Again thank you for such thoughtful replies, I feel like such an immature lost soul at the moment and you taking the time to try and help me see the wood from the trees is something I am so grateful for. I’ve read every word and reflecting on it all. I know nobody can tell me what to do but your thoughts are so helpful, thank you so much. 
Bertie absolutely excellent article thank you so much for that - and your wise words too. Hipster too, thank you so much for helping me.
Sounding off here is so useful and such a godsend at the mo. I just feel so very sad at my lack of gut feeling, my lack of opinion, or lack of faith in any glimmer of any judgement I might start to feel because I’ve got things so wrong in the past. Being in the eye of the storm as someone described it is spot on, no headspace to get clarity.
I feel if I let him go I could be making a huge mistake that I will sorely regret, I do feel very sad to think he might not be part of my life, he’s so deeply involved in it. Overall though I’m a bit stuck on the fact that I don’t actually find him overly attractive - and that makes me feel horribly shallow (yet we have good sex, I really can’t work that one out). My ex was extremely good looking (I’m quite a visual person!) but Christ look where that got me. So my judgement there is very warped.
I definitely feel, as someone mentioned, I went from an abuser to a saver. In the beginning I found his strong and positive qualities, that were so opposite to my ex, so highly attractive. Now his constant need to improve my life with his advice is just doing my head in but I know he means well.
Regards his depression he did say very early on in the relationship that he was coming out of a bout of depression and given my ex’s past felt it was only fair I knew. But he said he’d only been depressed on 3 occasions in his life. I was so keen for it to work, I ignored the nagging doubt (red flag!) it gave me. He has also always been quite a heavy drinker which has bothered me, but after a recent chat, he has cut down drastically this past month. I maybe need to understand what has triggered this bout of depression. I just don’t know I can go there again but feel bad as he did tell me in the beginning. And he really isn’t like my ex. His mental health was very poor but he did nothing to look after himself or improve it, also attempted suicide.
At the beginning I acknowledged I didn’t really fancy him but found his values and qualities extremely attractive instead and I suppose I was hoping that was enough. He does all the stereotypical boyfriend things very well, treats, time away together, thoughtful gifts, he does have good qualities and it hurts me so much that I’m making him feel so bad about himself. I’ve said I’m not sure and he said he’ll give me time to think. But he’s totally blaming himself. That’s just not right or fair on him. He’s being mature and saying if I want to be with him, we’ll find a way to work through whatever problems there are, but if I don’t, he’ll walk away. And sometime I just think I don’t be fancy him enough!!
We both lead such busy lives, working, raising children, when we do see each other, it’s like we exist in a little bubble. I find it so hard fitting everything in.
Chip if you’re still reading, do you have a definite feeling you want to end things?
All I know is if it does finish, I need to do some serious work on myself. Can’t go through life hurting people.
Not really expecting anyone to wade through all this but it is helping me for sure!