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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red flags?

43 replies

Mirrormirrorotw · 05/10/2017 23:02

Met a guy a while back. We dated for a few weeks. He was pretty full on straight away: brought me flowers and wanted to bring them around before he knew where Ilived, brought me more flowers, insisted on fixing my car, insisted on paying for everything, talked to me every day, was overly concerned when I was ill. He disappeared a few weeks later.

Fast forward - my life has turned to hell, I'm in a privations very vulnerable position with no friends nor family support.

Me and this man reconnect by chance and I've sort of fallen into a relationship with him. Tonight we were discussing my position right now and he pointed out things weren't that desperate. I said 'not yet'.

He went quiet and I asked him what was the matter. He then told me I'd made him feel like a cunt. I asked him why. He said I'd basically said that he wouldn't make sure I was safe and that I came across as he'll 'do' foe now. I apologised and explained what I meant was that I will never ever allow myself to be in such a precarious position again and so yes, the situation right now does seem desperate to me because I'm about to be homeless (caveat: I've got a history of abusive relationships)

The look on his face bothered me. He let it go butting seemed such an overreaction on his part.

I'm in trouble, aren't I?

OP posts:
WomanEmpire · 05/10/2017 23:05

For me, yes, massive red flags from the beginning. The insistence on paying for everything (although I do understand if financial situations are very different, then this is perfectly normal)

Then he disappeared?

Please don't rely on someone who might just 'disappear' OP. Doesn't sound like you need anymore negativity in your life.

Flowers
flutterby12 · 05/10/2017 23:06

Where did he go? He sounds very full on. Are you in a refuge? It might be worth calling women's aid. Hope you're ok Flowers

Original poster
Mirrormirrorotw · 05/10/2017 23:10

He says he disappeared because he didn't feel good enough for me.

OP posts:
Bumdishcloths · 05/10/2017 23:12

So he laid the blame for his disappearance with you, essentially.

Red flag.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/10/2017 23:13

Whole field of red flags.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 05/10/2017 23:15

No no and no.

Didn't feel good enough so he just acted like a cunt and did the vanishing act? Sure. The other one has bells on.

The very full on behaviour from the beginning would be a huge red flag for me.

Probably why I'm long term single but have managed avoid (once very narrowly as he dated a friend of mine for years and was violent to her) what were probably abusive men.

Sometimes in a way I doubt myself too OP but perhaps in the opposite way to you. Perhaps I don't give enough changes IFYWIM ? I think sometimes maybe it's better this way, to be single and free than with someone and not.

Lalalanded · 05/10/2017 23:17

No. Just, no.

This is a white knight wannabe who will end up being controlling. And who will fast forward the relationship before you realise it - so you rely on him and can't get out. Or who will promise security and love and then never deliver.

Yes you are in a bit of trouble. There are men who will pay for dinner and help out because they're good, but those men don't insist, and they don't disappear, and they don't tell you that you make them feel like a cunt. They just don't - the good men (in my experience) will consult with you first to understand your situation and what makes you feel comfortable. As you would, I imagine, in the opposite situation.

Certainly , don't let him have agency over your life and keep your emotions your own. And do not let him convince you that he can fix things.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 05/10/2017 23:20

Actually looking back im horrified at just how many men like that there are out there.

I've avoided (more by luck than anything else I have to say) at least 2 I know who were violent and 3 others that I mow realise were exhibiting massive red flags the size of Gibraltar. But I didn't know that at the time. Sone rejected on the others rejected me. Thank fuck.

But presumably all of them found victims somewhere Sad

WomanEmpire · 05/10/2017 23:20

Reading the reason he left, definite red flag (if there weren't enough already)

userxx · 05/10/2017 23:20

No no no just no.

Original poster
Mirrormirrorotw · 05/10/2017 23:40

I thought so, now how to get myself out of it. I'm trying so hard in many ways to keep myself safe - my life is unravelling that badly with services that just seem to be disjointed and failing me. I'm waiting on answers from various agencies, none of whom seems to really be joined up. I keep getting passed around.

OP posts:
userxx · 05/10/2017 23:44

Just say you have too much going on in your life at the moment and you need to concentrate on yourself so are better off being single for the time being.

Original poster
Mirrormirrorotw · 06/10/2017 09:02

I don't think saying 'thanks, but no thanks' is going to be that easy.

OP posts:
FridayFreddo · 06/10/2017 09:05

You seem to have quite a negative attitud to things - you 'just fell' into a relationship, you met up 'by chance', you 'don't think it's going to be easy' ending it.

It can be as easy as you make it. Just tell him firmly that you don't want a relationship. Take responsibility for yourself! Tell him you need to focus on yourself. Then block him.

Maybe do the Freedom Programme so you can change your mindset for future relationships?

Original poster
Mirrormirrorotw · 06/10/2017 11:01

I'm still waiting on The Freedom programme

OP posts:
TheSockGoblin · 06/10/2017 11:19

If you are waiting on the Freedom Program and your life is falling apart this is not a good time to be around someone who seems to take offence at any implication he can't be your holy saviour (but who also blames you when he disappears).

This has red flags all over it, and it sounds like you are priming yourslef to get into another absuive relationship.

You say that your life is falling apart right now, so why are you using your precious energy thinking about and reacting to a man who is clearly only going to cause you more hassle?

thereallochnessmonster · 06/10/2017 11:52

Agree with the Sock Goblin.

Have you done any reading on the subject or anything to help you change your mindset and stop repeating bad patterns of behaviour?

If you look at www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/book.php there are books you can buy that will teach you about boundaries and abusive behaviour so you can spot it in your own life and relationships.

Other people have also recommended Lundy Bancroft's book -www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Time to be a bit more proactive and start making positive changes to your life? Don't let other people dictate how you will live!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/10/2017 12:07

Why won't it be as easy as saying thanks but no thanks? What's the problem you anticipate?

Original poster
Mirrormirrorotw · 06/10/2017 12:31

He's been good to me etc etc - I'm expecting he'll feel I should be obligated to him.

OP posts:
userxx · 06/10/2017 14:14

You are obliged to no one, regardless if they have been good to you or treated you like shit. You owe him nothing. I think you are over thinking things here. Cross that bridge if and when it occurs.

TheSockGoblin · 06/10/2017 14:23

Even if he believes you are obligated to him - does that mean you actually are obligated?

You're giving this man a lot of power without even knowing for sure what he is going to want, think or feel.

To me, it sounds like he's a distraction. I'm not berating you here, sometimes it's easier to focus on letting someone else take control. You carry on with him, he becomes abusive (you've already spotted the signs) and you can focus on that instead of the life falling apart stuff that's happening. It's a diversion.

Seems to me like right now you're at a crossroads. You can go into recovery from your previous abusive relationships and begin to work your life issues through so that you can sort them out.

Or you can stick with what you know, get into another abusive relationship and have your life spin further out of control.

At this stage, it is very much a choice. Not an appealing choice since dealing with getting your life back together when things are rough is hard (I've been there so I do sympathise), nor is being in an abusive relationship (been there too).

But there is a choice here. Time to decide what you really need and want.

I really do wish you all the best. Flowers

thereallochnessmonster · 06/10/2017 15:34

Great message, Sock Goblin. I agree.

I'm expecting he'll feel I should be obligated to him.

So what? Don't anticipate problems. You don't owe him anything.

Original poster
Mirrormirrorotw · 06/10/2017 17:50

He is probably a distraction, in part, and also a reason for me to not do something stupid because someone is relying on me to be around.

The thing I suppose I'm really struggling with is the issue of me owing him nothing: he's listened, he's tried to distract me from the shit I'm going through by playing the comedian (he really did make me laugh) and he's gotten me out and about since I'm really struggling leaving the house on my own (even for important appointments). No, I haven't made him do these things but just walking away without so much as a 'thanks' seems wrong to me - perhaps it has something to do with how I was brought up: I always felt beholden to my parents for every single thing and if I didn't behave/do what they wanted the typical line of 'after everything we've done for you' was trotted out...and I've experienced the same in friendships and relationships ever since. I feel like I am the issue, I am the burden, I am the selfish one.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 06/10/2017 19:13

He did a disappearing act and blamed you. Now you're in an awful situation but he's blaming you again for not anticipating how your awful situation is affecting him.

Run, Mirror, run away very fast.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/10/2017 20:08

You can say thanks. It would be normal to say thanks.

It would be "Thanks for the help last time we were together and thanks for your offer of help now you are back. Right now I don't want to be in a relationship. I need to be on my own. It is best if we don't see each other any more. Goodbye."

You can do that by text if you can't trust yourself to stay strong in person.