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Original poster

Fiance wants to move to New York with me and my DS.

76 replies

workingmamma33 · 08/10/2017 22:33

My fiance has been offered a kick ass job in New York, his dream job. Three times his current salary, corner office etc...

We have been together a year, I have a DS 8, whose not his and they have been working on developing a bond over the past six months since we have lived together but it has been very tough. My DS is very sensitive (and has found it hard adjusting to having a stepdad on the scene). We also moved to a new area only six months ago so my son is also settling into a new school. It doesnt help that my DS is quite cheeky and my fiance has a son whose an angel.

DS says he wont take job because of me, he thinks I would hate being a SAHM, which to be fair I would. I am currently in a great job as a charity CEO, he is also worried about my son.

Our relationship has been a bit rocky, he gets insanely jealous sometimes and I feel that we argue alot about my son, although he makes lots of effort in person (they both do) they complain bitterly behind each others back about the other one not liking them.

On one hand, if I were single I would leap at chance to go to USA, but the relationship is still so early days and I am not sure whether the whole move to a new country thing is just one step too far.

So I guess the question is do I just tell him now to take thr job as he is a bit jealous anyway and a little bit controlling? He has never harmed me or been mean, but he is just very traditional and thinks he must make the money decisions. etc.....

Worried about implications of being the “one who stood in the way”. Do I dramatically send him packing, quite literally? I love him but the red flags have all started to ping up recently, things like him reading my texts and whatsapps, listening to calls, etc....Is it better for me to tell him how I feel now, so he can take up this great opportunit he has always dreamed of? Or give him the benefit of the doubt? get him to stay and not move to NY... HELP!!!! GOT to make a decision by tomorrow....Thanks very much.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 08/10/2017 23:06

Honestly I would let him go. Put your son first - and yourself, come to that.

Apileofballyhoo · 08/10/2017 23:07

Fingers crossed he'll go and never come back. Sorry OP. Flowers

BurberryBlue · 08/10/2017 23:09

End it now,he doesn’t sound like marriage material.I wouldn’t move to another country with your son for this man.

pattybianca · 08/10/2017 23:20

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Original poster
workingmamma33 · 08/10/2017 23:36

answers to qs, my sons dad lives abroad and never sees him. Not in picture. My fiance DS lives over a 10 hr drive away and only see each other four weeks per year. To be fair, I confronted him on Friday about phone calls as he said he could hear my calls from his car when he drove up because my phone connects to his bluetooth. He said he hasn’t so maybe its just me being para. My DS dad was abusive, so always hyper cautious now. Still think messages being read though, and so thats an issue,

Fiance now says he is considering moving without me (no way I am planning on moving this early on, especially given the issues), he said he will let me know tomorrow what he does. Whilst he is being really frustrating talking about my DS, he is asking for help building the relationship, whilst he can be a bit immature sometimes, he does bend over backwards for my son, its just he gets bothered my son doesnt feel the same way. We both find him-DP a bit emotionally unreliable, very loving one minute and then quite distant the next, to the degree you are never sure what you are getting. My son has anger issues (which bless him he has resolved alot of now) alot of which because of his dad ceasing contact with him when he was three, but also suspected Abuse whilst in his dads care during custody, which was all reported to social services at the time.

My fiance is a good man, I know I have only talked about the bad bits here, but obviously this has all been compounded into decision making by the rather pressing situation.

I moved areas and schools not because of fiance, but really didn’t like the area we were in. My fiance suggested he moved in a staggered way and finally moved in a couple of months ago. He is pretty eager to get settled down as he would like more children, but I am not in the same rush, as I am younger then him. We live in a great area now and my DS loves it, so not planning on moving any time soon.

I do love my fiance, but dont like the idea of being the source of his regret. He claims he wont, and he loves me and wants to build a life with me.I definitely think its a tough judgement call to definitely say its over at this stage...

He told me if we broke up he would take it as well, although I did ask this, so he didnt start this convo.

OP posts:
realhousewife44 · 09/10/2017 00:23

You would have to get married to be eligible for a visa to allow you to move to America. If you're not married, you won't be able to go. Plus I don't think your DS would get a visa either since he wouldn't be a dependent of your fiance.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/10/2017 00:43

We both find him-DP a bit emotionally unreliable, very loving one minute and then quite distant the next, to the degree you are never sure what you are getting

Sorry I'm unclear who you are describing as emotionally unreliable here, your DO or your DS. Because if it's your DS that's totally understandable given the massive changes within the last year. If it is your DP you're describing here I'd be worried - chopping and changing to keep you on your toes and inline so you try to keep him sweet all the time is a tactic emotionally abusive people use.

Amd724 · 09/10/2017 00:46

Don’t go. I’m an American, living in the UK with my British husband. It’s hard work being this far away from your support network and family. I didn’t even move to the UK for my husband! I went for Uni and met him here. I wasn’t even bringing a child over. It’s still incredibly isolating living abroad, especially if you have a good career and home life in the UK. You literally have no other reason to move but this man. My husband is great, if we had one or two of the issues you state above, I wouldn’t have stayed in the UK and married him! Like hell is he going to tell me when and where I can spend my own money.

Say no, it doesn’t sound like you’re at the stage where you should be marrying and perhaps this time apart will give you some perspective about where the relationship was actually going.

BTW: for the visa issue, you can enter as his fiancé (but that won’t grant you the option to work, or go to school, or do anything really), but your son won’t be able to. You’d also not be able to be on his health insurance as a dependent until you were married. You’d be rushing to get married, and then also your partner would need to adopt your son. This is incredibly permanent for a move for his job. To me, its a definite NO.

SuperBeagle · 09/10/2017 00:54

This whole situation sounds like a mess, honestly. And it's not surprising considering you've only been together for 12 months, you're engaged, and you've been living together for at least 6 of those months. I feel sorry for your son, and I'm not at all surprised he's struggling with this.

AntiHop · 09/10/2017 01:23

Oh my god don't go! You have a fantastic job and stability in this country. There are too many red flags from what you are describing.

Smitff · 09/10/2017 01:33

TBH, it doesn't even sound as if you're sure of the relationship, let alone sure enough to give it all up for him (which is what it really is; it's exactly what I did 7 years ago). On the basis of what you've written, I say DEFINITELY don't follow him yourself and most certainly don't uproot your DS to do so. If the relationship lasts the course, get married before you go out there.

Also, has to be said, this fellow is putting his dream job/higher salary ahead of you and your DS in terms of what matters to him. Worth seeing it from that angle.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 09/10/2017 01:40

"No"

eeanne · 09/10/2017 02:00

I don't get how you are saying the relationship is in "early days" but you are engaged and have moved him in to live with your child?

Don't go to New York for sure but the entire situation seems like it's rushed.

Cricrichan · 09/10/2017 02:09

Definitely don't move to new York with him. Don't give up any but if your independence and reconsider your relationship.

There were a few controlling signs early on in my relationship, but having had no experience of this before I didn't really notice them. It's only later when I looked back that I saw them for what they were.

If he is really reading your whatsapps and listening in to your phone conversations, then leave him.

realhousewife44 · 09/10/2017 02:18

BTW: for the visa issue, you can enter as his fiancé

There's no visa that allows a British citizen to go the US on an employment based visa and take a fiancé(e) with them. Fiancé(e) visas are for US citizens bringing their OH to the US.

Topseyt · 09/10/2017 02:22

Don't go! And turn Bluetooth off on your phone and any other devices.

HappenedForAReisling · 09/10/2017 02:28

Sorry OP, but you're backtracking.

He is not a nice person and I don't think you're going to convince too many people on here that he is.

Cavender · 09/10/2017 02:50

We moved to the USA for my DH’s job.

Our relationship is rock solid, and our children (who are very stable and well behaved) adore their father.

And even then the early days were very, very hard.

Don’t let the fact that the language is (mostly) the same and that you’ve seen lots of American TV fool you, culturally there are quite a lot of differences.

It took us at least six months to feel settled and happy and we have none of the issues you have.

I absolutely wouldn’t move in your circumstances.

Sprinklestar · 09/10/2017 02:58

I'm a Brit and live in the US. I love NYC but I wouldn't want to live there!

That aside, this is all hypothetical. You can't come here to live without a visa. You can't get a visa without being married to him. Sounds like that's not on the cards so nothing to get worked up about in the short term.

Can I ask a question? Is there really a job in NYC? Have you seen the offer in writing? Because any employer worth their salt, offering a kick ass package, would know that bringing family too is a deal breaker. If they know his current set up, they'll know full well you can't join him and he'll know this as well. I think he's playing you and looking for a reason to blame you for a split, when all along there wasn't the remotest chance you could join him anyway.

HyacinthBooquet · 09/10/2017 03:09

You can always find another man but your son will never have another mother. Put him first and don't lumber him with a man he's never going to be good enough for.

Lagerthaisfabulous · 09/10/2017 05:52

You need to finish the relationship. Not move across the world for him.

Its been a year. Its a shit relationship, yoir son isnt happy and you have a ton of issues.

Phones dont connect to bluetooth midcall because someone has pulled up outside.

AdalindSchade · 09/10/2017 06:04

Put your child first and end this relationship. He’s not a good step dad and he’s not a good partner. Whether he goes to america or not is irrelevant to you as the relationship should be over regardless.

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 09/10/2017 06:18

The Bluetooth bit is a lie

And I'd have my doubts the job even exists

category12 · 09/10/2017 06:39

You'd be foolish to go, even if you can. And it's not fair on your ds.

You should ditch him and do some work on your boundaries: this relationship has been on fast-forward, which is often a predictor for it being abusive. Especially with your past abusive relationship, your picker is off.

Msqueen33 · 09/10/2017 06:40

Dump him! Let him go off to the US alone

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