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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair alert!!

30 replies

Freckledbananas · 04/10/2017 18:48

I've been married to DH for nearly 4 years and we have a lovely dc. DH is a lovely man but not emotionally attentive.
I met someone else and I'm absolutely crazy about him. He knows what to say to me all the time. He is incredibly thoughtful and sweet. He knows me, says exactly what I need to hear. He's completely swept me off my feet.
We both know it's wrong and haven't had sex however I know we will do if we carry on speaking. Haven't spoken to him in 24 hours as I am trying to wean myself off him and it has been so difficult! He is single and got no children.
Please people be strict with me if necessary, I need to continue to be strong and not speak to him.

OP posts:
trevthecat · 04/10/2017 18:50

In my eyes your already cheating. Either leave your marriage or stop talking to the other man. Flip it round, if you found out your dh was doing this, how would you feel

Mumof217 · 04/10/2017 18:52

Cant stand affairs personally. Youve already crossed that line your marriage is dead so leave instead of destroying multiple peoples lives by lieing and cheating

beesandknees · 04/10/2017 18:54

He knows what to say to me all the time. He is incredibly thoughtful and sweet. He knows me, says exactly what I need to hear. He's completely swept me off my feet.

This is a sign he's a sociopath.

Please don't get sucked into this. Healthy relationships do not feel like this - maybe they can after at least a few years together - if they feel like this at the beginning, it's because it's an illusion and it's a sign you are walking into danger.

Even if you weren't married to someone, this would still be a terrible idea.

Run, don't walk, you are in danger.

PNGirl · 04/10/2017 18:55

Yep. Thoughtful and sweet man who is quite happy to start an emotional affair with a married woman who has a small child. eyeroll

QueenBeex · 04/10/2017 18:57

You need to tell your husband you've had an affair Hmm

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2017 18:59

This man is playing you for a fool so he can get down your pants, end of story. He doesn't care one iota about you or your life. If he did, he wouldn't be giving you this song and dance and filling your head with all these things you "need" to hear. Words are cheap. Stop this nonsense before you make a huge mistake.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/10/2017 19:00

It's all spiel. If you fall for it and leave your husband, child in tow, he'll be off like a rat up a drainpipe. More fool you for falling for it, rather than doing the decent thing and ending a marriage that you are unhappy in.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 04/10/2017 19:01

I was the OW in an affair situation when I was a teenager. Not proud of it but seen the damage and upset they cause. Affairs wreck people's lives. One of my absolute bottom lines as a grown (married) adult is if it looks like an affair- even without sex- it's an affair and I would not tolerate it from my husband and keep a very close eye on my own relationships with other men, even friendships that predate DH, because I know the warning signs of things slipping over the edge. My only defence is that I was young and stupid, but you have a child- this is mad OP. Don't risk your whole life for a cheap thrill. If you love this man and think he's the love of your life leave your marriage first, if you're not prepared to leave your marriage then you shouldn't be entertaining this for a second.

userxx · 04/10/2017 19:05

Was your husband ever emotionally attentive? If not, why did you marry him? 4 years is not a long time to be married, if you are feeling unsatisfied this soon I would seriously consider divorcing.

Original poster
Freckledbananas · 04/10/2017 19:09

He was a bit inattentive, I noticed it but thought I was just being too fussy as everyone has a fault. But it's gotten progressively worse and really fast too.

Thanks for the straight answers people, really helping xx

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/10/2017 19:12

Words are cheap.You are a fool of you believe all that flannel. He will fuck you and fuck off.

Bumshkawahwah · 04/10/2017 19:31

As the victim of an affair, what I would say is, talk to your husband. Try and sort out your marriage...and yourself. Get counseling.

One of the hardest things about my H having an affair was having choices about my life taken away from me. Had I known what he was thinking, we could have tackled our problems. Or we could have split and left my husband free to get together with someone else.

His ego was boosted by someone else. She told him he was handsome and lovely. She gave him affection and compliments. He never saw her clean toilets though, or wrestle two kids into bed or had to argue with her about who’s turn it was to scoop the cat litter. It was uncomplicated and gratifying and not real life. It’s easy to be this perfect girlfriend under these circumstances.

What is it you want? The security of marriage and a bit on the side? To leave your husband? You are being horrendously unfair to this lovely man. If you need more than he can give, then get out. If you think you’d like to stay married, get help. Be very wary of exaggerating your husband’s bad points to make an affair justifiable. If you have a problem with him...deal with it with him. At least that is honest.

Affairs take up a lot of emotional energy. My kids started to be affected by their father’s affair before I even discovered what he was up to. Almost a year later, their relationship with this father has not completely recovered. Be very, very careful. It is very doubtful that he is ego he seems. Even if he is...you are not single. The fact that he is tangling with a married woman says a lot about him. You are not star-crossed lovers, or meant to be etc etc. You are selfish and destructive and entitled. It can only end badly, if only for your husband and child.

DragonLips · 04/10/2017 19:37

There is more than one person who would suit everybody in a long term relationship. It's natural to meet people who you connect with once you have settled down and you think oh we would date if we both were single. It's normal to meet other suitable 'ones'. Out of the pool of potentially suitable 'ones' you have already picked one out and married him. You can't forever be sampling the other 'ones'. If you cheat then you will cheat again when you meet another 'one'. Stop contact with the newly discovered 'one'

SuperSkyRocketing · 04/10/2017 19:54
  1. You're already having an affair.
  1. Own up to it and tell your DH because he deserves to know, regardless of whether he's emotionally attentive or not.
  1. What everyone else said. Talk is cheap. This OM knows exactly what to say to get in your pants.
  1. If you want to be swept off your feet by any man other than your DH then divorce him and be single.
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 04/10/2017 20:07

Don't leave because of this man-if you are unhappy then leave because of that. Ask yourself what type of a man pursues a married woman? The type that will do it again once he "has you". IT sounds like you are telling yourself the type of bollox people having affairs tell their "lovers"- s/he doesn't understand me/love me/ pay attention to me. Maybe it's true, but you are making a right mess. Ditch the twat, decide what is needed and stop making at least two people miserable.

BandHag · 04/10/2017 20:13

Hang on.

So much dramatic advice here.

Would you be prepared to end your marriage? Cos if you're prepared to end your marriage for the new man then your marriage isn't worth so much reverence and protection.

How long have you known the new man?

Have you 'tested' him by asking him if he even wants you to be single? wants you to want him?

A lot of men can be lovely, but on a day to day basis, no commitment. I met one just like this. (Neither of us married but he was emotionally intelligent and communicative and supportive etc... he just. did. not. commit. And that was quite conscious on his part. So. Part of your appeal to this man might be tied up in the fact that you're married to somebody else right now.

You wouldnt want to risk a good marriage for that type of man! IS your marriage good?

CoyoteCafe · 04/10/2017 20:18

Tend your marriage. Use the feelings you are having as a massive wake up call.

Talk to your DH about what you need. Go on a marriage re-treat, or see a counselor, or something. I'm not on the "tell him about the other man" bandwagon because I think that will just distract from the actual problems in your marriage. You feeling an attraction for another person is not the root problem in your marriage -- your needs being chronically unmet in your marriage is the problem.

If your DH doesn't get it, be frank and tell him that you don't see your marriage lasting unless things change.

As far as the other man, my best advice is to imagine having an affair with him, and then everyone finding out. Everyone. Even your child when they are older. I've felt attractions before, but the thought of the shame I would feel really puts me off the idea. I don't want to be that person; I don't want others to think I'm that person.

Good luck!

RedForFilth · 04/10/2017 21:36

You sound pathetic tbh. You already knew your husband was "emotionally inattentive" yet you're blaming him for you having an affair! And it is an emotional affair, don't kid yourself into thinking no sex makes it ok.
Of course the other man knows exactly what to say. He's probably done this loads and men like that know what to say to women. They target women who they know will lap it up.

Iwantamarshmallow · 04/10/2017 21:40

My DH likes to say that he has affairs because I'm not attentive.... the reason I'm not attentive is because he's had affairs. Maybe you should try working on your marriage or asking why his is not attentive rather than running off with other man. Sorry but if you were a bloke you would have been flamed on here by now.

Blossomdeary · 04/10/2017 21:45

Every married person is attracted to others in the course of their marriage - it is human nature. It is what you do about it that matters; and in deciding what to do, it is honesty that matters most. Think on it. Are you being honest?

GeriT · 04/10/2017 21:54

How did you meet this other bloke?

You sound very vulnerable and naive if you are willing to throw your marriage away over someone who is all words.

Ever heard of a textlationship?

I think your husband is too good for you..emotionally inattentive or not. Let him be happy with someone else!

WristBitch · 04/10/2017 21:59

Being the innocent in an affair. Do the decent thing and end your marriage first!!! It’s all very fresh for me and rather painful

Sadlady77 · 05/10/2017 09:40

If you know by continuing to talk to him you will have sex with him then just block him or else leave your marriage.

I am in a bit of similar situation to yourself although I am with DH for a lot longer than you. But I am happy and am trying to get my ducks in a row and work out what I want.

In the meantime I bumped into my ex unexpectedly and he started messaging me. Fairly early on he made it clear what he was looking for although in fairness he was very direct that it was just sex. I told him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't going to be happening. The messages have just reverted back to friendly banter now - what you doing for the weekend etc. I am in no way tempted to meet with him and to be honest even if I was single I wouldn't be going there as first and foremost he is with someone else and I am an old fashioned girl at heart and don't want to be meeting someone in a hotel for seedy sex. I want someone to be proud I am on their arm.

Just think about what you stand to lose - because that's what it would be if you meet while still married - seedy sex in a hotel room.

ravenmum · 05/10/2017 09:55

It could work with the other guy. You could pursue the affair, get together with him, leave your husband, set up with this man and get married and have a new family. Yahoo! Fairy tale ending!

Now from your husband's point of view. You grow more distant from him, start bringing up your "reason" for the affair so that he feels inadequate, he suspects something might be going on, suspects that you might be lying to him, sees you going out with a "friend" and wonders, lives in horrible suspense for months until it comes out or you dump him, still saying its because he is emotionally crap inattentive.

And the fairy tale ending? You are together with someone who is a sweet talker. You feel kind of obliged to stay with him, as you Gave Up So Much To Be With Him. He turns out to be a human, too. You spend your life lying to your child about why you split up, telling everyone how it was your husband's fault and minimising, minimising, minimising.

Sadlady77 · 06/10/2017 11:55

Freckedbananas - how are you doing now?