It's got to be worked at....

[Itsallveryodd]

A relationship between two people who decide to build a future together have to work at it right?

How have you made your relationship work?

I think the difference in the idea of "working on" a relationship varies with whether you're having to do the work to get past your own issues (trust, touch, irritability etc) or whether you're having to try to get past their issues (in the case of my ex, selfishness, thoughtlessness, violent temper etc)

Life nowadays is so disposable, people are very quick to walk away if things are full on excitement.
I’m not talking about people trapped in abusive marriages but any relationship needs to be worked at, not in a forced gruelling way but in the sense that you do things for the other person or they’ve been stressed at work so you take ok a bit more of the housework, or you’ve barely seen each other for weeks so you cook a nice meal,

Pickandchew that is absolutely it.

If it feels like work, you're probably not compatible.

My ex and I had to work at it. In the end that exhausted us. No point carrying on.

My current DP and I don't work at it. It just works. The way we are naturally as individuals, happens to meet the other ones needs. Nothing we do for each other feels like work.

DH and I have been together for 26 years, married 21.

Its not been hard work, exactly, but he's from a very different culture (Japan) and I have lived here all that time, so it was more working on the whole package of being here.

For us as a couple and raising two children (now 19 and 18), we have had to work through things (rather than working at them?IYSWIM), to resolve cultural differences in dealing with family/education etc.

We have both kept our individual way of doing things though for the most part, and its all worked out well. I am very social, he is not. But we communicate well, and it has got easier and easier as the years have gone by. We are the most chilled out we have ever been at the moment, I think.

I think for a relationship to work you need to complement each other (as in balance, not oh you look nice). You have to know what to let go and what to address, you have to be flexible but ultimately life should be better living with each other than it would be without. You have to be prepared to worth through things rather than huffing and giving up. However if a relationship is 'hard work' something needs to change.

I'm married nearly 25 years. Dealing with some stuff was hard - like when we emigrated, that was hard for me. But our relationship wasn't hard. That was always a source of relief and kindness and solace. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that required "hard work". I think one of the worst things you can tell someone is that marriage is hard work at times - it makes people think they have to put up with shit when really they don't. In my whole life, my relationships with my parents and my siblings were sometimes hard work (and presumably worth it...) but my relationship with my husband while often occurring against the background of utter crap was in itself never hard work.

That said, having a baby is, in my experience, like having a bomb go off in your marriage. If you've married the right person you can both get through it together and have a laugh about it but if you are not married to the right person it can bring to the fore all the reasons you shouldn't be married. Unfortunately, this is often the point at which people explain/excuse/well marriage is hard work isn't it/ and go on to enmesh themselves even more into people they are fundamentally unable to live with.

People don't have to be in a relationship though. Either with one particular person or anyone. If they don't want to be.

pallisers

I totally agree

Having babies was the most challenging time, when we sometimes had to take a deep breath and be kinder to each other, but really I don't think it has needed work. Just attention sometimes to stop us becoming semi-detached. (nearly 30 years)

The MN trope is that if you have to work at something, it isn’t worth it (kind of reflects society’s current value set).

If it is just two people and you can easily separate, why not? On the other hand, with children and complex intertwined finances, there are plenty of practical reasons to stay together in ok but not brilliant relationships. Marriage used to be all about money and family, recently it has been all about lurrve. I think somewhere in between is the most sensible. The disbeyfication of marriage is not really a positive, leading to unrealistic expectations.

I think if marriages are toxic, they should be ended. If workaday but not bad, they should be ‘worked on’.

larry

I think it comes down to marrying the right person. Or if not married, having children with the right person. My home is my solace and comfort. I'm prepared for my work life to be OK but my relationship is the best thing in my life. It's mostly about laughing a lot together, sharing the same values, and being a good parenting team. The lack of any one of those things would be hard for me.

We got together when we were teenagers and we have definitely grown up together. Our values and personalities have been moulded by each other - both ways. Before we married, we had been through several years of separation and difficult personal issues which we supported each other with. I know many people my age who got married when they should have split up

.... bit I suppose it depends what you mean as 'workaday'. I never expected daily romance or rampant sex. Just everyday kindness. And if it's getting snarky, the ability to talk and admit wrongdoing.

happily married 26 years.
our simple rule is keep the best if yourself for those you love.
i never fail to be stunned on here with people whose partners shout and swear at them.
my other principle is "just because you can win the argument doesnt mean you are right"

I think that there are a hell of a lot of women in relationships that don'r work for them and they don't work for the children they have either, they all work for the man.

Who benefits from the idea that relationships are work? Who puts in all the work? Men benefit, women do the work, and the putting up with, for the most part.

I worked on my old relationship, I worked, and worked and worked. The result was just putting up with more and more crap.

I don't need to work at this relationship, I am with my friend, my mate, it's as easy and natural as my friendships. We weather storms together and if the relationship came to an end in the future so be it.

Long term relationships that need work benefit men, not women.

Damn

Yes

In ten years of marriage, things have happened to us as individuals and as a couple that have required us to work to stay together. Cancer (me), depression (him), chronic illness resulting from cancer (me), diagnosis of ADHD (him), 4 miscarriages (us), IVF (us), parents dying (us), work redundancy (him) .... I cannot see how you could go through all of that and not have to make an effort to keep your relationship on an even keel. Love is why we are together, but it doesn't hold us together. We are held together by the desire to be so, and that desire is fulfilled via effort in communication, consideration, respect, empathy etc.

If you've never had to work at your relationships, then I think you've lead a charmed life.

I've just celebrated my silver wedding anniversary and I have never worked at my relationship. We do occasionally annoy each other, have fights, blazing rows even but so what? We get over it. And when hard times come, well that's life, not marriage. And we had each other's backs, so when horrible things happen we face them together.
Fuck that sounds really cheesy!

Of course people have to work at their relationships, even the people who say they don't have to work at their relationship.

The difference is that if it's the right relationship then it doesn't feel like working at it, it just feels like doing the right things to find agreement and to keep each other in mind because that's where you want to be.

But needing to find time to spend together when you've both been working flat-out for the past six months is still working at the relationship. Taking the time to communicate when you're going through a hard time is still working at the relationship. But the difference between that and trying to make the effort not to disregard your partner at all times or having to think that demanding sex when the other party has blatantly said no, or not going out and getting rat-arsed while she's at home with the kids every Friday and Saturday night is more about doing what you think ought to be done to stop her walking out the door and filing for divorce.

However there is also a school of thought which says that any relationship is disposable, and it does happen all too often that people walk away rather than looking at the issues as part of a bigger picture. Most partners will behave selfishly at some point during a relationship. If you're married for twenty or thirty years it's not possible that you have been eternally happy for the duration of that time. However the strength of your feelings for each other will determine whether you can get past those issues once they have passed and can go back to being happy again.

Just so many people don't these days taken from your second post. I don't think less people "work at it" now. I just think it's easier for women to leave men who treat them like dirt so we put up with less. It's a good thing imo.
I think a good relationship doesn't need loads of work. You may go through rough times but the love, kindness and bond you have should be easy.

My marriage has been constant hard work since I don't know when. There is no joy anymore. We've been down the counselling route and it made no difference. I actually don't know what a normal functioning marriage is like :(

sadlady, there comes a point when you are investing time and energy into something that isn't worth it. Move on, walk away, find happiness elsewhere

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus,

That is my plan. Just getting my head straight first and after that the practicalities need to be worked out

Good to hear it Sadlady. Lots of support here for you, then hopefully you won't be a Sadlady anymore

I cannot see how you could go through all of that and not have to make an effort to keep your relationship on an even keel.

I relate to this. Life has given my DH and I plenty of challenges, including having a child with autism, and we didn't always process them the same way. We are in a lovely place in our relationship now, but it was work to get here.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus - thanks so much