I've been lied to about the cost

[catsanddogsfightless]

DH had some car repairs done to his absolute pride and joy. We're not talking a standard runaround car here. I knew the repairs were likely to be costly and I asked approx how much on the day he collected the car.I asked him what does the bill total start with? DH told me it was a lot.I said 'yes I know, but what number does it start with'? He said 'a 4'. We are talking thousands. I accepted that and thought oh well it isn't like he spends that very often and hopefully there'll be no more of that. A couple of days ago I went peering through statements and invoices when he was out. There is no way I expected to see what I did. The total invoices added up to more than twice the figure he admitted to. WWYD? The invoices were very very well filed and put away in a folder inside a cupboard that is actually used for DH's clothes. I would not have seen any of them by accident.

How that the heck can you miss a £6000 black hole in your finances?

That alone would be enough to ltb

Well, with many couples, the earnings would go into a joint pot, and the mortgage/bills/holidays would be paid from there. Both would also get an equal amount of spending money.

In my case, we have separate accounts. Husband earns more so he contributes more to the joint account and savings account. The rest of our money is to spend/save as we wish.

Are you paying half of mortgage/bills? That would be very unfair.

If he can't take the pets to his M's, then he is trying to scare you into not leaving. Don't him do it. It will work out. Just take one step a time. Get papers ready, see a solicitor.

This is the sort of thing relationship counselling is for. This isn't about the car, money, or the OM. It's about how you two relate to each other and trust/intimacy/fears of abandonment that probably pre-date the two of you getting together.

You clearly both want to stay together, or one of you would have left. But you're not doing a very good job of being together.

Are you near London? The Tavistock is good. I don't rate Relate.

I need him to put me first.
I want him to put me first.

He loves the house and the fact that is worth £ on the market.

I only want a warm cosy bed and my husband to make me feel loved and appreciated and welcomed.

The affair I had was 7 years ago and the marriage has been rocky for about the last 8 years. We went through unexplained fertility and I needed to let my emotions out and he wanted my emotions kept in and told me I was attention seeking and that it was not that big a deal as lots of people suffer miscarriages and losses of babies during pregnancy and birth and that not falling pregnant through IVFs was not as bad a a miscarriage. A close family member suffered repeated miscarriages whilst me and DH were having our IVF treatments and I was always told that their loss was proper loss and ours was that you can't grieve for what you have never had. That is really hurtful. that was the killer punch

Then split up.

You have had an awful time. But you also cheated. I couldnt makr dh feel loved and wanted if he had an affair. Which is why i said you should have ended the marriage then.

He probably feels the same. He has told you as much.

I very much doubt, given the avilavle information that you have been perfect. Apart from the affair.

Its toxic and its making you miserable.

Ok so you've answered your own questions

It's not working, you two would be better off

Op I don't know if he doesn't want you, I am assuming he would have left by now if he didn't want you.

He doesn't appear to be able to get past what happened. The lack of trust in your marriage is eroding away at any lingering love between you. The house is the perfect example of what is left of your relationship, it is on breeze blocks, unfinished and unsatisfactory. Neither of you can move on for whatever reason. I can't think of any reason why you should keep wasting more years like this. For the sake of you both either go to relate or call it a day. You sound so deeply unhappy.

Sounds like the trust has gone on both sides, and that your relationship has descended into a power struggle.

Awful that he lied to you, and hid the true cost of the car - but that said, I wouldn't mind my DH spending that on a car if it was his pride and joy. But - he wouldn't hide it from me, and he wouldn't then tell me we can't afford a weekend away (or whatever). ie. he wouldn't spend cash on himself, and then refuse to spend it on something I wanted.

It does sound like he's withdrawn from you - you crave his affection/attention - and he's withholding it. Possibly as a result of the affair. It's not a good place to be in a relationship.

Oh OP

Clearly you have lots of unresolved feelings about the infertility, and your husband was emotionally unavailable. He also belittled your feelings. I'm not surprised you sought solace elsewhere.

A man that can spend £10k on his car and lie to you about it does not love you. You're waking up to this now. Don't let him steal more of your precious years xxx

We split finances from day one of our marriage because he passed the responsibility of organising housey stuff to me as he could not be bothered to make phone calls and at the time ( 18 years ago) there was hardly any mobile phones (only for yuppies) and practically nobody used email. That is how old I am! and he would deal with covering the mortgage sum and he moves that sum into the joint account just before the Direct Debit goes out. He has never ever not moved the money over. We have always managed our salaries and outgoings separately. It just stayed that way. It kindof worked out like that. Then a couple of months ago we argued and he said that he was helping out his brother and sister financially because they both needed financial help. I did not get involved and i am told that they are all square now. I sat working out what he earns and what I earn and what I pay out and what he pays out to my knowledge and it hit me that he has a lot of 'spare' money somewhere and where is it? I wish I had not snooped. I won;t be saying anything to him. He spent it. It's gone. He knows to the penny what savings are in an ISA account in my sole name. He knows that sum is ours not mine.

I am sitting a work crying over my desk alone and miserable.

I have to find the strength to end this marriage. Or the other option is that we sit down and write a list of the priorities in our lives. If I am not his priority then I will see the end is here. I would do anything he asks. I have actually said that to him. But he still says i feel second best to the OM. DH doe snot want to go to marriage counselling. i asked and he said no.I could go on my own. I have been to the cinema on my own recently and I also went to a West End show on my own because we'd argued and he made it clear he didn't feel like going. it was a few hours beforehand and I'd really been looking forward to the show that I had already bought tickets for a couple of weeks before. I was nervous about going on my own and I did it.Once I was there in the dark I could almost forgot the vacant seat next to me.

If he can find 10k to spend on a car, can you not pay for a someone to come and finish the bedroom and hall? Don't wait for him to fix it. If the house needs to be sold then it needs doing. If you stay it still needs doing.

I can't take any paid time off work as I';ve used it up but I could take time off unpaid. DH works shifts and gets days off in the week but I think he would refuse to let a builder/decorator into the house if he gets wind of the situation and then they'll be walking into the middle of a domestic row. Not a scenario that fill ms with any pleasure. DH wants to do everything his way and to absolute perfection every time. He is very very fussy. I have asked DH to buy my share of the house and let me have some money to start new life, he shrugs his shoulders at me and says 'do what you want to do' but I can't make his application to our mortgage company. He needs to do that himself. The phone call he'll never make. I could get the house valued by an estate agent if can work out when he won't be there but he keeps his work rota on his mobile phone and I do not know the pin code.

This is why he frustrates me so much. He is being passive over our relationship. He says I get cross and emotional. Yes I flipping do get emotional cos he can be like talking to a brick wall. I have no wish to see him suffer. I want him to be happy. I want me to be happy.

Sounds like everything he does is a way to keep punishing you. It won't stop.

Honestly, cats, you need to find a good couples therapist.

You say that you want to find the strength to leave but there is way more going on here. I'd be willing to put a tenner on you not being able to either find the strength to leave or the love and trust to be happy within the relationship without some kind of counselling.

Try and find someone really good. Again, I'll say that Relate is just too hit and miss to help you with this.

I don't think you can take the moral high ground re secrets and telling lies when you cheated. As the relationship stands now and from what you've said it doesn't sound as if it's going to get a lot better. Maybe it's time to call it a day. Unless you are both willing to make a huge effort.

I'm sad to say this, but I think you need to visit a family law solicitor recommended, if possible, by a divorced friend (make sure they are on the Resolution list) just to find out what your position is.

I'm so sorry to hear all this OP. Infertility is devastating and can destroy relationships. It sounds as though that happened to the two of you.

It may be worth asking him to attend counselling. Even if all that achieves is a more amicable split, at least you will know that you tried. If he's not willing to do that, then I think you know the marriage is absolutely dead. It doesn't sound like he will, but at least you will know you tried.

This is so hard and I am so sad for you - both of you, really.

You say that you want to find the strength to leave but there is way more going on here. I'd be willing to put a tenner on you not being able to either find the strength to leave or the love and trust to be happy within the relationship without some kind of counselling. Seconded. He may not be on board if you try couples counselling, but you need independent either way, I think.

The more you post, the more it sounds that he is emotionally abusive. I don't think going to relationship counselling with someone abusive is a good idea. I think counselling would be a good idea, but for you alone.

If you file for divorce, then the house has to be sold. He can't be passive about it long term.

Don't make list of priorities with him. If he sees you're serious about leavibg, he may be willing to tell you anything you want to hear but not actually change.

And stash that savings away in an account that he doesn't know about. Your savings are not his and yours, it's just yours.

To add to the mix I work in a legal office but I don't deal with divorce or separation. A colleague has advised me not to try to be clever and hide any money. It all gets disclosed on the Form E matrimonial assets and liabilities forms.

I may have cheated on my DH years ago but I am honest with money and finances and I genuinely thought DH had moved on until the last 6 months occurred. Now I know he did not move on emotionally.

I 'paid' for the last of our IVFs out of my salary and savings. He did not directly contribute but he did pay the mortgage every month.

I think he pays for broadband/phone/digital TV package (approx £115 a month) and the mortgage and I pay for everything else including food and utilities etc. He pays for his own petrol but that is probably about £15-20 a month. I don't know how much he lent to his DB and his DS. Perhaps he is still helping them with money. He hasn't said he is. If we separate he'd has to provide bank statements and then i might know a bit more. It is so not about the money. I earn just about enough to cope alone. It will mean sacrifices but i can manage it. I know I can. I'll make it work. Even If I live of soup and Sunday dinners at my parents place. they would not see me hungry. I'll move approx 5 miles way from where I currently live as flats there are cheaper and I would want a ground floor so I can have my pets with me. I need pets. I just do.

u dont know his rota? so he wont tell u when hes going to work

is that coz of the cheating perhaps? doesnt look like hes got over it and is staying with u either out of familiarity or hes punishing u

He hasn't forgiven you and probably never will. Best to leave I think. It's not going to get better.

Oh FFS - I had a whole response types out then lost it.

Key points, sorry for bluntness and brevity - marriage is dead.

Need to see a family lawyer.

He is punishing you - no amount of counselling will ever change this.

Not doing the house up is deliberate because he knows it is important to you.

In light of that, you need to pretend the pets aren't an issue for you. Say you'll miss them, but you are looking forward to getting new cat / dog / parrot for new home.

Take copies of hidden finances.

Is he a police officer?

Hmm...could he be stashing money with his BIL in the guise of helping them out financially?

He has shown himself to be secretive and a liar.

When I say 'stash' your savings, I mean don't let him access them.

I need him to put me first

You had an affair.

He has been lying about money.

You are no good for each other.

No, not a police officer. Works in transport. 22 week rota but swaps with colleagues to do each other favours when one of them want a particular day off. All I know is if he leaves the house before me. And whether he is home when I arrive home. He takes bus to work and keeps his car locked inside the garage that I have no key to. I cannot get into the garage.I did say to him last week I have no key but got no answer from him. I am not insured on his precious motor.

Our boiler is inside the garage so I can't get it serviced.