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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I divorce my husband

36 replies

Sparkless · 03/10/2017 20:54

I've been with my hubby 13yrs since I was 20, I'm now 33yrs old. When I met him I had just been through a terrible time and he was like my best friend. I don't actually ever remember a honeymoon period and this troubles me. I don't remember us being crazy about each other. And he admits he was very immature and never used to treat right when I was in My 20's. he is a lot better now.
He also never really cut the apron ties with his mother or childhood family and this has caused arguments throughout our relationship.

I also got cold feet before we married but have since been content, with two beautiful children age 2 and age 5.

However I seem to have come into my own my self--esteem has rocketed and now feel like I should leave the relationship and be on my own despite the turmoil, heartache and financial implications (which really worries me). I was out with my friends and a man really liked me and I really wanted to ask for his number but couldn't as I'm married. I don't feel sexually attracted to my husband and don't really remember a time I wanted to rip his clothes off, I'm only 33 and don't want to end up bitter and twisted and feeling life passed me by as I stay in this quite platonic relationship. He will give me a really hard time if I leave.

I really don't know whether wanting to be free to find a bit of passion and someone who really likes me (as I sometimes feel I'm just a convenience for the hubby) is a good enough reason to leave.
Counselling isn't an option I can't really tell my husband I don't fancy him anymore without ending the relationship anyway.

What should I do please help.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 03/10/2017 21:00

I think counselling for you would be a good idea.

Leaving a marriage isn't easy, so think it through carefully

nightshade · 03/10/2017 21:10

And what about the two beautiful children?

Original poster

Sparkless · 03/10/2017 21:17

thought someone would say that.
So basically I should stay for the children
S sake?

OP posts:

nightshade · 03/10/2017 21:35

Your choice...but whilst you've outgrown him and wish to develop yourself with someone else remember that you have two c hildren who have to live through it and may not find the experience so liberating..

Maybe they should stay in the family home with dad whilst you experience dating and other partners..

As sandy says you need to think very carefully about ending a marriage particularly when children are in the midst...

Quartz2208 · 03/10/2017 21:58

Staying for children and making them live in a tense atmosphere is a terrible idea

But leaving to be with someone else is too I think you need to figure out who you are on your own

AgSiopadoireachtAris · 03/10/2017 22:01

Yes.
You got together young. It's not working.
If you split up when the kids are young it will be easy. If you bury yr head for five years it will be harder for the kids.
If your heart's not in it now then i dont think it will come back

Hassled · 03/10/2017 22:08

Counselling is an option - you can see Relate on your own; it's not just for couples. You don't want to make a knee-jerk decision based on what might only be a temporary blip, but equally if this marriage is wrong for you then the longer you stay, the harder the split will be for you and the DCs. Talking it all through with a marriage guidance counsellor might be really helpful.

Original poster

Sparkless · 04/10/2017 06:08

Thanks for your advice.
Just wondered if anyone has been divorced on here? And how did you cope? Did you regret leaving? Just I don't know many divorcees.

OP posts:

category12 · 04/10/2017 06:37

I would think first about whether it's the relationship itself that's wrong for you, or whether it's life fulfilment in another way that's lacking, as you're not describing an awful relationship but more dissatisfaction - which a spot of counselling might help with. If it's definitely the relationship, then I would aim for an amicable split.

If you're clear already on not wanting to be with your dh anymore no matter what, then it might be the best thing for both of you in the long run. Sounds like you'd be ripe for an affair if you stayed and that would be messy.

(I'm divorced.)

category12 · 04/10/2017 06:37

(no regrets)

category12 · 04/10/2017 06:38

(no regrets)

LEMtheoriginal · 04/10/2017 06:49

The two probably will adapt really well. The 5yo not so much. But yes if you want freedom to get attention from other men then clearly they will just have to fit in with your decision.

I don't mean to be unkind but your OP is very "me me me". If you are genuinely unhappy then leave but it sounds to me like you are bored. Its not all about passion and romance. You have to work together to make things work.

Who doesn't like a bit of attention from the opposite sex (or the same for that mAtter) and yeah you get a bit same old with long term partners but the trouble is when you have children it's not quite so easy to call time.

Mrswinkler · 04/10/2017 06:59

Yes, divorce. A relationship without passion is a killer. You got together really young and if the desire was never there there’s nothing to re-kindle.

Counselling would help your separation rather than helping you stay together and for that I think it would be worth it.

Myheartbelongsto · 04/10/2017 09:54

On a different day you would of been told everyone has the right to leave a relationship doesn't matter what the reasons are.

I don't get from your post that it's me, me, me. You're a young woman and life is too short to be unhappy.

Maybe counselling would help you but I honestly think once your head is turned its only a matter of time.

Poshindevon · 04/10/2017 10:18

I divorced my husband as I came to dislike him so much and felt trapped and unhappy. We were married seven years and like you I worried about finances and how I would manage. My ex gave me a very hard time as he did not believe I had left because I no longer loved him, he was convinced I had met someone else.

This happened when I was 30 it was difficult at the time but I have never regretted my decision. My life improved so much for the better.
Never stay for the sake of your children.

Chaos777 · 04/10/2017 10:23

It sounds like you almost sleepwalked into marriage before you had figured out who you were and what you wanted from life. You are not the person that you were then. The decision to marry must have seemed to make sense at the time, but you have changed over the years.

Perhaps you need time & counselling to figure out what is important to you now and how to achieve it. Take time to figure out your next step - don't just leap into the unknown without a plan. You and your DH can still be good parents together, even if you don't stay together.

WelshMumof1 · 04/10/2017 10:24

Have you talked to your husband about this? Does he feel the same way? I think talk is the first option. Openly and honestly without accusation wherever possible. State what you're unhappy about - maybe there are things that can change to improve. At least give your marriage a chance, for the sake of everyone involved.

That being said if you have tried to make it work and you simply do not love your husband then yes, leave. Try to leave as peacefully and amicably as possible, hard as that may be. Children grow up just fine with two happy parents living separately, but two unhappy fighting parents living together can be quite damaging so don't force it if it's genuinely not working.

You should definitely not jump into bed with someone else no matter how much you might want to right now. That will cause the marriage to end in bitterness and anger and it will be very confusing and upsetting for the kids. You're only 33 and have lots of life left to live - at least give it a decent amount of time after the divorce to date again so that the kids can adjust to having two parents separated.

prettywhiteguitar · 04/10/2017 10:28

I was a single parent for a while, it's not easy without help from family and friends and without your ex taking responsibility too.

My friend has just been through something very similar as your op, they split and she went off and had a lovely time, saw how it went with this other man, unfortunately she didn't like being single and having to balance work and being a single mother and is trying to get back with her husband. I'm not saying don't do it, just try not to destroy everything in the process of finding out what you want.

Original poster

Sparkless · 04/10/2017 12:07

I appreciate all your advice, did you have kids poshindevon?

I really think if I stay I will be staying in an unfulfilling relationship and end up bitter. But if I leave I may also dislike being single and growing old alone but then I guess that's not a reason to stay with someone Is it.

I love my kids and think I can support them and give them lots love to help them adjust. And the hubby will take on responsibility with regards to childcare because he is a good dad.
He just isn't a great or very loving husband.

OP posts:

ems137 · 04/10/2017 12:45

I was in a similar position to you 8 years ago, although I was younger at the time.

I had married my (now ex) husband and then had 2 very young kids, 2&3 years old. I just didn't love him anymore, I married at age 20 and I just wasn't the same person. I lost weight, started having my hair done and buying nice clothes and I felt great. I was bored, not appreciated and just wanted to have more fun in my life, by that I don't mean I wanted to go out clubbing etc I had a lot of friends with little kids too and we used to have BBQs, get the kids to bed and then a few drinks. He hated that.

One night I just thought, I've had enough, it's over, and that was that. The kids coped amazingly, they did have to go to nursery a bit more because I took on an extra day at work but I can honestly say those few years of being single were the best of my life.

I don't know what your husband is like so I couldn't say you'd have the same experience as me. Mine was never hugely interested in the kids and was glad to be able to drink every night without me pulling him up. He just had the children as and when and I let him crack on.

ems137 · 04/10/2017 12:47

Oh and my biggest reason for splitting up was my mum and dad also separating. They'd never been truly happy for as long as I could remember and it was so obvious to us kids. I will never ever waste my life in an unhappy relationship, it's not good for the children and it's not good for you

Original poster

Sparkless · 04/10/2017 13:04

It's good to hear your experience, glad it worked out for you,
I'm older so it does worry me that I'm a bit old to start again on my own and then eventually start dating. I mean it's all online now. eeeekkk.

OP posts:

Poshindevon · 05/10/2017 22:37

OP I did not have children when I left but I was living abroad and on my husbands work permit.which meant I had no way to stay on my own. He got his family to lock me out of our house in the UK and they stripped the house bare. Just some of the wicked things he did.Very acrimonious divorce.
I literally had a suitcase of clothes and some savings.
Believe me when I say even with children I would have left him.
You are never to old to start again.

gg1234 · 16/02/2018 22:02

If your hubby is abusive to you and your children. He has made your life hell Only in that situation you should leave.What is this phrase ." Ripping off the clothes " Sorry to say but you sound so immature.This is not a movie but a marriage .Sexual Libido tears and wears with age and even your looks and body shall be not your identity for long. If you are emotionally connected to him stay with him else don't waste your time .

mm2one · 16/02/2018 22:40

OP. You are 33. Thats not old. If you really want to be single, I guess there is no stopping you. Though I do need to ask, what are you yourself doing to make your own marriage passionate and exciting? It takes work and effort. Do you put work and effort into it?

Regarding singledom, Just remember one thing, all the "good ones" get taken and hook up early. The single people you will find are going to be a mix of divorced ones, never married, ones with issues, ones with lots of baggage, players,...

Be careful what you wish for.

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