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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has my dh gone off me?

29 replies

Itshardtosharethis · 09/04/2007 21:26

Dont really know where to start with this,very hard for me to talk about this been blocking it out of my mind so far,and hae posted under an alias,as im embarassed about this.
Firstly dh and i have just had our first baby,we had a very very active sex life before ds as it took us over 2yrs to get him.But since i got pregnant dh has not snogged me and we havent had sex.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 09/04/2007 21:27

This has got to be very difficult for you.

Unfortunately, nobody on here can tell you what's up with your DH. It's possible he was uncomfortable with the idea of having sex while you were pregnant? Some people feel that way. It's possible there is something more complicated going on.

Have you spoken to him about it?

PeckaRolloverAgain · 09/04/2007 21:27

How old is your son?

fireflyfairy2 · 09/04/2007 21:28

Have you tried making the first move?

Some men are very sensitive & he may think you are not ready for sex?

Alternatively, some men tend to view their partners as "mums" after they've given birth & forget that you still need to be treated like a woman & a wife, not just a mum.

Are you the type try & talk about things? If so, try & have a chat with him.

Original poster
Itshardtosharethis · 09/04/2007 21:28

i have mentioned this and dh just says he loves me but he knows im tired,as im up with ds in the night and am really deicated to him at the moment.We always kiss each other every night but its a peck and nothing more
i have just tried to kiss dh and me told me not to be silly and of course he loves me....

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 09/04/2007 21:29

Do you want to have sex? Or are you just upset that he doesn't want to?

Either way, you need to talk to him. Not in the bedroom, not at bedtime, away from all that.

Bucketsofdynomite · 09/04/2007 21:33

Oh you poor thing.
You need to find him a Dadsnet site, he sounds like he is bottling things up and trying to protect you from it and now it's just gone so far he can't break the ice. Tell him you'd like to discuss it, that you're feeling strong enough to hear whatever he has to say but maybe he needs to 'practise' discussing it with someone else first.

Original poster
Itshardtosharethis · 09/04/2007 21:33

we both agreed when we were pg no sex as i had had 3 early mcs and we didnt want to jeopardise anything our ds is 4 mths.Its not the sex its the kissing thing,i still need affection,im worried that he is getting it elsewhere as before we were pg he was touching me all the time,and now nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itshardtosharethis · 09/04/2007 21:35

dh is not a talker never has been and he would never discuss this with anyone.

OP posts:
Bucketsofdynomite · 09/04/2007 21:40

OK, but maybe lurking on a dad site he might find others in similar circs.
Do you feel ready for sex yourself? It really is the best icebreaker and heals so many things. He may even talk about things afterwards (in the dark iyswim.)

Original poster
Itshardtosharethis · 09/04/2007 21:44

bucketsofdynamite yes and no yes i still want him to want me,but i had tear and alot of stitches so feel pretty nervous about the whole thing.I used to dress up (sexy underwear stockings and all that)but just done feel sexy right now after just having ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itshardtosharethis · 09/04/2007 21:47

i really am starting to wonder if he is getting it elsewhere,as all physical contact has gone,we cuddle up on the sofa when we canand hold hands whilst watching tv at times,again when a 4 mth old permits.He has given me no signs he is having an affair and i do trust him completely.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 09/04/2007 22:04

I don't think it sounds like he's having an affair. It sounds like he's gone through a lot, is very happy you have your DS, but is maybe having trouble adjusting? (As we all do!)

I totally understand about not feeling like dressing up sexy ... can you try to initiate more physical contact without putting pressure on him? Give him a backrub, hold hands, that kind of thing? Or try to get an evening to yourselves, by hook or by crook?

Original poster
Itshardtosharethis · 09/04/2007 22:08

notquite its like i feel strange doing this its like ive forgotton how to press his buttons

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 09/04/2007 22:13

It will come back to you. And anyway, sex may well be different between you now - life changes things, one way or another.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 09/04/2007 22:14

is it possible that the not kissing is down to him not wanting to be turned on iyswim? i.e. often you might kiss passionately and ths would lead to sex, but if you'd agreed no sex during your pregnancy he backed off from everything else because it felt like forbidden fruit to him if that makes sense? and now that you've had the baby it's been so long that he doesn't know how to go back?

also, and I really am sorry to ask this, is it possible your dh found the birth traumatic? esp as you say you tore etc. I've read that some men have difficulty relating to their wives in a sexual way once they've seen a baby being born out of there iykwim.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 09/04/2007 22:16

are you a regular? did you post regularly on conception/antinatal boards?

if you are who I think you are feel free to email me x

Debbsyandson · 09/04/2007 22:22

yes wannabe you do know me,i think thats the case because every time we did kiss it would always lead to great sex

Debbsyandson · 09/04/2007 22:24

oh shit shit shit ive outed myself cos i didnt change my name back feel very silly now.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/04/2007 22:26

Ah, don't stress about it, people are always outing themselves, and it's hardly like you've posted anything horrible.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/04/2007 22:27

Oh, and I think wannabe has some good ideas there, too.

Debbsyandson · 09/04/2007 22:30

We have talked about ds birth, friday as it happens,he doesnt seem upset about it,he only looked for the head moment,and he laughs about it,he just says its brutal for a woman bt we both say this iyswim.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 09/04/2007 22:36

thought it was you. don't worry, people out themselves sometimes - it happens.

if he won't talk about it, could you write him a letter? something along the lines of:

"I know that it's kind of odd me writing to you, but I really need to talk about this, and I feel that the best way to express myself is to put it down in writing. you know that before ds was born we had a very active sex life, and while I was pregnant with him we agreed not to have sex so as not to jeperdize the pregnancy. But it wasn't just sex - the affection seems to have gone from our relationship as well. when I try to kiss you I only get a peck on the lips, never a full-on kiss any more, and I'm no longer pregnant, so there's really no need to not be intimate any more. Thing is, every time I try to get close to you, you seem to have a reason not to recipricate, and it's left me wondering if I've done something, or whether you just don't feel the same about me in that way any more. You know that ds is our number 1 priority, but you're my husband and that hasn't changed, and I haven't stopped loving you or wanting you just because I've had a baby. It's still important for us to have time for us as a couple, but if you don't want to be with me like that then it does make me feel rejected. please be honest with me. I would rather know if you don't fancy me any more, rather than having to keep wondering".

get a babysitter, cook him a lovely meal, and then give him the letter while you're cooking, and then you can talk about it over dinner. if he can't talk, ask him to write. it's often a lot easier to put how you're feeling/thinking down on paper than it is to verbalize it. But you do have to talk about it, because the longer it continues, the more it will become the norm iykwim.

Debbsyandson · 09/04/2007 22:40

wannabe its like you have got inside my head,thats brilliant thank you so much,this is exactly how i feel.ive blocked this out of my mind and swallowed the tears for weeks now,really hope it isnt that he has gone off me if it is where do we go from there?

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 09/04/2007 22:52

for now I would assume that he hasn't, but that what started out as something to protect your unborn child became so much the norm that he can't see a way back. if you haven't had sex for .. I imagine then it must be a year? it's hard to instigate that again, almost like starting over with the intimate part of your relationship, and now that you've had a baby your body has changed. he may be afraid of hurting you, he may be afraid that it will be different to how he remembers, but it's easier to just not do anything than to face those fears, because if those fears are realized then he may be afraid of the consequences i.e. that it will change your relationship.

children change your life irreverseably, but with time, and most importantly communication, you can get back on track.

Debbsyandson · 09/04/2007 22:52

got 2 go nanite xx