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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with a controlling man

66 replies

rabbitsandhares · 04/10/2017 12:53

I need advice.

I find my bloody husband so difficult to manage. I was only young - 23 - when I got married. That in itself was fairly unusual amongst my peers but then I couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else. My mum had left me a small (in relative terms) amount of money when she died but my dad wouldn't release it to enable me to buy a house if I was not married. So, we got married. Registry office, very casual, no one there but us. It didn't bother me: I had never been the sort of woman who dreamed of a meringue dress and flowers.

He's always controlled everything I do. Usually he does it in a kindly sort of "I'll sort this out properly" way Hmm but I find that irritating now, where once I found it charming. If he is in a bad mood though, or if I've really pissed him off, don't I know about it.

He has a way of using circumstances against me. Like the inheritance thing, he used that to get me to agree to be married in quite a rushed way. Then he has used just ordinary life events like illness, difficult jobs, pregnancy and so on, as reasons why we should change locations, why I should not see this friend, why I don't need the car, and on and on.

I suppose in short, over the time I have been with him, he has slowly taken away everything else, leaving me with just him.

I kmow people will think I am an idiot for letting him. I'm not. I have always resisted and fought back, to a point. I have worked, sorted contraception, even had one pregnancy terminated (without his knowledge) because I knew the more children I had, the more difficult life would be. But he used to find my weak moments and slip a wedge through the cracks and widen them. The doctor says I am depressed but I can't access anti depressants without him being a dick.

Much of the time I am tempted to just lie dowm and submit and put up with it all but then this anger and rage comes out of nowhere then guilt then exhaustion.

OP posts:
Hissy · 04/10/2017 20:11

My love, if he leaves, if you get free from him, you won’t be left with nothing!!

You will get back your entire life!

Trust me! Been there! It’s sooooooo good when you get rid of a prick like your h

Btw... your dad clearly set the scene, he’s controlling too.

Break free! You will never ever EVER regret it!

Hissy · 04/10/2017 20:13

You need to leave BECAUSE of the children!! You need to get them out of the situation so they don’t repeat your relationship in their own lives...

Flopjustwantscoffee · 04/10/2017 20:51

The flashes of rage and anger... that's the repressed you breakingto the surface and screaming to break free... don't waste energy feeling guilty about the anger, harness and use it to give you the motivation to get out.

CocoaIsGone · 04/10/2017 21:08

The control can continue through the children, yes, I left nearly five years ago and it is still going on, we are divorcing through the courts now as it was the only way to get matters resolved. The DC are the only route he has in to my life. But I am far stronger now than I was when I left, because I need to be.

And you slowly get bits of yourself back. Sometimes it feels like I have never left as he knows just how to get me to feel worthless again. Sometimes it is just very peaceful as he is no longer there. I don’t have two pennies to rub together, but I would not go back for any money in the world.

Original poster
rabbitsandhares · 04/10/2017 22:14

Just feel like I'd be so, so lonely.

My dad was controlling in a lot of ways but he really did love me.

OP posts:
Original poster
rabbitsandhares · 04/10/2017 22:16

Re the abortiobn

I arranged it privately and paid for it so it didn't appear on my records.

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 04/10/2017 22:23

rabbitsandhares one of the ways Women's Aid help women in relationships like yours is running the Freedom Programme. Please see if you can access one in your area. You will see why it is far preferable to leave while DCs are younger. WA also have refuges for women and children who have no where else to go.

lollipop you left him! Well done! I remember we were on a thread for people who wanted to leave their DHs. I stayed. Still not sure if it was the right decision, but things are a lot better now and DH is really trying hard to make it work.

lollipop7 · 04/10/2017 22:26

Please try to get some talking therapy through your GP.
I just started mine it's been enormously beneficial for me. It's just for me. The unburdening and headspace to work out what has been happening to me has given me different, much needed perspective.

This is no life for you or your children, once you start to take action it's amazing how you can start to shrug this despondency off. You can start to deconstruct him and take this egomaniac apart piece by piece that's casting such a long shadow. You WILL see him for what he us and there is so much amazing support out there.

I wish I'd done it sooner.
But it's not too late for you

lollipop7 · 04/10/2017 22:28

@cheapskatemum yes I did. My thread is going strong. He's a total shit but I will not give up.

I know he would never acknowledge his behaviour. He will never change. I could never be happy with him again, I can't even look at him anymore.
If you have a man that at least has the humility and conscience to drive an attempt to repair your faith then that's a start. I really hope things work out for you.

Original poster
rabbitsandhares · 04/10/2017 22:30

He'd never let me go for counselling. Thanks Flowers

OP posts:
lollipop7 · 04/10/2017 22:35

This is so awful.
I don't think I'm the only person on here who is genuinely worried about you.

If things are this bad, then please take action. If not for yourself then please for your children. It needs to be said that if they are young and you allow this to transfer to them you run the risk of losing them anyway through official channels or by virtue of the fact they grow up living with it and come to blame you as much as their father.

Trust me I know it's hard. I left with nothing I'm eight months pregnant I have a three year old child that is terrified of his father and a daughter who I got out just in time. The fear and despair you feel will be nothing compared to what lies ahead if you keep travelling this road.

Schmoopy · 04/10/2017 22:57

How would he know you were having counselling or taking anti depressants though?

Original poster
rabbitsandhares · 04/10/2017 22:58

He can access medical records in his job.

OP posts:
Itsallveryodd · 04/10/2017 23:04

You get to the point where you wonder where you have gone?
You can't figure out where you lost yourself.
That was me. Then it was over. Then I felt I could breathe. Then I wanted to be me again.
Unfortunately she was long gone and couldn't possibly be found. So I had to find a new me.
A me that was made up of a past, a present and a future I could choose.

lollipop7 · 04/10/2017 23:04

But not just randomly that's gross misconduct surely?

If that's the case wouldn't he know about your termination? Even if done privately it has to be recorded doesn't it?

Original poster
rabbitsandhares · 04/10/2017 23:06

No, you can elicit not to have it on your records.

I know it is GM but i can't prove he does it.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 04/10/2017 23:06

That's an immediate thing I would do, notify his employer-anonymously-that he has been accessing your records illegally. You can leave him, please contact Woman's Aid. Lollipop has been through and still is going through the wringer with her stbexh, but it's doable. Please, please get out before he damages you and your children permanently.

Didactylos · 04/10/2017 23:08

I am not sure where you are in the world but accessing your medical records as a relative (with or without your permission!) is a huge breach of trust in the UK and would lead to disciplinary action if it was reported or proven. Disciplinary cases have occured for access to celebrities files or relatives files.
How can he access medical records? has he told you he has or would access yours? Because it might be true, or it might be more of the bullshit hes feeding you to keep you paralysed and immobile.

Original poster
rabbitsandhares · 04/10/2017 23:10

He works in a medical capacity, so it would be incredibly easy for him to do so.

OP posts:
Didactylos · 04/10/2017 23:15

Contact his employers and make an enquiry. If you are in the UK Caldicott Guardian is a useful person to ask for. There are very strict rules about records, confidentiality and accessing family members details.
If it is an electronic record there will be evidence of who has looked at the information, if its paper notes then there may be a paper trail of signouts. They may choose to audit his note access or put it under surveillance.
Its also worth remembering that any evidence of such a breach of trust would be independantly verified evidence of his coercion, control and abuse of you.

Akire · 04/10/2017 23:15

What would be his reason for refusing anti depressants? Does he know they will help you see the light? I would get then anyway- if he does acess records and bring it up he’s breached rules. And if he does so what, what’s worse that could happen? You finally see he dosnt care enough for you to get medically treatment you need. It’s a reason if you need to pin it down for you to split up.

lollipop7 · 04/10/2017 23:16

You can't just search any old person's records it's like the police doing searches for a mate or someone who pissed them off.
His searches will be traceable. Whether he works in the private or public sector.

@Maelstrop is right I'm going through hell but I tell you this: there is not a second of any day since I left that I regret doing it. I only have to look at my children and not dread the sound of him coming through the front door with a smart word and that look in his eyes to get me through.

RandomMess · 04/10/2017 23:20

TBH I would take my DC and go to a refuge. I think your depression will disappear once you no longer live him.

Flowers
bastardkitty · 04/10/2017 23:23

There is an audit trail on electronic patient records and as above, this is gross misconduct. Is he providing your medical care himself? Also a major conduct issue. I feel so sorry for you - how he has stolen your life and freedom from you. It's very frightening, but you can build up to leaving him. Please keep talking x

SilverySurfer · 04/10/2017 23:23

I am so sad reading this OP. You sound lovely but absolutely defeated by your husband and taking the first step to freedom must seem like a herculean task but if you keep posting, there are really knowledgeable people on here who have been where you are - everyone will do their best to help you to take that first step and beyond.

I have been single for many years and have to tell you it is a thousand times better to be single than crushed under a controlling man's thumb.

Wishing you the very best and the strength to take the first step. Flowers

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