Overweight adult DD, do you seriously not buy them food? What to do?

[geordiekate]

Hi, looking for advice here. I have an almost 19 yo DD and a 22 yo son. Youngest is overweight. Likes her food and obviously quite frankly that's her decision, what the hell can I do about it? She uses her money to go out, etc.

She does live at home with me and occasionally has the cooked food which I suppose isn't always diet kind of food but just fine for an average meal. DH thinks we are being unfair oh and I got her a cookie when we were out we went into town and got DS one as he was out with us. DH thinks we shouldn't be encouraging unhealthy foods. She is an adult though and surely I can't buy lunch or whatever for DS and not her. Seems odd but would like to know if my husband is right.

It sounds like you could all do with healthy eating and diet/nutrition information.
Why not do some meal planning and cut the crap out of your diet, I bet your health will improve too.

When did she start to become overweight?

That's really true Running, about social eating.
My 18yo SD meets friends for dinner out, or a coffee and cake.
That just didn't happen "in my day"
I'm 30 years older than her.

When I was 18, I don't think there was the same amount of money sloshing around - definitely not the same amount being given by parents to that age group. There weren't the many quite cheap (especially with offers) food chains around, or a Starbucks or Costa within 50m of anywhere you stand!

Also, pubs that were just for drinking still existed. Of course there are still pubs and bars - but almost all serve food.

I'm imagining my childhood small town high street... there simply weren't the same number of cafés, restaurants or choices.

So what exactly is your problem OP? You say your child is overweight but you don't want to sacrifice having your own junk food and your child isn't upset anyway. Are you looking for people to agree with you that you should crack on then?

If she's not wanting to loose weight then I think I'd leave well alone.

If she was trying to diet I might think differently but you've said she isn't bothered.

I probably wouldn't buy her crap food while I'm out and I wouldn't buy it for the house unless I specifically wanted it for myself.

I have huge sympathy geordie, my DC were not overweight when I was in control of their eating (my DD2 17, and still at home is slim) but as soon as they got money/social lives of their own they both became very overweight. When they are at home I try to provide healthy meals and snacks and when we eat out together I make little comments to show I am trying to make healthy choices. All to no avail. They are both happy and seemingly healthy.
My DM sometimes comments on my appearance and it tends to make me rebel by wearing even more things I know she disapproves of. I don't want my DC to feel I am critical of them they way I feel my DM is about me.
So no solutions. I know they are educated about nutrition and are capable of making healthy meals from scratch so I think I have to step back as they are adults and hope this is a quickly passed through stage.

I don’t think op eating a bit of ‘junk food’ in front of her kids is causing this

We can feed them healthily whilst we have control of them. As soon as they have their own cash and social life then it goes to pot!

If op eats a cookie, then later goes to the gym/for a run/swim/walk or whatever, then thats healthier than sitting on the sofa eating carrot sticks

crunched cross post!!

So I was supposed to only buy my son one?

I do. If I'm out with one of mine, I might buy something like that for the one that I'm with, but not the other. They don't need to have everything the same.

Mine are 11 and 18.

Was it a Millie’s/Greg’s cookie?

The cookie is a much bigger deal than it needs to be.
The lad who fancied a cookie in town had one. Fine. That should be the end of the cookie story.

How 'overweight' is the girl? Remember that there is ridiculous social pressure on women, in particular, to be very thin. She has every right to eat what she wants and not be thin. It's her choice whether or not to diet, or even to 'eat healthily'.

If you, as the person responsible for cooking/food shopping, decide to make family meals feature more salad and less cake, that's up to you, but it is not up to you to police your DD's eating, particularly if you are thinking of requiring her to eat 'healthier' food than the rest of the family because you or your DH have decided that she is not behaving like a suitably self-hating female adult.

350+ calories

That’s a 3-4 mile run for me.

If she exercised regularly and used a fitbit or similiar then she would recognise the value of foods and maybe rethink wasting precious calories on a cookie which is what? 6 bites?

I really fail to see why this is anything to do with either you or your DH. She doesn't have to be thin. Dieting is much, much worse for your health than being a bit chubby, or even quite fat.

Her body belongs to her. Not you, and certainly not your H. Leave her alone.

And, crunched, you should leave your kids alone, as well. They must be pretty tired of their mum nit-picking away at them about what they choose to eat, just because she's bought in to the fat-is-a-crime nonsense.

I know it is very frowned on on Mumsnet to mention weight to your kids. But since mine have been 16 or so I've been gently commenting if they are looking a little heavier than usual (after Christmas or after the intensity of A level revision) and encouraging them to the gym.

And actually nobody has had a hissy fit or accused me of body shaming them. And everyone in our house seems to be in the old fashioned habit of "watching your weight" and making small adjustments as necessary. I do comment when they are looking particularly fit and healthy too.

Your DD is an adult. You didn't force the cookie into her so it is her decision to eat it. She could have easily said no, if she did not want to eat it.
I would always offer people around me food, regardless of if I think they are overweight or not. If she ate healthily the rest of the day then not to worry.
I also would not change what I cook, perhaps portion size could be looked at. Women need a third less than men, which is easy to forget when dishing out to a whole family. I put on loads for a while as I used to serve the same for DH and myself until I caught on!
Don't worry, she will lose weight if she wants to. And then you can help her if she wants any help.

I agree with setting a good example and have healthy stuff in the house as much as possible but I think would be making too much of an issue of things to totally take away all that kind of food. You risk turning her into a secret eater if there is an outright ban.

Yes your husband is right. You can buy lunch for DS who is actually with you/walking and not buy a crappie cookie for DD whose sat at home.

What exactly do you mean by average meal?

It’s quite interesting that you take zero responsibility for her eating habits which she has developed over the last 20 years

solid being inactive and full of sugar is not in anyones best interests!!

@Ploppie4 the OP said she was with them

Coffee and cake/muffin just wasn't a thing when I was a teen 25 years ago
We used to go out lots with one crap sandwich and a drink to last most of the day. That wouldn't happen now!

I think it depends on if she's very big or just like a size 12 ? My mum was up my arse about my weight when I was a size 10/12 (I'm 5ft10) and it really made me awkward about my weight and body image. I lost a lot of weight even though I didn't need to or even want to.
Please be careful, unless she's very unhealthy.
I never told my mum but I really struggled with how her and my father went on at me about my weight, I was very depressed at the time too.

Maybe talk to her about healthier eating habits ?

Her body, her choice. She is an adult and she gets to decide how and what she eats. She doesn't want to lose weight, you can't make decisions about her body for her.