Fiance wants to move to New York with me and my DS.

[workingmamma33]

My fiance has been offered a kick ass job in New York, his dream job. Three times his current salary, corner office etc...

We have been together a year, I have a DS 8, whose not his and they have been working on developing a bond over the past six months since we have lived together but it has been very tough. My DS is very sensitive (and has found it hard adjusting to having a stepdad on the scene). We also moved to a new area only six months ago so my son is also settling into a new school. It doesnt help that my DS is quite cheeky and my fiance has a son whose an angel.

DS says he wont take job because of me, he thinks I would hate being a SAHM, which to be fair I would. I am currently in a great job as a charity CEO, he is also worried about my son.

Our relationship has been a bit rocky, he gets insanely jealous sometimes and I feel that we argue alot about my son, although he makes lots of effort in person (they both do) they complain bitterly behind each others back about the other one not liking them.

On one hand, if I were single I would leap at chance to go to USA, but the relationship is still so early days and I am not sure whether the whole move to a new country thing is just one step too far.

So I guess the question is do I just tell him now to take thr job as he is a bit jealous anyway and a little bit controlling? He has never harmed me or been mean, but he is just very traditional and thinks he must make the money decisions. etc.....

Worried about implications of being the “one who stood in the way”. Do I dramatically send him packing, quite literally? I love him but the red flags have all started to ping up recently, things like him reading my texts and whatsapps, listening to calls, etc....Is it better for me to tell him how I feel now, so he can take up this great opportunit he has always dreamed of? Or give him the benefit of the doubt? get him to stay and not move to NY... HELP!!!! GOT to make a decision by tomorrow....Thanks very much.

He's going to 'turn down' the job and tell you he wants to build a life with you therefore pressuring you into marriage and more children. You say you're not in the same rush as he is, this is his way of getting what he wants.

There won't be a job I bet. He sounds awful.

The bluetooth bit is a complete lie. It stretches about 20ft or something. He sounds unhinged.

You need to put your son first. No wonder he has anger issues. He's gone from having an absent father, to a live in fiance within 6 months of his short life.

You live with quite a controlling man who sees his 'angel' son 4 weeks a year.

Your sons head must be wrecked.

Let this man go to America and concentrate on your child.

it sounds like you are looking for an excuse to break up with him.....

I don’t think he is a good man, I am sorry. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you are to an extent conditioned to an unhealthy dynamic, and if you have told your fiancé about your previous relationship, then he already knows some of your vulnerabilities.

The relationship has been on fast track (red flag); he wants a baby even though you are not sure (red flag, once you have the baby you are tied to him for life); there are issues with him being negative to your DS (red flag, your DS sounds like he has had a normal reaction to life events, and you can not compare him to a child he only sees four weeks a year - who cares for this child when he visits now, you or fiancé?); the job offer is being used as an ultimatum in a way; you suspect he is reading your messages.

Have you seen any evidence whatsoever that this job exists? That is the first question. Second question, who owns the house? You say he moved in in a staggered way. Where was he before and where did the money from his property go? This is a guy who gets job offers from NY he needs to make decisions on. Does this square with the standard of living you have in your new house?

I guess my fear would be that, having left an abusive relationship, you have simply got a different type of abuser, who over time will make you forget which way is up. I don’t think you are back-tracking when you say he is a good man, that is how he must have come across for you to be drawn in and let him live with you and your DS after such a short time. But would a good man not have taken his time? If he was a good man, would the red flags be there? All that aside, your boundaries are off - quite simply, because you do not need to ask how he would take it if you dumped him, you need to make the decision about how you would feel if you did that. You. Not him. The decision to stay or go is made for you (and DS), not how he would feel. That is his issue.

Don't go, a year into a relationship and you have all these issues and an unsettled child. There are so many red flags you need to address these first before even considering more upheaval.

Moving overseas and building a new life and new schools is stressful, hard work and will highlight any weak areas of your relationship. Its exciting and an adventure too but you have to be secure in your relationship and have secure children which you really don't seem to have.

If he wants this job tell him to go, concentrate on your DS and if he's the right man things will work out in time.

Even if he doesn't go, dump him.

Absolutely do not go. He sounds like he is not good for you or your DS and you'd be better off ending the relationship completely - certainly not uprooting your and DS's lives for. End it now and focus your energies on your DS until he is settled and more emotionally stable.

"My DS dad was abusive, so always hyper cautious now."

No, you're not being hyper-cautious.

You've moved in with and got engaged to a man you've know a year. You've expected your 8 YO to just adjust to a new man living there (he's not his step-father - he barely knows him), a new area, a new school and now you want to move him to a different country?

And these are the things you say about your lovely 'fiance':
he is a bit jealous and a little bit controlling
He thinks he must make the money decisions
reading my texts and whatsapps, listening to calls

And he's never physically harmed you or been mean? Your bar is set so low it's scraping the floor.

Send this creep off with your blessing and do the Freedom Programme.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What happened to your boundaries here?. They are so low here as to be almost non existent. These two men between them have wreaked those with the result being as it is now.

Send this person to NYC and under no circumstances go with him. There are more red flags about him than at a Communist Party Meeting.

Love your own self for a change, enrol on the Freedom Programme, read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and teach your son more positive life affirming relationship lessons. He will also thank you for doing that.
You have gone from one previously abusive relationship with your DS's father into one that is also abusive in nature. Your DS's father messed up your boundaries and this current bloke has done the self same thing, you were targeted by this person really for his own ends.

Womens Aid's Freedom Programme is a must do for you and you ideally need to do that in person.

He should go to NYC without you and your son in tow.

Don't date anyone who is "insanely jealous", or even "mildly jealous", or even "a little bit jealous over just one thing."

Jealousy becomes control becomes violence (or does anyone know a jealous man who ever stopped being so after someone stood up to him? Anyone?)

There are fewer things more dangerous you could do right now than become a SAHM with a man who is "insanely jealous" and who insists he must "make all the money decisions." You would be owned. His "money decisions" would swiftly ensure you could not leave, unless you hide the cash for two plane tickets home.

Tell him not to let the door hit his ass on the way out.

Your DS is also under no obligation to "feel" anything for this stranger in his life, who is jealous, and "difficult" and "frustrated" and "unreliable". The absolute last thing your son needs in his life, after an early experience of abuse and abandonment from a man, is another abusive, unreliable, 'difficult' man.

This is very simple to me: he goes, you and DS stay.

The only decision is whether him going means the end of your relationship, or if you are going to give long distance a go

Tell him to accept the job and go. Say you'll visit for holidays.
Sounds like you need to focus on your son - and don't give up a great career!

Entourage him to go.

Have you seen the offer in writing? Because any employer worth their salt, offering a kick ass package, would know that bringing family too is a deal breaker. If they know his current set up, they'll know full well you can't join him and he'll know this as well.

Yep. Companies that move people back and forth have standard move packages for different levels of employees that detail what they get. And companies absolutely consider marital status -- way cheaper to move a single person, way more likely to stay in the job. (Spouses not settling in and the person therefore going back is very expensive).

There are other signs that the job offer might be bogus:

1. If this is a transfer with his current company, that's one thing. But if he is saying that a US firm is hiring him out of the blue, its a red flag. The company would have to get him a visa, and those only come in certain categories, they're expensive, etc. US companies like to hire US citizens because its easier and cheaper.

1. Most brits who come to the US come on H-1B visas, which are given to people with specialized skills that the US is currently low on, such as registered nurses or software programmers. These aren't corner office jobs. They tend to be the grunt level of professionals, if that makes sense. Unless he is already at least a director, don't buy the corner office part. Even then, I suspect BS.

1. Three times the salary is actual hard to compute. Not only are the currencies different, the taxes, benefits, retirement, and cost of living are all different. It can be difficult to figure out which job actually pays better, or provides a higher standard of living, or set one up the best for the future (which all sound like the same thing but aren't).

The more usually thing to talk about would be how the taxes will work and how what kind of bonuses are involved.

One option would be to lovingly encourage him to go, encourage him to settle in and say that if things are meant to be between you two, they will work out.

In reality, in many couples the man moves first and sorts out housing and such, and wife and children follow. In your case, I suspect the whole thing will fall apart because it isn't real.

I would leap at the chance to live in NYC for a bit! But I love it there and have always wondered what it would be like to live there... especially if I could earn enough to live centrally.

However, I'm not you! I'm not a CEO and I don't have an 8 year old and I'm not in a new relationship, with possessive symptoms. In your shoes, I would hit the pause button, bit time. I would want to have something over there to move to that would allow me to continue a reasonably independent life should things not work out (I believe from the way you write and what you've said that you would be an asset to a similar charity over there, but I would say you should go for the right job, not just any old job). I would also want my DS to be OK with the move. Reading between the lines of your post, alarm bells are ringing and you would be wise to trust that sound and act accordingly.

Ok let me get this straight...
Your ex was abusive and abused your son. You are now "hyper cautious".

So... You moved in with a man after knowing him less than a year. Wow great decision making there. You sound suuuuper careful

...and you are now considering going to a foreign country...
...as the unmarried partner
... Of a man who:

• expects your DS to "make an effort" with him (has he met children? Has he met human beings? Is your partner 7?)
• is emotionally unpredictable
• reads your texts
• listens to your phone calls

Never mind that even a basic knowledge of US visas would tell you that you would not be eligible to go with your P to the states.

... Cool. You sound really clever and like a great mum, thumbs up, no red flags at all

Seriously though. Please give your head a wobble. You have a child. You are responsible for that child's upbringing. Be a grown up and start making better choices. I hope to God your son has at least one other adult in his life who can see the wood for the trees and puts him first in some way.

Don't uproot at this stage of your relationship. You do need to discuss his jealousy though, especially as you're engaged.

Also make sure you don't stay logged into mumsnet.
If he has tendencies to spy

Also let him go. I can't see much of a relationship if he's struggling with your son.
I mean what would happen if you had another child....

I get the impression that the OP has no intention of going to the USA (It would be incredibly difficult for her to do this anyway). The bigger issue ahead of her is this:

He's going to 'turn down' the job and tell you he wants to build a life with you therefore pressuring you into marriage and more children. You say you're not in the same rush as he is, this is his way of getting what he wants.

I think this guy is using this job offer to exert control on the OP. He will refuse the job and from then on every argument/decision about the future will be "but I turned down a fantastic job because you are more important to me". As the pp said, it is his way of getting what he wants.

This man has so many red flags. Moving him into your home after 6 months of knowing him was not a great decision OP. Nor was expecting your 8 year old to work on a relationship with a man you knew 6 months. I think you need to step back and rethink this entire relationship.

I think you're right, pallisers and pp - it's intended as a wedge to get you to speed things up further/get even more entangled, OP. You need to put a halt to it all.

I agree with everyone who says don't go, let hime go.
You've only been together a year and your DS has had a huge amount of turmoil. He needs to time to settle and adjust.
You have a great job which you love, why give it up to cross the world to be with someone your really barely know and who is causing all sorts of ref flags to wave?
You risk finding yourself entangled more deeply in a relationship where your OH can say' look what I've given up to stay here in the UK with you and pile on the guilt. He will also get more copntrolling - people like this never become less controlling!
I would tell him to go. And cancel the engagement.

OP there are some wonderful insightful posts on this thread. Please listen carefully and take these warnings very seriously.

Not a good idea, as others have said too many red flags. I would also ask to see the job offer, because if it is bogus and he is doing it for strange control reasons and make you feel bad when he turns it down , then thats big red warning bells too. If on the other hand its genuine (and salaried jobs in USA for non US citizens tend to be for very very specialised shortage occupations) then I would encourage him to go and say to stay in touch and contact and see how it goes. If its meant to be, then it will be, if it isnt, it will soon fizzle out.