I don't know why I'm posting really.

[BhunaChicken]

I’ve been with DP for 18 months, he has a DD from a previous relationship, I don’t have any. I rent and he lives with his parents after a nasty split with his ex. He stays with me (pays his fair share, sometimes more) except on Friday nights and certain afternoons when he has his DD.

I’ve met his parents although I don’t see them often and have been introduced to his friends. We’ve discussed children/mortgages and we’re both on the same page regarding those. He treats me really well, he’s emotionally supportive and very financially generous, he makes the effort with my parents and we’ve been on holiday together twice now. He’s just paid our deposit for our next holiday in September.

However, there’s something niggling in the back of my mind. I’ve not met his DD yet, which is fine there’s no rush, that’s his choice and I rightly have no say in the matter but I’m thinking does he see me as something temporary? I want to get my life sorted and get on the property ladder, have my own DC (he said he wants this too) but how can I when I haven’t even built a relationship with the child he already has. I’d want to get to know her, involve her and ensure we get along OK before introducing another. The reason he hasn’t introduced me yet is because his ex says she’d cut contact if he does. I understand he’s frightened of that.

He gets offended when I say I’m going to begin working on my own career, house and life but I don’t feel included in his at all. I’m not sure if I’m being silly or overthinking?

I don’t see his parents much because he just comes straight to my house after work and when he’s free. At the weekend we’re busy so he only really sees them on a Friday night himself.

I get on really well with his friends, they’ve all commented on how happy he is now and that they like me. Their girlfriends/wives are all really nice to me.

He’s not a doctor but is a high earner! I don’t think that he’d lose contact really, he provides financial support that she needs.

I don’t know how to approach this. I’m so down today.

That sounds fine OP, he's not keeping you separate from his life, just being rightly cautious around his child.
Your idea of writing your concerns down for him to read and absorb is sound.
Post it here first if you're worried and we'll help you get it right.
He sounds lovely but worried about his daughter. He'll probably be a lot happier himself once contact is on a more secure footing.

Oh, and he should definitely stop paying child support in cash.

we both want a mortgage and he’d like another child in a few years.

How would this work exactly then? Would your child not even meet their sister?

Sounds like he is fearful to rock the boat.

I think I would give it a year and if he stil can't put in healthy boundaries for the good of your relationship with you, and for the good of his relationship with his dd (constant anxiety from the dp and being dd used as a pawn is not in the child's interests either) then I would call time on this relationship. What a shame.

Watching with interest as I've also been with my bf 18 months, we are serious and want a future together, have talked about living together in a few years but our dc haven't really met each other. I swing between feeling good about things, 18 months not that long to worrying whether we'll ever be in a position to live together until we retire, eeek....

Our circs are different though -
Our kids are teens which is a whole different ball game. And actually I can see many benefits for things staying as they are.

You are being very reasonable and are thinking of the dd's best interests.

Just want to say you are not alone in dealing with the compartmentalising of life with kids and a new partner.

Good luck

he's WAY overpaying on child support and SHE knows it.. hence she doesn't want this officiated... it would also pull the rug of her controlling his access.. for such a decent guy he's not very bright is he OP ?

I hope he makes her sign a receipt when he pays her in hand...

How do you know he is overpaying on child support Gemini and even if so it doesn't seem hugely relevant?

But he ought to be getting proof of payment though.

Time to shore up arrangements so that everyone's boundaries are clear and everyone can, y'know, move on with their lives.

How do you know he is overpaying on child support Gemini and even if so it doesn't seem hugely relevant?

then why ask ?

TheNaze Nope! That's the CMS calculated amount. He's only a part time Mechanic!