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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Birthday tea without dh

69 replies

Borris · 05/10/2017 15:31

Would you expect a reasonable partner to object to a little tea party with cake and candles being held for dd by the grandparents a week before her actual birthday when he wasn't there. (By choice not not invited )

There would still be a cake and candles on her actual birthday and a party with cake etc on a weekend.

OP posts:

M4Dad · 05/10/2017 15:57

It's a bit odd but nothing to get massively upset over.

Original poster

Borris · 05/10/2017 16:01

He's not visiting as he doesn't like them. He can occasionally manage a night at theirs en route to somewhere else but that's it.

I don't want to do it without telling him as I'll be accused of doing things behind his back.

I think my family are fine. My mum does chat a lot and sometimes it doesn't include dh (i.e. Do you remember xxx in your reception class - I bumped into her mum last week and she's now living in xxx). But then I don't usually remember these people either

OP posts:

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 05/10/2017 16:04

You don't have to tell him anything. Your Mum brought the cake out as a suprise?
This shouldn't be causing you this much worry.

Original poster

Borris · 05/10/2017 16:06

But then he'll blame my mum as being inappropriate and trying to muscle in on dd birthday. Assuming he objects which I guess he might not ....

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/10/2017 16:07

Bit of a red flag there. Is he controlling in other ways?

Why is it controlling to not like people?

yetmorecrap · 05/10/2017 16:21

Personally I think if someone has an issue with this they need to get a life, as clearly don't have enough to think about

TheNaze73 · 05/10/2017 16:25

Bit of a red flag there. Is he controlling in other ways?

“Controlling” klaxon alert. What utter nonsense. He doesn’t like them & you can’t argue a feeling.

Just go ahead without him

Smartiepants87 · 05/10/2017 16:28

He does come across as controlling surely you make an effort with your inlaws for the sake of your wife and children especially when they haven't done him any wrong. What's the harm on some candles on a cake the fact he might kick off over it..

JellyBean31 · 05/10/2017 16:32

It's not controlling to nor like someone. It is controlling to expect the OP to adhere to his way. She is clearly worried about his reaction to a perfectly normal situation of a GP wanting to make a fuss of GC on (or close to) their birthday.

The treading on eggshells and asking permission is what's rain red flags to people

Butterymuffin · 05/10/2017 16:32

Talking about people he doesn't know from your earlier life is hardly an insult. My DM does this plenty. My DH is perfectly sensible and just zones out. If yours takes this personally he is being overly touchy. Don't let him alienate you from your family.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/10/2017 16:34

Do you think he’ll object because it’s taking place before her birthday (and therefore before the cake he’ll be present for); or just because he’s a knob?

If it’s the latter; I wouldn’t tell him. Or I would, but I’d be planning my exit. Life is too short for people who don’t make you happy.

FlipFlopFlappy · 05/10/2017 16:47

He sounds like a right wanker. Why would any dad mind their dc having cake with their grandparents?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/10/2017 16:56

He sounds awful. Really awful. He'd begrudge your daughter a little tea party - which he could go to - for no other reason than he's jealous.

I'd be amazed if he was otherwise a normal loving man.

pinkbraces · 05/10/2017 16:58

Please read back what you have written. You actually live your life with someone who would object to his DD having a tea party with her grandma, which includes birthday candles. That is so wrong.

wannabestressfree · 05/10/2017 17:12

I would save myself the hassle and not mention it.

RandomMess · 05/10/2017 17:21

If he objects at all he's being a dick, birthdays should be celebrated multiple time for at least week when you are little

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2017 17:23

Disliking them isn’t controlling (although it’s odd if they’re just normal people) but not staying there, being weird about them and stopping his DW and DD having a normal relationship with them is controlling.

And does anyone have parents who don’t do the ‘saw blah blah’s blah cousin at blah’ thing?

Msqueen33 · 05/10/2017 17:31

I don't like my PIL and my mil was rude to me on many many occasions. I don't have anything in common with them but he's being weird and rude. If your family aren't arseholes maybe he could at least be decent and civil. Why shouldn't you have a little birthday tea? Or is socialising with people he has things in common with only okay?!

Shoxfordian · 05/10/2017 17:34

If anyone sounds clingy it's your husband

Does he usually have a problem with you seeing people who aren't him?

Cambionome · 05/10/2017 18:27

Why are you tiptoeing around him like this? Are you frightened of his reaction if you do something without him?

Whocansay · 05/10/2017 18:45

If you are this worried about telling him about a birthday tea, you have bigger problems.

EivissaSenorita · 05/10/2017 18:47

If a MIL was planning to do this without DIL present I have a feeling the answers would be very different.

blueskyinmarch · 05/10/2017 19:21

It's just tea with grandparents with cake for pudding plus a wee candle for fun. He would be a knobhead to object.

Original poster

Borris · 05/10/2017 19:46

I guess I'm worried that he'll either sulk about it or make me feel like I'm really unreasonable for thinking it's ok. And then I'll feel guilty.

I already feel bad about taking dd away to her grandparents for a few days.

I'm not sure whether to ask him if he minds but then if he says no it would be hard to do it. Or tell him it's happening which I think is more likely to rub him up the wrong way.

Part of me was thinking of just asking mum not to do it, but on reflection I think I will bring it up with dh and see how he reacts

Sorry for going on about something fairly insignificant

OP posts:

Loraline · 05/10/2017 19:54

This is a lot of tip toeing around someone who is being totally unreasonable. Absolutely do not let him stop your dd having a small birthday celebration with her grandparents.

Also do NOT feel guilty about taking her to see them! It's a few days, he could have come with you, and she has a right to a nice relationship with your parents

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