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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know why I'm posting really.

60 replies

BhunaChicken · 08/10/2017 20:43

I’ve been with DP for 18 months, he has a DD from a previous relationship, I don’t have any. I rent and he lives with his parents after a nasty split with his ex. He stays with me (pays his fair share, sometimes more) except on Friday nights and certain afternoons when he has his DD.

I’ve met his parents although I don’t see them often and have been introduced to his friends. We’ve discussed children/mortgages and we’re both on the same page regarding those. He treats me really well, he’s emotionally supportive and very financially generous, he makes the effort with my parents and we’ve been on holiday together twice now. He’s just paid our deposit for our next holiday in September.

However, there’s something niggling in the back of my mind. I’ve not met his DD yet, which is fine there’s no rush, that’s his choice and I rightly have no say in the matter but I’m thinking does he see me as something temporary? I want to get my life sorted and get on the property ladder, have my own DC (he said he wants this too) but how can I when I haven’t even built a relationship with the child he already has. I’d want to get to know her, involve her and ensure we get along OK before introducing another. The reason he hasn’t introduced me yet is because his ex says she’d cut contact if he does. I understand he’s frightened of that.

He gets offended when I say I’m going to begin working on my own career, house and life but I don’t feel included in his at all. I’m not sure if I’m being silly or overthinking? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
BhunaChicken · 08/10/2017 21:28

No timescales as such. I lost my job so that put things back.

I did say to him a few months back that I will not be living in a house that I pay for and have to stay with my parents when he has his DD over and he assured me that wasn’t the case.

Everything is “in a year or so” but to me, I’d like to have known his child longer than that before I even began to think about living with her. I’d want her to feel completely comfortable living with me before that was forced upon her.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 08/10/2017 21:34

He sounds like a good guy if he is putting his daughter first and you feel he has really supported you too. I would get him to talk about the practicalities of the 'in a year or so' planning, and encourage him to see a solicitor to be able to secure access to his daughter and get past all the drama.

Ohyesiam · 08/10/2017 21:38

He needs to see that there is no reasoning with an unreasonable person. He needs to take this to court. If he let's her hold a gun to his head, it will eventually break up your relationship.

Bluebell878275 · 08/10/2017 21:38

You seriously need to be meeting this child and her getting used to you being a permanent fixture in her life..you need to see how you all work together as a family. This is vital for eveyone's happiness. The sooner the better really. In my opinion you should have met her as soon as you guys realised you were serious. The ex can bluster and scream all she likes but I don't believe she will actually cut contact..he needs to be firm and repeat he will collect/drop off as per usual and literally just do it. Short of not answering the door which will make her look ridiculous in front of the kid there's not much she can actually do.

Original poster
BhunaChicken · 08/10/2017 21:46

bluebell exactly my point. We became serious quite quickly, I wouldn’t have felt comfortable meeting her before a year. However, it’s been longer than that now and I feel excluded. Aside from the issues with his daughter, I never see his parents, I don’t even have their number! I probably see them once every two months. On the other hand he’s got my parents on speed dial and has a fantastic relationship with them.

I doubt his ex would stop contact, she requests her CM in cash and not into her bank so she has to see him. That’s their issue but I guess it’s up to him to make the decision of introducing me.

OP posts:
Biscuitsbathroom · 08/10/2017 21:54

He needs to sort the CM too. Because when the shit hits the fan, he'll have no evidence he's been paying her it if she says he hasn't.

Biscuitsbathroom · 08/10/2017 21:55

But as you say, maybe not your place to push that, under the circumstances.

Charley50 · 08/10/2017 22:13

The problem is; the longer he leaves it, the harder he will find it to challenge her. Women like this do withhold access. Her aim is to sabotage your relationship. And it's working. He needs to see that. None of this 'next year next year.'
I wish I had realized all of this years ago, instead of being fobbed off year after year.

Hermonie2016 · 08/10/2017 22:25

they argue a lot and it seems pretty volatile

This is not good as suggests they are still involved.You really don't argue with an ex 2.5 years later unless there is lots of emotions.

I think you don't really know what is going on with his ex.She is unlikely to stop contact if it's been established for 2.5 years.He could have gone to mediation and by an agreement.Something doesn't feel right and I think there is more to this than you know.What have you heard the ex say?

What age is you b/f and was he previously married? How old are you?

Original poster
BhunaChicken · 08/10/2017 22:31

I don’t think there is anything else to it between them. She seems spiteful, for example she won’t let him take her on holiday but when she took his DD, wouldn’t even tell them where she went.

I’m 24 and he’s 30. They weren’t married and had been split almost a year before I came along.

I’ve seen the messages which say things like “you have no control over when you see DD” and I know that frightens him.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 08/10/2017 22:32

I agree that's a possibility too Hermonie..

Charley50 · 08/10/2017 22:42

There's nothing wrong with formalizing access. It sounds daunting to informal easygoing people, but he needs to do it. His DD is being used as a pawn here. You and she will get hurt if he doesn't sort it out

Original poster
BhunaChicken · 08/10/2017 22:46

I don’t think there is anything suspicious going on. I really don’t.

I sort of feel like I have no right to say anything about his daughter, not because of him, but in general. It isn’t really my place to push things like this, is it? But maybe I’m part of the issue also. I should force it more, for the sake of my relationship.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 08/10/2017 22:50

That's the thing. Already she won't let him take his DD on holiday; already she is damaging his relationship with his daughter.
If she thinks he's abusive that's different, but seems like she's doing it for control.
A few years down the line, when they're more amicable, maybe she'll invite him on holiday with her and DD. He might say yes if he thinks that's his only opportunity for a holiday with his daughter.. So many problems ahead if this isn't done formally.

Charley50 · 08/10/2017 22:56

And it's driving a wedge between the two of you. If you two are serious it is your place to let him know your feelings on this. You are thinking pretty clearly about it really.

Original poster
BhunaChicken · 08/10/2017 22:59

How do you suggest I approach this situation without coming across as demanding/needy?

OP posts:
Original poster
BhunaChicken · 08/10/2017 23:01

With regards to the holiday, he’s booked to take her away to Spain in June (I’m not invited, obviously) and informed the ex. She hit the roof and vowed to make her unavailable for contact around that time so he doesn’t take her. I warned him that would happen, but he’s paid now and will attempt to pick her up then.

OP posts:
Biscuitsbathroom · 08/10/2017 23:06

What was she like about contact before you were on the scene?

It was a bold move to book a holiday for DD, considering she has been making all these threats. Of course he should be able to take her on holiday, but he should have for a formal arrangement in place, before booking anything or else he's treading on eggshells til they've landed in Spain.

ChippingInLovesTheApprentice · 08/10/2017 23:06

He's a FOOL paying her cash. He has no proof he's been paying her.

He's a FOOL not to have sorted out access via the court.

He's a FOOL to have waited 18 months & be talking about another year

He's a FOOL to be so manipulated by his ex that he's risking his current relationship.

You would be a FOOL not to give this a LOT more thought. You're very young, why saddle yourselfvwith a fool of a man with a very angry ex? Run.

Sweetbell · 08/10/2017 23:11

My situation was similar but from different POV.

I'm resident parent but ex compartmentalized his life completely didn't want our DC around his new partner ever.

DC have never been to his new home only seeing him at GPs (when I did the arranging etc)

turns out they have half siblings now that they met accidentally but still have no relationship or contact with.
In my case I didn't restrict access, ex never wanted any set days ended up being 2-3 days once/twice a year as he moved away secretly.

Something needs to change with your dp I'm sure he doesn't want to rock boat but compartmentalizing can't go on forever it isn't fair and can get stupidly out of hand. With the potential to cause a lot of hurt!
He needs to formalise contact and cm and just get on with his life especially as you are willing to welcome his DD into your life too.
If ex refuses then he'll just have to bite the bullet and fight for access if his dd is that important he won't want to give up on her no matter what!!

Hermonie2016 · 08/10/2017 23:35

Is he taking his dd out during school time?

Please be careful blaming the ex, it can make you blind to what is going on with him.
I don't think you and him are on the same page at all.It suits him to have his dd and you apart.that way you are always the g/f.
Don't listen to his words, see his actions.

Just feels as if you are really invested and you are so young.I wouldn't want this for my dd.You are signing up for a hard life.

Btw, My stbxh had an ex wife, she was volatile but now I know what ex is capable of I am much more understanding.Hear what she says, and question him more.
You shouldn't have to feel needy because you want his words and actions to match up.

Charley50 · 08/10/2017 23:48

Yeah there is something in it for him to compartmentalise you. You said 'of course you're not going on the holiday in June.' But in a normal relationship why wouldn't you be? You will have been together over two years by then, you should be holidaying with him and his DD.
This shows how fucked up the situation is.
It's in his control to address it via the courts. If he doesn't; well as mumsnet says; you have a DP problem.

SleightOfMind · 08/10/2017 23:52

I'm also unsure as to how good this guy is.
Why do you think you don't see much of his parents?
Do you get on well with his friends? Especially older ones, who know his ex.

Protectingmydaughterfromfilth · 09/10/2017 00:25

£600 a MONTH????????? ShockShockShockHmmHmmHmm I'm sorry but that is INSANE! Is he a Doctor?!?!

I get £29 a week!

TheNaze73 · 09/10/2017 08:12

Protecting That is not insane in the slightest, a lot of people pay double, treble or quadruple that based on earnings. I think you’re being done somewhere along the line.

OP, I think he has every right to be cautious with his DC, she has to come first. 18 months is no time at all really. Don’t get overly focused on it.

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