Can we survive his emotional affair

[Vivienne547]

I'm not the kind of person who posts but I can't quite find a thread that may help me.
For a few months my DH appeared to be distant he had always been very affectionate towards me. When asked he said everything was fine. After a while I decided to try and rekindle deep intimacy. He still appeared distant. He had new work colleagues one young girl who works for him and one make more his age. He became obsessed with every message sent within their group laughing out loud to every innapropriate message. I said nothing as I trusted him and hoped he would realise that it was not appropriate with the young girl. He seemed to reach this point and said he'd noticed one of the group restrained from posting and asked me my thoughts. So I calmly told him I thought it was unprofessional and not appropriate. He partially agreed. I thought that was the end. But as he grew distant and stopped sharing these posts I ended looking at his phone. I thought I'd find the group chat still going, but instead I found a private thread with this girl 15 years younger. It's hard to explain there was no emotional messages, though once he called her honey, but memes about innuendos. Their conversation was more about food and drink and what they did at the weekend. But he'd filmed her dancing around stupidly in the office, selfies together, her wrapped up in tissue. Anyway, I confronted him and he admitted it was inappropriate but then said he'd not felt we'd been close for 2 years. Worse in last year. To cut a long story short I'm all over the place. He said there's no emotion with this girl but he Like's her personality and it's the first time in years he's worked with a group of people he can have a laugh with. He only hired her 6 months ago. He says he loves me, that he needs intimacy otherwise the little things don't matter as much. I apologised and said I didn't know and that he should have been brave enough to tell me. I'm trying to bring that closeness back as he said that's all he wants. But I feel like his love us still closed off from me, like he's trying but that deep affection is not there. Can anyone help sort my emotions and give me hope it will be ok? I feel determined then lost, angry then hurt, fight then flight, one minute I want to leave then all I want is for us to get past this.

Thank you Coyote! I am still very hurt and still feel very, very insecure, but at least I'm not the mess I was 8 weeks ago...

OP- I forgot to add that I was sharing my story to hold your hand and let you know that you're not alone... part of my enormous sadness is that I am grieving the loss of the man I thought I'd married - a man who would never lie. But he did, repeatedly, by omission, but they are still lies.

It seems to me that your H is at the stage mine was 8 weeks ago- in huge denial and also very bitter because his little cute conversations have been discovered and the horrible wife is not happy with the fab banter we're having... I exploded once when he was "having a nap" and I went upstairs with some shirts I had ironed for him and I saw him all flushed, smiling like an idiot, phone in hand. I threw the shirts on the floor and I told him that enough was enough- that he was going to respect me, our children and our marriage or he could get out. He was very serious and distant for a couple of days but started to come round after that and it really has improved since then. So hang in there, there is hope. Someone here has given great advice about giving it 6 months and then re-assess. That is what I'm doing. In the meantime, I have copies of all financial documents, marriage certificate and printouts to prove an affair /unreasonable behaviour in a folder, ready to go if needed.

I really, really hope things improve for you too.

Ellensia and all. I am really sorry I have not responded. My account was suspended as it was reported as not genuine. I just want to say I am very sorry if I appear that way I can only state that I genuinely was seeking some help with what I've been going through.
I was totally lost and spiralling to the point that yesterday I thought I was about to have a full breakdown. Not having access to this site unfortunately did make it worse as I had nowhere to reach out to.
I truly am thankful for everyone's input, I started to feel stronger and angrier, which reduced some of the anguish.
Ellenisia- your story sounds as heart breaking as I felt. It was so nice to get to the end and see you getting through it I admire your strength and hope it continues to flourish x

This happened to me, we recovered but it was hard. When I found out I was very very angry. My DH initially blamed the lack of intimacy, my view was that any existing problems in our marriage were down to both of us and were obviously not going to be improved by him having a relationship with another woman.

I think we got through it because he pretty much straight away accepted responsibility, and was genuinely devastated about how much he'd hurt me. He also agreed that any further communication between him and this girl would be professional only and he would minimise this as much as possible and he started looking for a new job and eventually left.

I'm sorry OP I don't think he's just going to stop of his own accord.I think you need to give him an ultimatum. Good luck , you're worth more than this

Doowappydoo I wish he would leave his job, but he's well thought of and he obviously likes this girl. I genuinely don't think he sees it as bad as I do. It's funny because I have male friends that are totally platonic, known them for years, I can understand that people of opposite sex can be friends I think it's how it happened as well. If I'd have found the messages and confronted and he admitted it was innapropriate and that's It, I'd have been angry. But to hit me with the ' actually we have a bit of a problem' sent me into this spiral of thinking so it's more then.. I talked to him last night and asked if he got more fun out of these messages than when I message, and if this fun was projecting bad thoughts about us, he said no. He knows we have something different and more, he's not looking for us to go back to the beginning just to make time for each other...

This is a big shock and you may find your feelings all over the place until you settle on a decision. You don't need to decide now. That said, in my experience being understanding doesn't really help. You need to work out your limits and make him realise you might leave him over this. Can you go away for a bit?

I can't see anything about your posts that would seem in-genuine...and im sorry if not being able to access the thread made you feel worse-that's not what you needed.

Neither can I why would someone report this?? Its not as if its far fetched or anything. I can see why some of the more 'far fetched' ones that seem to have serious flaws in the story 'may' get reported like for instance the pearl necklace one--but not this one.

Choosegopse I'm very much up and down at the moment. One minute I feel we can build something better now I know we are vulnerable and he seems ok, the next he seems distant or anything small he does I look at in a different way than before and makes me wonder if it's connected to her and I feel upset. I don't want to be to accommodating but I seem to go into deep turmoil if I try to be 'tougher and he just clams up. Rock and a hard place.

Not sure what people reported about the thread, but they said people were twitchy over the posts so I can only assume it upset a few people. So I am really sorry if it did.

Thanks nigelsbigface I was really upset not being able to login, I could google the thread but not access it and it took days before they told me why. It also was upsetting because others shared some of their stories and I couldn't reply so I felt like I must have looked selfish...

OP - you comment about her behaviour being inappropriate. It is your husband and her boss who is the inappropriate and disgusting sleaze. Once an emotional affair has begun it usually only goes one way. As other pps have suggested do read some of the infidelity threads and websites. You will quickly see that there is a common thread of minimise and denial.

Personally I had more self-respect and was not prepared to remain in a marriage with a liar and a cheat. I have strong values of honesty and integrity and couldnt have stood for being intimate again with someone who didnt share those values. (Of course I know that people make mistakes - upthread pps have described situations where their other half really caught themselves just in time, but I think that is unusual).

It's that drip drip wondering about every thing he does that eats away at you op... it's like a sort of purgatory living like that. I'm sorry thats how you are feeling, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Thing is you've told
Him you aren't happy with it-and his reaction seems to have been to brush it off it seems to me-I'm not sure that that in itself is ok.
If my boyfriend said to me ' you are doing x and it's really upsetting me' I don't think I would be able to say 'well you're wrong and I'm going to carry on doing it' and that would be that. I'd be either very annoyed at being wrongly accused if there was nothing in it, or very upset that I had done something that had hurt him and I'd want to make amends. your h doesn't seem to be taking either of those paths and that leaves you in limbo to make a decision on something you don't fully understand.
Don't underrate your spidery senses though. You have lived with him for how many years, your subconscious is telling you something is awry even if your logical
Mind says it might all be alright.

OP I think his response to you finding the messages is classic deflection and manipulation. Instead of accepting he's behaved horribly and dealing with your completely justified hurt and anger he's got you questioning yourself and apologising to him. No wonder you feel utterly confused.

How is this going to work going forwards? You will feel completely insecure with the constant spectre of this other relationship hanging over you. If you have a bad day at work and come home grumpy or you snap at him because you're tired or you don't want to have sex aren't you going to be constantly worried that he'll use it as an excuse to go elsewhere?

I think you need some time away to get your head straight, I don't think you can do that with him around. Can you go away for a few days? I also think you need to speak to someone (possibly a counsellor ) to work out what you want and how you really feel.

Hi Vivienne, my DH started off having an emotional affair and like your DH he was a decent man, now his morals are all gone, I've given him a chance but he's taken things further and is not the man I knew, his whole behaviour has changed. Like you say I think he wants to be young again and is chasing a dream it's incredibly painful and very very sad. We are now separate but part of me still wants him and hopes its a blip. I don't know what will happen next. My advice? I really don't know , I've tried being emotional, being distant- none of it matters when they are in the grip of this madness. They will make up their own minds in the end , they are unable to see anyone else's point of view and find excuses to justify every single thing they say or do. You can not reason with them. Sorry, not much use to you but you are not alone. Hope it works out for you X

So, from his side it's an emotional affair with a junior member of staff he hired.

Wonder what her take is on it?

Your DP has ignored boundaries, lied, minimised and blamed. He is showing no remorse and is continuing this emotional relationship. Don't give him an ultimatum, just pack a bag for him and tell him to leave. He needs to know what he might be losing. (note - he would lose you, not vice versa) He can come back when he's ready to work on YOUR relationship.
It is not your fault. You deserve better.

I can’t help wondering if the female staff member will actually want him if you kick him out? And if she did take him on would it last?
They both must know that their ongoing flirting is not really ok as he is a married man. They both must know he is risking his marriage. Though who knows what he has implied to her.
I think getting your ducks in a row is your next move OP, so you speak from a knowledgeable position of what the future might be not a needy, anxious one. Iin the hope he listens more to what you have to say and stops pushing responsibility for his behaviour onto you.