For me, there was a big difference between a relationship which was rotten at its core, and in which I was doing the hard work to keep 'him' happy and the marriage stable; and a 'normal' long term relationship where there are ups and downs, external pressures and horrors, an ebb and flow of desire and disinterest. And in the second relationship then it was important for both of us to be willing and active in the work required to alleviate individual or joint boredom, to support the other during times of pressure, to be alert to an interest in other people, to plan together, to communicate, to be physical.
I love this quote from C. S. Lewis: (extended quote below)
" ‘Being in love’ first moved you to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables you to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”
Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. No feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go..... You can have love for each other even at those moments when you do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. You can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved you to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables you to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”