Incredibly painful break-up - Please help, really struggling

[grobagsforever]

Hi all,

Boyfriend ended two year relationship a month ago. It ended for good reasons and I had accepted his decision and gone non contact.

I had hoped to feel better by now but the pain is worse. My heart hurts. I am full of regret and what if's wanting to to text him and persuade him it can work.

I haven't done a break up since I was 19. I met DH at uni, he very sadly died in 2014 when I was 33.

i expected a break up to be much easier than a death and of course it is, but in many ways the additional loss is just too much to bear.

Please, please reassure me that I will feel better in time and that all these feelings are normal. Right now I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I am also suffering the fear that I will be alone forever because I am 36 and have 2 DC. I know people can have happy single lives but I don't want that for myself, I want a partner.

Please, I need some reassurance, ideally some stories of getting over painful break ups and eventually finding someone wonderful despite being in 30's with DC.

Crikey I sound pathetic reading that back!

You are grieving I think, it's not only this break up is it - it's the sad loss of your DH, the life you thought you'd have - having found the strength to try again and for it not to work is like going through the grief again.

I feel so much for you. It will of course get better, but it may well take a while longer.

It sounds like you could really benefit from some support - a professional counsellor if you can. It won't necessarily expedite the necessary pain part, but it may well help you have the tools to emerge stronger and very resilient at the other end.

Sending love

sorry for your situation but it will get better.
don't text him, that ship has sailed, keep your dignity.

Thank you missfliss. I may get counselling. When DH died I sought out stories of people who had rebuilt their lives following the loss of a spouse young and used them as proof that being happy again was possible. I just need to find the same evidence for break ups I think!!

No I won't text him. I just want to. But I won't.

So sorry for your loss op.

Why did your boyfriend end the relationship?

For what its worth I am 38 and have 3 children. Never thought I would ever feel this happy after my 12 year marriage ended even though I was the one to end it.

Sending you hugs x

Are you happy now Myheartbelongsto?

He ended it becuase he wasn't in love with me. Fair enough. He is a decent person and it was a good ending but that doesn't make the pain any less.

I found love again at 36 and had another baby when I was 38. I also had 2 dc and am happier now with my dp than I’ve ever been.

I’m so sorry for all the grief you’ve been through. You will eventually get over this. Focus on your children right now, have some fun.
Sending un-mumsnetty hugs your way.

Be kind to yourself OP. You sound like you’ve been through more than more people can imagine in their thirties.

I strongly suggest NC for 30 days (there are good threads on here) you need time with your lovely children and to get yourself into a good headspace. I know it feels like a huge mountain to climb, but trust me when I say if you’ve survived losing someone you love like you did with your DH, then you can survive this. You can.

Perhaps the grief is because you have lost the idea of the happy ever after, after losing your DH and reading all those stories.

but you've still got lots of time to have a happy life. You will find it and perhaps in a more contended way? You can't force love, and even though it's ended with your boyfriend maybe really think about if YOU were happy in the relationship
Would YOU be happy to stay with someone who doesn't love you as much as you deserve to be loved.

A life is constantly being rebuilt

Yup I've done no contact for 30 days! I don't plan on contacting him ever. I have enough friends..

No I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me. I just wish he did!

So fed up of unhappiness and just want to know it will get better.

It seems obvious from here that the immense pain you are feeling is bcs your heart is still exceptionally sore after losing your dh.

It was only 3 years ago - 3 years is early days with such a huge loss.

Take care of yourself. Some people have no taste! Get some kind of support - either counsellor or bereavement support groups. I bet you're not the only widow/er (sorry if you don't like that word) who has been poleaxed by a subsequent breakup xx

I got dumped 2 weeks ago as well for the same reason, and am late thirties as well - it really really hurts and I think there is a lot of grieving for "I wont have the life I thought I would", your whole world staggers.

It will get easier though, because it has to. :)

I know it's early days loss wise. But I am simply not willing to spend years and years of my life feeling miserable.

The cure for grief is motion. To move forward. I need this pain to get to a manageable level so I can start enjoying my life again.

There's stages of grief. It may be that you need time to work through some of them before moving forward again, which is where counselling could be useful.

This is it. I don't want counselling or more grief. I've absolutely had enough. That is not going to be my life. I am going to have a happy and fulfilling life as soon as possible. I just need evidence that it is possible...

have you read any of Somerville's threads? She seems to have created a happy and fulfilling life after bereavement.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2586932-Dating-again-gulp-after-being-widowed

Sorry, that sounded a bit abrupt, but I was just thinking of evidence that it is possible.

Grobags, have you heard of the nine box grid approach to life? You make a big square and divide it up so there are three rows of three squares inside.
In each of these you write down a very important aspect of your life so you have nine of them.
E.g. Family, Work, Love, Fitness, Home, Travel, Community, Spirituality/Religion etc. You choose them, though it's recommended you always include Community in some form.

the aim is to focus on and develop each of these key areas of your life until they are all as important as each other. the theory is that when something awful happens in one area, the other eight support you through it and give you pillars of happiness and relief from thinking about it.

Although I think it's impossible to make DC take equal shares in life with anyone or anything else, I think pretty much everyone and thing else can.
The idea was introduced to me by a friend after I went through a very horrible break up and it massively helped me back to happiness and kept me going without finding love for several years until I met DH.
I still use it now if I feel down or in a rut. Just draw a square, fill it out and then make immediate, short term and long term plans and goals for each aspect of life and get down to fulfilling them.

@millifiori I haven't but that's a great idea! Thank you!

Yes I know Somerville :)

I think the feelings of rejection are worse after a break up than a bereavement because you know that the person who died, loved you and didn't choose to leave you.

I was told once that it takes 18 months to get over a really bad break up and it did with me the first time it happened. However the second time it happened, many years later, like you, I thought to myself 'I am not allocating that much of my life to getting over this', and concentrated on keeping busy and getting out there and just looking for pleasure in life. Having said that, it is very early days and I think you need to allow yourself to 'wallow' for a bit and be kind to yourself, so that you can move on from that stage (tick the box if you like!). One day I woke up and thought 'I am fed up with being fed up' and moved onto the next stage.
Try to count your blessings - you are lucky that you have 2 kids, not a biological clock that is ticking, so you can afford to take your time.
As for evidence I am sure that there is loads - you know that really! The only thing I would say is don't settle. Take your time and try to enjoy life as it is for a while...and remember that sometimes love comes from places when you aren't looking so keep an open mind. Just try to enjoy your kids and the life you have, I am sure the rest will follow.

Hey there.
Want to start off by saying I am extremely sorry about your breakup. I,for one,know how hard a heartbreak is. I would always need a rebound(worst decision to take!!!)just so i would feel less lonely. I quickly understood this about myself that I am someone to who needs someone else to rely on for happiness and that is extremely unhealthy. But I am not here to teach you about life of course, just another shoulder for you to cyber lean on and cry.
And yeah my brother-in-law who is 42 got divorced start of the year and he got 2 DC who live with their mother now. Just a month back he remarried a woman who is 38 with 2 DC of her own and they are very happy together,so there is HOPE. Infact this happens a lot and is not uncommon. But the most important thing is to choose your next partner carefully and when you are ready. The pain eases with time trust me. You will find love and happiness again and until then concentrate on nursing your little heart and millifiori way of coping sounds a good way to start!

Goodluck darling

Thanks all. There is no way I putting up with feeling like this for 18 months

millifiori, you gave 8 examples for squares. Any ideas on the 9th? I've gone blank here. Bloody great plan!

Grobags, you'll get through this. It's obvious you will

I feel for you, I lost my H in 2008 and when I had a subsequent breakup in 2013 it completely floored me.

Someone told me once that for every year you are together, you can expect to feel shit for 2 months of that. So if you were with the ex for 2 years, you should expect 4 months of grieving, gradually tapering off, until you feel fully yourself again.

(Not necessarily ready to date, but happy in yourself.)

Sending hugs OP