Is this normal?

[Tinkywinkysbag]

Please bear with me, I've not posted on here before.

I have been with my partner for about 4 years - although we "aren't together" at the moment (his words) despite him living with me and is intending to get a mortgage - which is fine I don't have a problem with this.

My problem is he thinks it's ok to message/flirt/take numbers from other women because we aren't together and "it's ok because I'm in your bed every night so I wouldn't do anything" and "even if I did something you couldn't say anything because we aren't together" also "you are way too jealous".

I have explained my feelings to him and said if he loves me , which he says he does, he wouldn't do these things out of respect - he said its nothing to do with that as we aren't together.

Additionally, he informed me last night he thinks I'm a cold hearted C**T - admittedly I am not perfect and have said things in the past out of anger etc but I don't genuinely think I'm a bad person - I'm only human at the end of the day.

He also said he won't ever be able to leave me because apparently I would make his life hell so he's stuck with me?!

If I'm honest I'm finding it all very upsetting and not sure what to say or do anymore - if I dare argue back with him or get in a huff he says he will move out etc and I have said for him to do that because our toddler behAves better than he does but I think he enjoys me begging him?!
Apologies for the ranty post I just had to get it down!!

I take it he’s awesome in bed then? Because I’m struggling to see what you get out of this man at all

You’re being mugged off, you know it and have given the green light to him to do what he wants.

Do NOT buy a house with him. You’ll be glad of that when you’re ready.

He gives me X amount per month - which he says is for the kids so I can't ever say he doesn't pay for them and also covers half the childcare and gives me money for bills etc
If he leaves I will be up the creek without a paddle as I will be unable to continue working due to childcare costs (he's already said if he moves he will only give me the X amount I am entitled to as per CSA) so feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place

He also says he can't not reply to these women messaging him as he's not rude , we rarely have sex to be honest as I just don't feel good enough for him anymore - I'm just a glorified slave!

Are you for real
Op?
If so, no it's not normal...you deserve far better than that.

Yes I am for real - im slowly coming to accept this is not normal however I have no one in RL to talk to and I get worried as he would make me out to be the bad one if I did start talking to anyone

If he's out at work today then pack his shit and leave outside front door. Then change the locks. Don't let the fucker back in. Grade A twunt he is. You deserve better and dcs. Grow a pair and fuck him off now.

God the amount of posts like this I've seen recently. Makes me angry and sad that it is happening in this day and age.

OP, you will probably be financially better off without him because of tax credits, etc. Check out the entitledto website and get a realistic idea of what your finances will be like. It blew my mind when I first did it. And life is so much easier without someone being mean to you all the time.

He could not bloody contact them in the first place then he wouldn't feel obliged to reply. He's an utter tosser and is always going to have an excuse for everything.

I don't see him bending over backwards to not offend you. He despises you and gets away with it because you are in thrall to him.

I get worried as he would make me out to be the bad one if I did start talking to anyone

And? What concern is that of yours?

You will probably find that everyone thinks he is a dickhead and support you. But he has you under some sort of spell.

It seems clear that you want out and ate worried about the practicalities, esp the childcare costs. So maybe let's focus on that. Instead of just thinking, 'I wouldn't manage', maybe you could investigate actual options: are there other parents you could team up with to share childcare? Family nearby who would help out (if not could you move closer)? Are you just taking his word for it that you wouldn't get more money from him if he moved out, or have you checked with the CMS (they have info online)? Have you explored other benefits you might be entitled to - child tax credits, council tax relief (if you were living alone with the children)? I don't mean to sound like I'm saying 'pull yourself together', just trying to help work through the problem... sometimes it helps to try to be as unemotional as possible (for the purpose of solving the practical problem) and just focus on what needs to be done to get you where you want to be. Easier said than done, I know.

Don't be afraid to ask people for help. They are often very happy to help especially if they know you'd help them in a similar situation. It takes a village, and all that ...

In my own case, I stayed with my abusive ex until I got a better job and could afford the childcare myself. That wasn't consciously my reasoning, because I never really articulated the thought I'd kick him out if I didn't need his help with childcare'. In that respect you are a step ahead of where I was :)

Also, I know for a fact that my ex has convinced loads of people that I'm a crazed woman. But so what? I can't control that. They'll find out what he's like sooner or later. Better to be free and unfairly judged than still with him.

In any case, there are loads of people who realised what he was like long before I did. In some ways i felt like the last to know. You might be surprised by how many people are on your side.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I don't normally comment, but you deserve so much better. Someone who loves, respects and cherishes you, not someone who manipulates you. Read back what you have written - what would you say to a friend that was telling you that? It often seems easier to just keep going but after the initial upheaval you will be so much happier away from this man.

OMG, seriously there is absolutely nothing in this for you. You would not be up shit creek without a paddle honestly.

He will still have to contribute towards the children if he is gone and share the childcare, his responsibilities are not any less.

Get your ducks in a row, what is your income now? what will he have to give you based on his earnings for the children? can you increase your hours at work? how much can you receive in Tax Credits? Can you move somewhere smaller or get any housing benefit? How much is your Child Benefit?

Can you manage? if not, why not - what is the shortfall?

Then LTB, do not make his life hell, obliterate him from your life.