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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Birthday tea without dh

69 replies

Borris · 05/10/2017 15:31

Would you expect a reasonable partner to object to a little tea party with cake and candles being held for dd by the grandparents a week before her actual birthday when he wasn't there. (By choice not not invited )

There would still be a cake and candles on her actual birthday and a party with cake etc on a weekend.

OP posts:

ImListening · 05/10/2017 20:14

But it’s not insignificant is it? It upsets you, you’re trying to be a good daughter, sister & wife & he is being EA. There’s no other word for it.

I would be devastated if I couldn’t take my dcs to my parents for a few days without stressing about it!

Time to think on your relationship me thinks.

I couldn’t live like that.

ilovemykitchenaid · 05/10/2017 20:18

It’s a cake. Your DD will
Love it. Why would he not want he to have it. It’s about her not him.

Loopytiles · 05/10/2017 20:31

Red flags for emotional abuse.

MulhuddartDrive · 05/10/2017 20:36

How will he know about it? If he's going to be awkward I wouldn't bother telling him. I think it sounds like a nice thing and lovely that your family want to celebrate your child.

DillyDilly · 05/10/2017 20:38

I can’t see how you’d have to mention it to your DH in advance. Do you have to run everything you intend doing by him ?

You’re visiting your family around the time of your DD’s birthday, your mum is planning a cake and candles. No big deal, you don’t even have to mention it when you get back unless your DD does.

My kids had several cake/candles around the time of their birthdays when they were younger - when visiting each of their grandparents, friends party, on actual birthday at home. No big deal.

GlitterSparkles17 · 05/10/2017 20:38

Your parents are doing a nice normal gesture, I would have no problem with my DH’s Mum wanting to do this especially if she didn’t see my DD very often, I go for tea to my mums once a week and my husband comes too and if it’s someones bday that week then the cake is out, that person would still have a cake and candles on their actual bday too at home with us, your husband sound extremely unreasonable and actually a bit strange, your daughter would love it so why would he spoil that moment for her because he dislikes your parents? Sorry but he does sound very controlling, you can tell he is by the fact you feel like you have to ask permission for your daughter to blow some candles out! Just don’t say anything and make out like they did it as a surprise and when you tell him make sure it’s in a positive way and say how delighted your DD was, what an arse!

existentialmoment · 05/10/2017 20:42

“Controlling” klaxon alert. What utter nonsense. He doesn’t like them & you can’t argue a feeling

way to miss the point. It's not about his feelings, it's about him trying to prevent his wife and child(ren) from having a relationship with them because HE doesn't like them.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 05/10/2017 20:49

Fgs, remember how fantastic birthdays were when were a kid? All kids should be spoilt around their birthday and its lovely your parents want to make her a birthday cake and your dd will absolutely love it! Go ahead with the birthday tea and give your dd a wonderful time, unfortunately your dh sounds like a miserable, jealous dickhead.

RandomMess · 05/10/2017 20:58

It wouldn't even occur to me to ask permission!!! Seriously ours would have candles and blow them out best part of a week! It's only with a few close family not some huge event that will over shadow the day itself

Cricrichan · 05/10/2017 22:06

My parents live abroad and we usually do an early cake, present for one of my children and even though dh is there, it wouldn't occur to me to ask or mention it other than as something interesting.

Your reaction and worry over this is worrying. He may not like your parents (I can't stand my mil and she's a narcissist) but I understand that dh wants to see his mother and take the kids and this wouldn't worry me.

Original poster

Borris · 05/10/2017 22:50

Thanks for the advice. I will take it on board. I'm just not comfortable with not mentioning it to dh before going. I just know that he would ask when he found out if I'd known beforehand. And I'm a rubbish liar.

So what I'm going to do is a few days before we go just mention it in passing, but not ask if it's ok etc.

If he makes big objections I will stand my ground and consider what everyone has said in here.

If he's totally not fussed then Ill know I was worried for no reason.

I will report back here with the outcome

OP posts:

Cabininthewoods69 · 05/10/2017 23:09

Good luck xx

wannabestressfree · 05/10/2017 23:24

He is bound to say ‘ do you have anything planned at your mum and dads’? Then rattle a few bits off ending with a little tea party for Dd as they won’t be seeing her.....
Then change the subject.

Howlongtilldinner · 05/10/2017 23:25

Your parents sound pretty normal to me OP. I think many people tolerate/suffer in laws for the sake of a harmonious relationship, why does your ‘d’ h have to be so unkind about them?

Quite frankly, I couldn’t be in a relationship like this. I would not be asking permission or getting in a tizzy about it. If he doesn’t want to go (assuming he’s been invited) then sod him, he certainly wouldn’t stand in the way of a lovely afternoon with pleasant folk, which I’m sure your dd will enjoy immensely.

You shouldn’t be made to feel this way OP.

Mary1935 · 05/10/2017 23:44

Hey OP your doing nothing wrong - you seem anxious about something that should be very enjoyable. Don't let him spoil it - he can not like your parents but he doesn't get to spoil your celebrations. How mean of him. Your not answerable to him. He's not your master - who wouldn't want their child spooling with cake and candles with grandparents who don't live near bye. Don't let him sabotage this. Good luck

Cricrichan · 06/10/2017 12:39

It looks like you're going to be worrying about it until you tell him. Don't. Just tell him and get it over and done with. If he wants to be an arse about it, then let him and consider your future with him. He's got no right to be making you feel like this. You and your parents aren't doing anything wrong. If he wants to be included in the early celebration then he can come. Otherwise he'll have to shut up.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 06/10/2017 12:43

What an awful way to live. I'm sorry OP. You shouldn't need to be fearful and tread on eggshells around your own DH.

Muddlingalongalone · 06/10/2017 13:13

If it's making you anxious then could you tell him now rather than prolong your agony but bring it up in passing in a really positive way - I was talking to mum and she's making an early birthday cake for dd. Isn't that lovely that they want to celebrate with her etc?
Obviously not if it will make things worse, but make it so that he's denying his child iykwim.

Orangetoffee · 06/10/2017 13:18

A reasonable partner would think that is a lovely idea and be happy for DD.

Hope you are ok.

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