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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this weird behaviour?

64 replies

Blondehairblackroots · 08/10/2017 18:59

My newish dp came downstairs and said to me out of the blue ( he has just moved in ) I just found a used condom under the bed that was not his
My bedroom is not immaculate but there is no way there was a used condom there , plus I hadn't had a partner anyway .
I said no way and he just said I wanted to see what u would say , and kinda smirked
I think it is odd behaviour but would like some views

OP posts:
LoverOfCake · 08/10/2017 19:44

I had one of these. Turned up early from a night out to try and catch me out. Registered a PAYG sim and sent me a text telling me this was "my new number," with kisses at the bottom to try to suggest I was having an affair. When I mentioned I'd had an odd text with no name on it he pretended that it was strange even though he was the one who sent it.

He had bugs in the house and keyloggers on the computer as well, and when we got divorced I discovered he also had naked pictures of me taken without my knowledge.

Justdontknow4321 · 08/10/2017 19:45

He sounds odd.
Checking your alone ?! Wtf.
Clearly doesn't trust you.

Original poster
Blondehairblackroots · 08/10/2017 19:46

But this is over
Be having that conversation asap ( he works away ) so have some time to think about it all

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondehairblackroots · 08/10/2017 19:49

@ lover
It sounds crazy when I read about someone else but explainable when I think about myself
Does that make sense ?

OP posts:
Tiddlywinks63 · 08/10/2017 19:52

This is making me shudder op. If he's like this now wtf will he be like in 12 months time?
Kick him out. Now. And change your locks and phone number.
Danger signs galore.

SnowiestMountain · 08/10/2017 19:55

Get rid OP, sounds weird and quite worrying

Is this weird behaviour?
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 08/10/2017 20:00

Scary. You need to be rid of him and quick.

Gemini69 · 08/10/2017 20:05

he is disgusting thinking that was even remotely funny... get him to Hell out your home Lady Flowers

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 08/10/2017 20:06

What a creep. It’s not normal or justifiable behaviour in any way.

bimbobaggins · 08/10/2017 20:07

He's a newish dp and he's moved in already? If it was me he'd be moving back out again.

I think giving you the chills and scary are a bit ott but it's definitely weird and I wouldn't be putting up with it

fullofhope03 · 08/10/2017 20:08

OP, I was with someone like this for years - (wtf was I thinking God only knows). It was exhausting, frustrating and wore me down (useful for him in retrospect). This does NOT bode well. He may turn on the charm and be all 'sweet' and 'caring', but NO. Get rid.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/10/2017 20:10

Ugh. This will only get much, much worse. Get rid of him now.

viques · 08/10/2017 20:10

You have a ds of cub age and you are letting this weird person live in your house?

PoorYorick · 08/10/2017 20:14

It always warms my cockles when someone makes it so plain at an early stage that they're a complete bellend.

ArcheryAnnie · 08/10/2017 20:15

Agree with everyone else. Controlling, gaslighting, creepy. This is not a man who will improve.

LoverOfCake · 08/10/2017 20:16

Ask yourself OP, why do you think that it sounds normal for you as opposed to someone else? Do you think that it could be because other than this behaviour he is normal? So anything out of the ordinary just seems like a joke as opposed to part of a pattern of behaviour?

That's how they normalise it. They're generally normal people, they would have to be otherwise they'd never manage to find a partner. And then they drop in the little 'jokes' which you might laugh off at the time because that's not a part of who they generally are. Until the digs and the jokes become the norm but it happens slowly enough for you to have not noticed (boiling frog analogy).

Mine once dropped into conversation that a friend of his wanted to set him up with a certain woman. He obviously laughed it off because he was with me so didn't even see why friend would have mentioned it.... And then a few months later I brought it up in a light-hearted conversation about said friend. He became very quiet for the rest of the night and when I asked him why he said he couldn't understand why I would have made something like that up. Made me doubt myself but I swear to God he'd said it months before but he made out as if I hadn't.

This is how the gaslighting starts OP. Don't have a conversation about it. He'll have you doubting yourself and looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life if you continue with this relationship. I'm several years on from having left now and even now I am paranoid about whether he might still be having me watched.

ArcheryAnnie · 08/10/2017 20:16

(And change the locks.)

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/10/2017 20:18

Definitely get rid. That's very very strange behaviour.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/10/2017 20:19

SweePea, listen up, please !

Lozmatoz · 08/10/2017 20:20

This is the start of controlling and abusive behaviour. Get out now. It is not acceptable!!

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 08/10/2017 20:21

He's trying to catch you out. My exp used to do this. I remember one time he started a row saying the passenger seat in my car had been moved and demanded to know who had been in the seat. It literally could have been any one of my friends or sister or colleagues. I gave people lifts all the time. He was insistent that none of those people would need to move the seat back to its furthest point so obviously whoever I had in the car had long legs and was a man Hmm I ended up crying and promising him I hadn't had any man in the car but that any one of my friends might have moved it. He said now he knew I was lying because the seat hadn't actually been moved, he had just said that to see my response. I should have left him then.

HolgerDanske · 08/10/2017 20:22

WTF??

I hope you told him to go?

HolgerDanske · 08/10/2017 20:24

Seriously, haven't RTFT but fuck me, I'd not want him in my home or in my life! expect that's what everyone else has already said, as well.

KitKat1985 · 08/10/2017 20:25

Yes, many red flags in his behaviour OP.

ducknose · 08/10/2017 20:32

The silver lining is that he works away. Next time he leaves, change the locks.