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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner out all night

55 replies

Msmuesli · 08/10/2017 18:22

A little advise needed please.
Dp was invited to a colleagues stag do and wedding. So stag do was last weekend Saturday DP left at around 5pm saying he wouldn't be too late (not a close or old friend just a work colleague). No text or anything to say that his plans had changed and he wouldn't be home, phone was off and he finally turned back at house at 5.30pm Sunday saying he had poisoned himself and had stayed over at someone's house but he hadnt called all day sunday which i thought was unthoughtful as i was worried. When I asked why he hadn't let me know he said he couldn't get signal? We live in a major city in south east so signal is not an issue.
So yesterday was the wedding, he went out about midday and when I woke up at around 6am he wasn't back. When I asked him what time he got in he said about 2am, so I said that I was still awake then and he wasn't and that I had got up for drink at 6 and still no sign he said I was lying!
So far he has spent £700 on the two weekends which in itself seems unreasonable to me as we are really struggling at the moment and with the staying out as well it seems to be taking the piss to me what do you think AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Msmuesli · 08/10/2017 18:47

I can't get maintenance as ex lives abroad.

OP posts:
Justdontknow4321 · 08/10/2017 18:57

How is it even possible that you have never seen him unlock his phone in 9 years!? Wow.

So he never goes on it at all when your around? I have to unlock my phone every time I pick it up... it would be near impossible to never do it in front of my partner ...

He's majorly taking the piss, the fact he did it 2 weekends in a trot as well basically tells you how much he doesn't give a shit.

Bin him.

Blondehairblackroots · 08/10/2017 19:04

Talk to him first
But go with your gut feeling

Original poster
Msmuesli · 08/10/2017 19:05

well I have obviously seen him use his phone but we don't sit around staring at phones so what I meant is he has answered it around me (but always goes into the garden to talk whoever it is) and I have never seen the screen as he enters his pass-code. TBH I had never thought about it but yes I guess as I write it it does seem odd. He knows all of my passwords but I am not particularly secretive so only have a password so that kids cant spend a fortune without realising it.
We aren't friends on FB or anything as that is how the previous woman contacted me so I unfriended him as I could do without the hassle.
This makes me sound like a doormat but that's just how it kind of evolved.

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Mumanddadtoone · 08/10/2017 19:35

Your confidence is getting destroyed staying, you deserve better. Get rid as soon as you can.

Justdontknow4321 · 08/10/2017 19:38

Sorry, that's what I meant, never seen the screen when he enters the pin.
Not being friends on Facebook is kinda odd, can you actually see his Facebook? Does it even say in a relationship ?

What does your gut tell you that he's been doing the last 2 weekends? Do you think he's just drank way to much and stayed out or do you think he's been up to anything? X

Original poster
Msmuesli · 08/10/2017 19:39

Thanks mumanddadtoone yeah I think you are right I am sat in tears wondering what to do and I do know this can't go on, he has fallen asleep on sofa now so guess getting anything out of him tonight is not going to happen. Half term is coming up at the end of this week so think I will take kids and stay with an old friend to get some perspective.
I really appreciate your advise thank you all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Msmuesli · 08/10/2017 19:40

Justdontknow4321
My gut tells me he is lying I have no idea what about but something is wrong.

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Mumanddadtoone · 08/10/2017 19:44

Does he have a phone that uses his thumb print as a passcode? I'd stick his bloody thumb on it whilst he was asleep!

Original poster
Msmuesli · 08/10/2017 19:46

No he has never publicly said he is in a relationship with me on FB Justdontknow4321 that in itself has never really bothered me as he is here most of the time so putting it as a status just seems childlike but maybe that was me just making excuses to make myself feel better.
I have no issue if he had just drank too much I do understand these things happen but the lying about it is what is doing my head in.

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loveisevol · 08/10/2017 19:48

Aww this man has worn you down. You sound so sad. He sounds like an arse. Please value yourself. You can do better than this.

Original poster
Msmuesli · 08/10/2017 19:54

Mumanddadtoone
Ha I dont even know if he has that type of phone or not, its a samsung I think but I have no idea what type I would be far too frightened to do that if he woke up all hell would break loose.
My phone is so old it doesn't get internet so the whole phone thing is somet6hing I get told about by my 12 year old and take very little notice.

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Mumanddadtoone · 08/10/2017 19:59

I feel for you, it sounds like he's trained you to accept his behaviour (thats not a criticism of you).
You would start to see everything more clearly if you got away from him.

FantasticButtocks · 08/10/2017 20:10

You deserve to be treated better than this. And respected. Flowers

Original poster
Msmuesli · 08/10/2017 20:38

Yeah thanks he just got up to make cup of tea after i had put younger DD & DS down I stupidly brought it up, I tried to sound casual but he hit the roof I thought he was going to wack me but he didn't. My ex was violent so I really can't cope with anger it terrifies me. Think it's best to just leave it till next week when I can get away.
I have got 2 kids in bed but 12 year old up and no doubt they can all hear.
Sorry feel crappy even writing this we are safe he won't do anything if I give him a wide birth.
This is so fucked up I'm going to have an early night and sort my head out tomorrow.
Sorry when I started this I didn't think it would escalate was just wanting some balance

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Mumanddadtoone · 08/10/2017 20:50

Oh Muesli, he's fucking horrible. You sound so lovely, I hope you manage to break away from him, you are worth so much more than this.

SandyY2K · 08/10/2017 21:26

Has he ever respected you? He sounds awful. Just awful.

Start planning to be free of him.

AdaColeman · 08/10/2017 21:38

The fact that he reacted in such an overblown way to your casual question tells you a lot.

He is trying to intimidate you and bully you into accepting his behaviour.

You don't even really know if he was at the wedding, has he shown you any photos? Can you look on FaceCrap at others who might have been there, see if you can spot him in group photos?

Be careful mind.

category12 · 08/10/2017 22:19

Good grief, you unfriended him on FB to avoid the possibility of other women contacting you?

You sound really beaten down.

If he's chucking away £700 when he feels like it, yet you can't buy a new outfit, it doesn't sound as though he's actually making your life easier financially. You may also be overestimating how much he brings in vs his expenditure - household bills, groceries, etc would go down without him. Look into what support you might get on your own.

Alfiemoon1 · 08/10/2017 23:17

He sounds awful and you seem so lovely and deserve so much better. £700 when you are struggling is ridiculous

Original poster
Msmuesli · 09/10/2017 13:55

Thanks for all the support folks,
I have done a bit of digging on the internet today whilst I was supposed to be working and it turns out the venue he said the wedding reception was in had an all day event on Saturday which finished at 10pm so something is obviously wrong with what he is saying happened.
Nothing I can do now until kids have broken up for half term on Friday so there is no point in questioning him any further as he is obviously going to continue with his fabrication of a story and I cant see any reason to hear any more as it just makes me sad and tbh a bit MAD!

Its really good to be able to come on here and get some other points of view so thanks again - guess its the first day of the rest of my life and all that.

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sadie9 · 09/10/2017 14:04

I would ring the wedding venue and say your friend left her scarf there at the wedding, and asked you to see if they have it. They may still have had a wedding there as well? Seems odd he would make up a wedding that you might have actually gone to with him....surely he could come up with a better plan that you'd never go to. Also, did you not ask him to show you pictures of the bride? What her dress was like, what they had to eat, etc?
Does your DP do drugs, like cocaine for example? That would explain the staying out all night too.

Ilovevegas · 09/10/2017 14:05

In my bitter experience when they get angry when asked/confronted about something it's usually because they're guilty Confused they will lie & lie until they can lie no more then they will tell you the bear minimum Confused

You don't deserve this OP. How awful for you.

Do you work op? Check out what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent. I know it seems a lot to take on & daunting but your & your DC's future happiness depends on it.

Good luck

Original poster
Msmuesli · 09/10/2017 14:17

Thanks Vegas yes I have been checking out benefits I am self employed so its not as straight forward as it could be, my mum used to work for CAB so I am sure she can advise me on what I should be getting when I make a move. Brighton rent are extortionate so I cant afford to stay here as most of what I get will go straight to the landlord if I do my mother lives on welsh border so I guess I will look at moving that way as then she can help out with the kids a bit.

Christ it all seems like a bit of a whirlwind but I think I am formulating a plan of sorts. I have contacted my friend so she knows we are coming at the end of the week and says we can stay there for as long as we need, the schools are test running a new scheme of a fortnights holiday for half term so I guess its quite good timing on one level.

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Original poster
Msmuesli · 09/10/2017 14:19

Not sure I care what he was doing any more Sadie as the fact that he got so angry with me for asking is unreasonable and the only time he has behaved like that is when something was going on before.

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