How would you respond to this message?!

[Pepperpotts66]

Guy I've been seeing a few months used to text me constantly and suddenly reduced the amount he was texting. In the end I confronted him and asked him if he'd gone off me. He said no and "you don't need to worry, I'm really into you xxx"

We then arranged a new date for tomorrow. Anyway this week the messaging has been almost non existent and I could sense he was really stressed so I just backed off him. Yesterday he sent me a wall of text about some difficulties he was having where he's currently living. I replied asking if talking over the phone would help him. Got no response.

He's just sent me this:

"Sorry I went to bed early, too much going on atm. I've had a rough couple of years with issues, been off work for nearly a year during that time. Meeting you was really good, felt right but I've managed to get myself into a bit of a pickle this week, had yesterday off which helped. I just don't want you thinking it's you, it's me... Thought I was over most of this crap but alot of stuff has been happening the past few weeks. Xxx how has your day been? I'm chilling out, had to change my day off to Wednesday, have to work tomorrow instead 😞 going to watch wind river in a bit. What you up to? Xxx"

Have no idea how to respond to him to best help him. My heart is breaking for him. He's only been with 2 girls before me, long term relationships. First one was a chronic alcoholic who ended up abusing him. Second one dumped him the day he gave up his life in London to move in with her. So he's been treated like rubbish. I know he was scared when he first met me about how strong his feelings were at first.

I know from seeing his messaging/WhatsApp that he hardly messages people and if he does they're one word answers so this big message is really out of character. Also he never sends that many kisses to me.

I really like him and feel like he could be the one but have no idea how to help him or what to say.

He's trying to let you down gently. I wouldn't reply.

Whole massiveoad of excuses and shite, which translated means "I'm just not that into you".

And your date tomorrow is off.

Just reply "that's a shame. I hope you feel better soon".

Then don't ever text him again, and move on.

I know he was scared when he first met me about how strong his feelings were at first.

Yep. Sure he was.

I'm sorry, OP, but you've been taken for a ride.

At best, he sounds immature and dull. Is he really the best you can do? Really??

Everyone has a past - find someone who is able to deal with it. He sounds like a total mess and that isn't something you should have to deal with in a new relationship. He needs to sort himself before involving others in his life.

How would I have responded? Not as bluntly as most of the people here! I think I'd say 'thanks for being honest, sounds like you've had a tough time. Hope to see you soon. Take care.' Offering some sympathy and leaving the ball firmly in his court.

Similar to Join, ‘sounds like you’ve got a lot on so we’ll catch up soon’. Then if he doesn’t contact you again, you’ll know.

he wants to be fixed. you want to fix him. terrible basis for a relationship im afraid.

also what shit could he possibly have that stops him texting?

I think I'd say 'thanks for being honest, sounds like you've had a tough time. Hope to see you soon. Take care.'

^^ This.

The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person.

Also... red flags galore. Sorry, OP.

Ignore

He's messing you about.

Move on.

I knew before I read the actual text it was going to be a gentle let down text. Op you sound really caring - don't waste any more of it on this bloke who ha more issues than vogue!

Ain’t nobody got time for that shit!

Kick him to the kerb.

Girlfriend.

'Meeting you was really good, felt right but I've managed to get myself into a bit of a pickle this week, had yesterday off which helped.'

I'm sensing that meeting you was distracting him away from his problems but something has changed for him? I'd ask him.

Back away.
He's pushing you away gently. So take the hint, keep your dignity. And as pp has suggested.....just say... You have a lot on by sounds of It, concentrate on that . Good luck and take care.
Leave it at that. Please!

I like Join's response minus the "hope to see you soon".

Then move on. You need a bloke you can have fun with not be sitting around worrying about.
Good luck OP.

Either he’s trying to let you down gently but doesn’t have the balls to say it outright, or he genuinely has major issues. But either way, he sounds like bad news OP. I would send a polite reply and move on.

I don’t read it as letting you down gently. Was he off work for a year with anxiety and depression? Relationships do bring up issues for people who’ve had traumatic relationships in the past. Whether he’s worth sticking with, only you know.

Only he can resolve these things though. So if I’m guessing correctly, he will need to put a lot of work in to sorting himself out and not expect you to do it all for him.

Straycatblue's strategy for picking out the salient points is really helpful. The message is quite clear if you think about it, OP. What will you do with it now that it's there in black and white, is the question?

I read your other thread, about last weeks date.

Ditch this guy, and no more meeting the kids. He's taking the piss, big time and is going to really hurt you.

Please Please Please back off

This could have been written by my very charismatic, very in the end abusive ex partner. I wasted years on it, felt like you, like the world had treated him badly, that I could save him.
Look at the language he is using already, really dramatic, victim statements, very passive like everything is happening to him. protect yourself if you can

I have not read the full thread. When I first met my now DH, he was where this man was. He had been royally shafted by his ex when the divorce was her fault 100% and his job had treated him in the most despicable way possible. His Mum had died and it had all been too much and he was ill. Really ill. I could have walked away but instead I decided to try and find out the nature of his problems so I could gauge his personality before I did a bunk. I needed to know if he was a screw up or just looked like a screw up.
I met him for coffee at 11 am and we were still talking at eight that evening. He had tried three different types of counsellors (arranged through his job) and they had not helped him because once the hour is up, the hour is up and some things take more than a chuffing hour to get off your chest. I came away and he texted me to say he felt better than he had in two years. We met again and again and he got well. We have been married sixteen years. He's not some leech or a screw up, he had had a chain of shite things happen and no-one to talk to worth a dime. He's been fine ever since and has helped me through some heavy stuff too. His basic personality is actually very balanced. If you are genuinely interested, talk to him and try and drill down to what has gone on. Some things in life mess you up, we all know this surely? In the drilling, you will get a better picture of his personality and you can judge from that, but at least you'll know.

I'm sorry if you like him but It sounds like a bunch of excuses to me. I have no idea why he would want to put you off in the initial dating bit by saying stuff like that - it's not really attractive is it ...

Play it cool - I'd reply "Oh no that sounds complicated. best of luck"