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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you respond to this message?!

72 replies

Pepperpotts66 · 05/10/2017 17:29

Guy I've been seeing a few months used to text me constantly and suddenly reduced the amount he was texting. In the end I confronted him and asked him if he'd gone off me. He said no and "you don't need to worry, I'm really into you xxx"

We then arranged a new date for tomorrow. Anyway this week the messaging has been almost non existent and I could sense he was really stressed so I just backed off him. Yesterday he sent me a wall of text about some difficulties he was having where he's currently living. I replied asking if talking over the phone would help him. Got no response.

He's just sent me this:

"Sorry I went to bed early, too much going on atm. I've had a rough couple of years with issues, been off work for nearly a year during that time. Meeting you was really good, felt right but I've managed to get myself into a bit of a pickle this week, had yesterday off which helped. I just don't want you thinking it's you, it's me... Thought I was over most of this crap but alot of stuff has been happening the past few weeks. Xxx how has your day been? I'm chilling out, had to change my day off to Wednesday, have to work tomorrow instead 😞 going to watch wind river in a bit. What you up to? Xxx"

Have no idea how to respond to him to best help him. My heart is breaking for him. He's only been with 2 girls before me, long term relationships. First one was a chronic alcoholic who ended up abusing him. Second one dumped him the day he gave up his life in London to move in with her. So he's been treated like rubbish. I know he was scared when he first met me about how strong his feelings were at first.

I know from seeing his messaging/WhatsApp that he hardly messages people and if he does they're one word answers so this big message is really out of character. Also he never sends that many kisses to me.

I really like him and feel like he could be the one but have no idea how to help him or what to say.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 05/10/2017 18:54

To be honest I would be a bit meh about someone who said 'I'm really into you' , seems a weird expression for anyone with any maturity, or maybe it's just me and people do talk to each other like this and I'm out of touch!!!

PsychedelicSheep · 05/10/2017 19:11

Even if he was still into it (which I don’t think he is), he sounds like he has way too many issues for this to be a fun and relaxed relationship. It would put me right off him tbh.

MiniTheMinx · 05/10/2017 19:19

Sounds like a very elaborate way of cancelling a date.
I don't know how you should reply
He is hoping you won't know how to reply
He wants sympathy so that you are kept dangling
He wants you to stick around just in case he feels like bothering with you.

That's my instinct, could be entirely wrong and he really does have this much crap going on in his life. Do you really want to take on a project? Sounds like hard work.

NorthandSouth98374 · 05/10/2017 19:31

Don't reply. He's playing games, messing with your head and cancelling on you like it's nothing. He is not worth your time, and his problems are just to garner your sympathy.

tadpole73 · 05/10/2017 19:33

Talks in schools, colleges, universities, large companies for employees.
Groups held monthly in libraries, village halls, do a drop-in surgery once a month and get others on board from organisations dealing with housing/financiers/legal

SeaCabbage · 05/10/2017 19:39

Say "ooh, sounds tricky, well look forward to seeing you tomorrow."

Then you can chat face to face tomorrow. Properly. And see what's going on.

Loopytiles · 05/10/2017 19:41

I couldn’t be arsed with self pitying shite on texts and no phone chats: not a real way to have a relationship.

Straycatblue · 05/10/2017 19:49

If you think he's a genuine guy then he's probably not playing games in the sense that hes deliberately trying to mislead you but it sounds like he wants to back off and doesnt know how to do it. Peoples feelings do change and most men are bad at ending things esp when they do like the person but just not enough to be in a relationship with them.
Writing a long message when he normally doesnt and inc lots of kisses almost sounds guilty, ie like someone who gets nervous and rambles.
Read what hes actually written , "hidden in plain sight" these are the phrases that jump out....

"too much going on atm"
"Meeting you was really good, felt right BUT......"
"don't want you thinking it's you, it's me... "
"Thought I was over most of this crap BUT..."

beesandknees · 05/10/2017 19:50

He sounds like a massive game player and I would be immediately put off.

I'd respond by saying "ohh sounds touch. are you cancelling our date, or am I misunderstanding? Please let me know as I have childcare lined up x"

He will then probably say "yes I'm cancelling" (in as roundabout a way as possible), along with a bunch of self pitying tripe intended to keep you thinking that he's into you, while simulatenously absolving him of any expectation of dating you. This is intended to keep you on the back burner in case he needs an ego boost / no strings encounter in future.

I would then graciously accept his cancellation, block him, and file under D for Dipshit.

Why is your heart "breaking" for him?

Angryangryyoungwoman · 05/10/2017 19:52

Sounds to me as though he has depression

SquirrelWatcher · 05/10/2017 19:54

Sounds like too much hard work at this stage! And I would take his version of his ex's with a MASSIVE pinch of salt - even if they were.....not the nicest - why is he telling you this ? What does it say about him that this is what he shares with a new person?

Bufferingkisses · 05/10/2017 19:58

He's playing you!

Sob story, sob story, sob story... plan change - no apology... feel bad for me, don't argue.

Seriously, if he was so bothered by you he'd have called and said "having a rubbish time, taking today off not tomorrow so can we meet tonight? Sorry to change at short notice"

Stop being a bleeding heart.

Bananacabana · 05/10/2017 20:01

Yep I agree he is playing you. Bulk of the relationship by text, going quiet just before you meet, sob story to get your sympathy he can then behave how he wants and get away with it. His text is vague yet he suggests he has massive issues then lightly changes the subject. I smell a rat. Sorry OP.

LonginesPrime · 05/10/2017 20:07

Have no idea how to respond to him to best help him

Erm, don't?

As PPs have said, don't try to fix him and raise your standards.

I was like you once, and wasted years with losers who were lost in the world and needed my help.

It's bollocks, OP. Move on and find someone who deserves you.

lookatyourwatchnow · 05/10/2017 20:30

I’m going to echo what everybody else said. It’s pretty unanimous OP. Sorry he’s been such a dick though. Just ghost him.

donners312 · 05/10/2017 20:54

just reply - 'no worries' or if you feel like being nice "i hope you feel better soon.

then block him and find someone else!!

Hunkle · 05/10/2017 20:57

Move on.

How do you know who else he is texting?

DemonBaby · 05/10/2017 20:58

Eh? Why is your "heart breaking for him"?

Dafspunk · 05/10/2017 21:00

Get rid.

MadMags · 05/10/2017 21:01

Get out x 100000000

AmazingGrace16 · 05/10/2017 21:04

If you like him then be there for him. It sounds like he needs someone to talk things through with.
I guess it depends how you view this...there could be a relationship somewhere down the line but it sounds like that's not right now.
If this is ok with you then great.

I like that he's been so honest and opened up with you.

Maybe respond with something like "thank you for being so open with me. I respect and like you so if you'd like to chat more I'm around on x date for a drink. No pressure and we can just chat but I'd like to keep you in my life"

Nb: I've never done the dating thing so this might be terrible advice!

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 05/10/2017 21:11

It doesn't sound good to me OP. As Straycatblue, his intentions are "hidden in plain sight" and it sounds very much like he's trying to prime you so you can expect to be dumped in the next week or so because he has "too much shit" in his life and "can't give you the relationship you deserve" (or similar BS many men spout when they don't want the woman to take being dumped personally). Classic "it's me not you". Always remember that actions speak louder than words and that if a man is into you he will do everything he can to make that clear. That does not involve cancelling a date and not even trying to rearrange there and then in my experience.

Fantasticmissfoxy · 05/10/2017 21:13

Sounds like hard work - Id move on

PsychedelicSheep · 05/10/2017 21:18

I can’t believe he actually said ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. What a fucking tool.

TurnipCake · 05/10/2017 21:20

If you like him then be there for him. It sounds like he needs someone to talk things through with.

He can pay a therapist for that

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