017 09:32

I should add that to outsiders, other family members I must seem really horrible and cruel. I accept that, with sadness. None of them know about the abuse either.

springydaffs · 11/10/2017 09:36

I despair about this topic. I really do.

ladystarkers · 11/10/2017 09:39

As a NC child. I want my parents to leave me aline to get on with my life. Hth

ladystarkers · 11/10/2017 09:44

I hear you Polka

Vitalogy · 11/10/2017 09:52

OP, self reflection, one of the most important lessons to learn in life.

Offred · 11/10/2017 09:53

This is going to upset people who have come to the very difficult and very well thought out (over a very long period) decision to cut their parents out of their lives.

When this happens it is because the adult child has, eventually, after a really long period of suffering, decided that they cannot survive and/or thrive whilst having contact with their parent.

They have usually spent a number of years desperately trying to have contact, make things ok, tell their parent how they feel and ultimately come to the conclusion that actually the relationship is just too dysfunctional and a choice has to be made between their wellbeing and a relationship with their parents.

Even if it is the child who is dysfunctional and not the parent or the relationship between the two and not either person, the choice the adult child has made to cut contact is still one between their own wellbeing (as perceived by them) and a relationship with their parent.

So I guess the question for you is do you care more about your adult child’s wellbeing or about you having contact with them?

MyLittleDragon · 11/10/2017 09:55

I would:

Send Birthday and Christmas cards without fail even if you don't get a response at all.

Write a letter acknowledging anything you did wrong/should have done better, without excuses or self pity. There may well be good reasons but the apology is not the place to put them, as it seemingly undermines the apology/responsibility.

Occasionally send a note/postcard saying you love and miss them and if they would ever like to talk, here's your number.

MyLittleDragon · 11/10/2017 09:58

Further to my post: if you were abusive or violent then you can maybe send a letter once (purely as it might help the child to come to terms rather than for reinstating contact purposes) but respect the child's right to NC thereafter.

user1471449805 · 11/10/2017 09:59

Yes, because nothing says 'I love and respect you' than random bombshells throughout the year, destroying what little stability has been created.

I would back the fuck off until, if ever, they are willing to contact you.

Offred · 11/10/2017 10:02

Yes, because nothing says 'I love and respect you' than random bombshells throughout the year, destroying what little stability has been created.

Completely agree with this^

What someone who has cut contact deliberately by choice needs is to feel their choice has been respected.

Letters and cards are intrusive and TBH for many people would not demonstrate love but exactly the reasons why they have cut contact in the first place.

thegreylady · 11/10/2017 10:05

After 11 years of estrangement from dsd we still don't know what we did. She visited from abroad when I was near the end of chemotherapy and not at my best. She didn't want to stay with us though we had paid air fares for her, her dh and their baby. When she arrived she was angry and combative from the start and only stayed one night before getting a friend to pick her up. She has refused any direct communication ever since. We have sent cards, letters, gifts without acknowledgement.
We know from one of her brothers that she is ok but will not discuss us at all.
My dh, her father mourns the lack of any relationship with his only daughter. He is 81 now and I am beginning to hate her for the distress she is causing. I want to change our wills so that her ds inherits her share but dh doesn't as,"She will always be my daughter."

Myrobalanna · 11/10/2017 10:06

I'm going to answer the OP question because whilst I haven't severed contact, I might as well have done for all my mother is involved in my life. It wouldn't take much for me to do it and my other sibling has done it.

I would ask of her that she:

  1. Admits to past lies
  1. Apologises for her behaviour around the time my parents split and emphatically manages to do this without demeaning my father, or making it all about her. That would refer back to point 1 also.
  1. Explains why she felt it was all right to abandon two small children - it may have been that she had MH issues but I have never heard her acknowledge this, see point 2.
  1. Explains why she has consistently removed herself physically from her children's lives even when they were willing to have a relationship.
  1. Explains why she finds it difficult to put the time in to ask more than a cursory question about her grandchildren, and why she never visits them. (Yet provides childcare for her step-grandchildren.)
  1. Stops liking and commenting on posts on my business Facebook page and telling me she has done this as if it matters to me. It infuriates me beyond belief that she considers that a substitute for a relationship.

Basically I want my mother to be an adult person who has agency and an understanding of how her actions have affected others. I know I cannot force this so it's better for my family and for me that the relationship is kept at a minimum.

People who go NC generally consider it's better for them and their families that the person isn't in their life. It might be unfair and due to mental health issues - but the choice still deserves respect even if it hurts the one who's cut off.

thegreylady · 11/10/2017 10:08

There was never any violence or abuse of any sort. The marriage ended when dh' exw had a new relationship and, subsequently, another daughter. Dsd has a sporadic relationship with her mother.

Offred · 11/10/2017 10:20

I am LC not NC too it would be;

  1. My dad have some counselling to help him manage his explosive temper.
  1. My dad demonstrate that he is managing his temper as an adult.
  1. My mum stop undermining me as a parent all the time.
  1. My mum accept that my daughter has ASD and implement some of the suggestions I have made re managing her.
  1. They both respect me as a competent adult who has a life that is different to their lives and that my way of doing things is not less valid than theirs, just different (because I am different and i’ve had a different life).
  1. If they don’t understand why I am doing something or thinking something they talk to me about it respectfully and stop immediately jumping to the assumption that whatever I am doing is bad and that they need to intervene and interfere to stop me messing things up.

I don’t want massive apologies or going over our very different recollections of things that have happened in the past. It is fine that they have their recollections and I have my own different recollections. I just want them to essentially demonstrate they respect me and stop interfering!

Dobbyandme · 11/10/2017 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mustang27 · 11/10/2017 11:15

Wow grey!!! Doesn’t sound like your dsd gives a shit about her inheritance what a shallow thing to say. Trust me if I had any money due to me from either parent my brother would be welcome to it. My parents are very good at playing the wounded ones and many would be sucked into their “we are just lovely” act.

If you don’t know what has been said or done to make her feel this way fair enough but Christ respect that she is an adult and has made this decision and it’s highly unlikely it was a decision she made lightly. So hating her is just a complete waste of your time.

BaconAndBees · 11/10/2017 11:27

greylady

I want to change our wills so that her ds inherits her share but dh doesn't as,"She will always be my daughter." Yeah, that's a perfectly normal response - I can't understand why your DSD is NC either HmmHmm

LibertyHill · 11/10/2017 11:43

The person who done the cutting off should be the person who decides whether they want to try and reconnect or not. I know if I had made the decision I would view letters as that person refusing to accept my wishes and effectively trying to get their own way.

I didn't go NC in the end, although I had plenty of reasons to do so, and I'm glad I didn't.