Living with a controlling man

[rabbitsandhares]

I need advice.

I find my bloody husband so difficult to manage. I was only young - 23 - when I got married. That in itself was fairly unusual amongst my peers but then I couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else. My mum had left me a small (in relative terms) amount of money when she died but my dad wouldn't release it to enable me to buy a house if I was not married. So, we got married. Registry office, very casual, no one there but us. It didn't bother me: I had never been the sort of woman who dreamed of a meringue dress and flowers.

He's always controlled everything I do. Usually he does it in a kindly sort of "I'll sort this out properly" way but I find that irritating now, where once I found it charming. If he is in a bad mood though, or if I've really pissed him off, don't I know about it.

He has a way of using circumstances against me. Like the inheritance thing, he used that to get me to agree to be married in quite a rushed way. Then he has used just ordinary life events like illness, difficult jobs, pregnancy and so on, as reasons why we should change locations, why I should not see this friend, why I don't need the car, and on and on.

I suppose in short, over the time I have been with him, he has slowly taken away everything else, leaving me with just him.

I kmow people will think I am an idiot for letting him. I'm not. I have always resisted and fought back, to a point. I have worked, sorted contraception, even had one pregnancy terminated (without his knowledge) because I knew the more children I had, the more difficult life would be. But he used to find my weak moments and slip a wedge through the cracks and widen them. The doctor says I am depressed but I can't access anti depressants without him being a dick.

Much of the time I am tempted to just lie dowm and submit and put up with it all but then this anger and rage comes out of nowhere then guilt then exhaustion.

I didn't actually kmow that about the electronic trail. Thanks.

He doesn't provide medical care, this isn't allowed for obvious reasons (unless in exceptional circumstances such as an emergency) but he is very controlling about it.

What do you mean controlling?
Like if you were ill or needed an investigation or procedure he needs to give you the go ahead?

If you had private counselling or therapy, that you'd arranged yourself, he wouldn't be able to access that info if it wasn't done through a medical referral. He may have given you the impression that he would have access to more info than he actually would.

Perhaps it would be more helpful and realistic to get help to manage the difficulties of leaving him, than to try to actually manage living with him. Best of luck.

if the marriage goes then that leaves me with just me and I am nothing.

That's where you are wrong - you are very far from being nothing.

Document all instances of coercion and apply for legal aid.

Is your husband older than you?

Please consider leaving him

Your children are learning this is normal from your example. Please call womens aid

Sorry but it seems to me you don't really want to leave so your listing all the reasons why you can't to validate this.
If it's that bad you go.
Plenty on here do and there is help nowadays.
Truth be told you just don't want to.

User, that is extremely unhelpful.
I suggest you watch the TED talk on ‘why doesn’t she just leave?’
I’ve been where she is. It’s terrifying just admitting that this is your life to yourself, never mind starting to talk about it on here.
It takes time to get your head round it. And her ‘excuses’ as you see them are very real and frightening to her.

Rabbits, it took me 18 months to get from first thoughts that ‘something’s not right about this’ to ‘I have to end this today’. Looking back, I wish I’d done it quicker, but it is what it is. It took time.

And FWIW I am 5 yrs out, fiercely single and protective of my safe home, and have not felt lonely for a single second.

Some truth there user. I don't want to be alone, struggling to raise children he turns against me, scared and isolated.

Truth is life away from him looks bleaker than life with him. But life with him is no bed of roses either.

Rabbits, the difficult bit to grasp when you’re in the middle of trying to make it all work, is how much of yourself is tied up in his control. Your thoughts, your time, your emotions, your actions. There’s no space that’s not about him and trying to keep him reasonable.
When you get all of that mental and emotional and physical energy back to be used where it should be, on YOU, it’s very strange. Scary at first, but after a while your life becomes yours, and you fill it with things that are NOT HIM. And you wouldn’t give it up to go back in a million years, believe me.
That empty life you fear? It’s not real.

rabbits I posted on here for two years before I finally called the police. Go quietly and find yourself the best lawyer you can. Open yourself an online bank account and start putting some money away. It's scary, really scary, but the help is out there via women's aid. You can also talk to your GP and ask for it not to go on records. Lie about counselling, I did. I told him school meeting helping parents to enable their children to read. Take your time. Make your decisions calmly and quietly and don't let on. Life doesn't have to be like this. I did more than 20 years but I'm free now. No longer scared to put my key in the lock.

you can get out and the fact you have held it together and not broken yet, DESPITE his control attempts, shows you that you are so much stronger than you think.
Call womens aid. Their number doesnt show up on phone records.
You will be saving the kids by leaving - and yes, they may see their father, they may not (mine refused) but you are mitigating the damage, and they will have a general level of normality whilst with you to compare his controlling against. kids arent stupid once they get a chance to experience normal - but give them no chance and they have no comparrison.

Hi OP, there is a whole mental process you go through before you decide to leave. You're at that stage where you are very courageously beginning to acknowledge that there is something wrong. The great thing about the internet is that there are all these resources now available. Google Lundy Bancroft; think about doing the online Freedom programme. Post on here.

Start playing mentally with the idea of what life would be like him. Imagine being at home with your dcs and not having him walk into the room and change the mood or start dictating everything.

There are resources to help you (Women's Aid nationally and there may be local equivalents). You've taken the first step by acknowledging it.

However isolated you feel my love, it’s only a feeling of isolation.

Both NettleTea and I have been where you are but thousands of miles away and in places where EVERYONE is an arsehole like your H.

We got out.

From your side of the gates yes it looks terrifying.

From our side - having got out ourselves, from “impossible” situations- we wonder what you’re waiting for? 🙂

We KNOW how frightened you are.
We KNOW how much better you will feel when you are free

We know too how your kids will bloom within days of you getting you all free of him.

Please know that it’s a lot easier and better being free than you are thinking it is - that terrified state is what he’s made you believe.

It’s a lie.

One step is all it takes and you’ve taken the first one by talking to us.

We’re here to help.

rabbits I remember the feeling that it was impossible only too well. But it really isn't. Before I left I had no one, literally no one. No job, family or friends. Didn't know anyone where I lived. Felt like I'd lost my mind.

There have been ups and downs but I am getting my life back on track and doing things Id never have coped with last year, meeting lovely people.

I was terrified of any decision a year ago. I LOVE being in charge of my own life now.

Please keep posting. Even if you feel stuck, keep talking. I promise you, you are stronger than you think.

these men are not god, although they act like they are

They are not above the law, even though they think they are

Women's aid. Police. Solicitors. These people are your friends and they will prove that these men are just little pathetic bullies who get off on picking vulnerable people to make themselves feel big. Once the law steps in then tend to scuttle back under their rock

They rule through your fear

They are actually cowards- every last one of them