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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal?

38 replies

Tinkywinkysbag · 09/10/2017 08:00

Please bear with me, I've not posted on here before.

I have been with my partner for about 4 years - although we "aren't together" at the moment (his words) despite him living with me and is intending to get a mortgage - which is fine I don't have a problem with this.

My problem is he thinks it's ok to message/flirt/take numbers from other women because we aren't together and "it's ok because I'm in your bed every night so I wouldn't do anything" and "even if I did something you couldn't say anything because we aren't together" also "you are way too jealous".

I have explained my feelings to him and said if he loves me , which he says he does, he wouldn't do these things out of respect - he said its nothing to do with that as we aren't together.

Additionally, he informed me last night he thinks I'm a cold hearted C**T - admittedly I am not perfect and have said things in the past out of anger etc but I don't genuinely think I'm a bad person - I'm only human at the end of the day.

He also said he won't ever be able to leave me because apparently I would make his life hell so he's stuck with me?!

If I'm honest I'm finding it all very upsetting and not sure what to say or do anymore - if I dare argue back with him or get in a huff he says he will move out etc and I have said for him to do that because our toddler behAves better than he does but I think he enjoys me begging him?!
Apologies for the ranty post I just had to get it down!!

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 09/10/2017 08:01

Surely him moving out would be a good thing?

RainyApril · 09/10/2017 08:03

It's rare to read a post where it is so plainly obvious that you need to ltb.

He doesn't love or respect you, doesn't consider himself to be in a relationship with you, enjoys hearing you beg. My god, he sounds horrendous and surely you can see that you and your child would be better off without him.

I assume there are reasons why you have stayed this long?

MinorRSole · 09/10/2017 08:04

Oh good, you have a cocklodger. All the drawbacks with none of the benefits.
Pack his stuff and change the locks.

Velvetbee · 09/10/2017 08:04

Get angry woman and set some boundaries.
' If we're not together, get out of my bed and move out. If we are together you stop the twatty behaviour and show some respect.'
You deserve better than this.

Only1scoop · 09/10/2017 08:04

Well if you 'aren't together' according to him why on earth is he still in your home?

If he's messaging and flirting with other people tell him to FO and find your self respect again.

Original poster
Tinkywinkysbag · 09/10/2017 08:09

Apologies if this seems naive, but what is a cock lodger?
I really do love him and he's already said even if we aren't together I will always be his and he will make my life hell and take the kids with him (which I find hard to believe given that he struggles spending time alone with them but that a whole different thread)
I've seen some of the messages/photos he's sent and recieved to other women but he says I can't be mad which he has said so many times I'm starting to think we'll he does kind of have a point but I'm pretty sure if it was the other way around he would hit the roof!

OP posts:
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 09/10/2017 08:12

Throw him out. Have his bags packed when he comes home today and change the locks. What a cunt. And I don't use that word unless absolutely necessary. And it's necessary here.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/10/2017 08:13

He's talking an awful lot of contradictory rubbish, isn't he? I don't think you can rely on a single word that comes out of his mouth.

Cloudyapples · 09/10/2017 08:13

If you’re not together why is he still in your bed? Sounds like the only person making anyone’s life hell is him. Get rid.

carelessproffessional · 09/10/2017 08:14

Jesus - I always think I've heard it all and then a post like this crops up.

He's a vile, abusive, damaging piece of shit. Leave.
He has clearly damaged you as you can't see him for what he is and he WILL and IS damaging your children.

Get the fuck out, FGS.

2littlemoos · 09/10/2017 08:15

Surely he doesn't actually want to get back in relationship with you because what he is doing right now will massively impact that! He literally has no respect for you and he sounds like a coward, hence not moving out. OP, please grow a pair and stop being taken for granted. In the long run I promise you will be angry at yourself for even considering a future with him.

You deserve better.

HerOtherHalf · 09/10/2017 08:16

You need to take control and stop letting him dictate everything from how it is, how it will be and even how you can feel. Are you strong enough to do that without support?

Alfiemoon1 · 09/10/2017 08:16

If u aren't together tell him to get out then he can't have it both ways either he's with u and stops flirting with other women or he's single and can move out of your bed and house

SparklyMagpie · 09/10/2017 08:18

So what's the reason you arn't together?

I can't believe you're putting up with this childish twat

Shoxfordian · 09/10/2017 08:18

If you aren't together then why is he still living with you? Change the locks and get him out

PickAChew · 09/10/2017 08:19

You're no more than a convenient shag to him. Have some self respect and Chuck him out.

AdalindSchade · 09/10/2017 08:20

Why do you not have a problem with him living with you but you not being together?
You are NOT his you belong to yourself alone. He’s a very abusive man.

MinorRSole · 09/10/2017 08:20

From your update cocklodger isn’t relevant anyway, abusive twat is though and the rest still stands. Kick him out, change the locks and the minute he tries any shit report to the police.

PNGirl · 09/10/2017 08:21

GET RID OF HIM. What a complete and utter arsehole, playing you off against other women.

MorrisZapp · 09/10/2017 08:23

God almighty. What a wretched little creep.

Do you have friends or family you could talk to? Somethings badly amiss here if this is what you think relationships are about.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2017 08:26

Tinkywinkysbag

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

Why are your boundaries in relationships practically non existent and low enough for you to state that you love this man?. I do not think you know what a loving relationship actually is and this certainly is not one. You state your toddler behaves better than this person, what does that tell you about this man you profess to love. Abusive men say the things that he says to the mother particularly re the children; its an empty threat but say it to keep her where she is. This character wants to flirt with and bed other women whilst keeping you around to look after him.

You have a choice re this man; these children caught up in this abusive dysfunctional mess do not. What do you want to teach the children about relationships and just what are they learning here?

Womens Aid are well worth contacting, do please enrol on their Freedom Programme. You will thank yourself for doing that as well as getting rid of this opportunistic low life you call a partner.

wineandworkout · 09/10/2017 08:26

No it is not normal. He seems to be using every opportunity to behave as he pleases and to make you feel that everything is your fault - even the title of this thread reveals how he has made you doubt and question yourself. Get rid of him. You are stronger than you think, I promise (I have been where you are!)

LesisMiserable · 09/10/2017 08:28

Ok the word 'abuse' is bandied about far too freely on MN but this is the first time I've ever really thought this is nailed on abuse. Get him out of your fucking house. If you're afraid he won't go, get the police to help him. This guy is siphoning your life away one day at a time! You are neither together or apart he is using you and your home as a comfort blanket whilst he pursue other women. He's an absolute loser and I don't know you but I guarantee you can do better.

Original poster
Tinkywinkysbag · 09/10/2017 08:59

No I don't really have any RL support and I know that something isn't right but I guess I am afraid of letting go and being on my own with two small DC

OP posts:
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 09/10/2017 09:02

Does he contribute to the household financially or in terms of child care? If not, what are you missing out on?

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