Incredibly painful break-up - Please help, really struggling

[grobagsforever]

Hi all,

Boyfriend ended two year relationship a month ago. It ended for good reasons and I had accepted his decision and gone non contact.

I had hoped to feel better by now but the pain is worse. My heart hurts. I am full of regret and what if's wanting to to text him and persuade him it can work.

I haven't done a break up since I was 19. I met DH at uni, he very sadly died in 2014 when I was 33.

i expected a break up to be much easier than a death and of course it is, but in many ways the additional loss is just too much to bear.

Please, please reassure me that I will feel better in time and that all these feelings are normal. Right now I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I am also suffering the fear that I will be alone forever because I am 36 and have 2 DC. I know people can have happy single lives but I don't want that for myself, I want a partner.

Please, I need some reassurance, ideally some stories of getting over painful break ups and eventually finding someone wonderful despite being in 30's with DC.

Crikey I sound pathetic reading that back!

Springy you can choose your own, though I think they suggest you always include community and I have a feeling one I missed out that they suggest is 'Me'. As in personal development - spending time learning things you want to learn or working on an aspect of your mindset that you'd like to change. That sort of thing. I think. But it could also be finances (different from work in that work might be a career plan and finances might be income until you get that career plan in place) or creativity or friends or hobbies.

Not creativity...I can barely create toast!

Hey ((hug))

You've done really, really well not to contact him.

Your poor head & heart are going through so much. You weren't on your own very long after your DH died, not long enough to really grieve properly & get a solid footing. Your BF helped you feel better about life & give you hope for the future - but now you're left still grieving DH, hurt over a break up and scared about the future. It's a shitbplace to be in.

Of course you'll find someone, you're lovely 🌷 but first of all you need to find the you that you are, on your own, as an adult. You were a uni student when you met your DH, you've never been on your own as an adult, other than a short while, whilst grieving.

Gather your kids & (loving & supportive) friends & family around you and build a life for yourself and your DC. Be happy & love will find you again.

I take your point Chipping. I'm actually an incredibly independent person - being in a relationship doesn't affect that for me. But that doesn't stop the pain. I just want to know it will all be ok one day. That this pain, panic attacks etc will all stop. Because I've had enough of wasting my life feeling sad.

It's only a month, feels like ages when you are feeling down, but in the grand scheme it really isn't long. Keep busy and block anything on social media. You will be ok x

Sometimes counselling can be helpful when trying to make sense out of a situation that has no sense. However you sound very grounded and sadly will have to deal with your loss as best you can. One thing to re,ember when suffering a loss is that it often brings up other forgotten past losses. This is where grief can can get more complex if not made sense of.
I will say that the grief I suffered when my marriage ended went on for a long long time. Much longer than a subsequent close traumatic bereavement. I’m sure that this was because of my absolute fury and confusion that I’d been rejected by my exh.
You don’t sound furious. You sound sane and resigned. I wish you well with getting through this. Time honestly does help as does surrounding yourself with friendships. Just so you keep reminding yourself you are still loved

I know you wont believe it but 36 is positively youthful. I left my dh at 37. Thought I would be an old spinster just me and DD from my marriage. At 38 I met my exdp and was with him 4 years until getting unceremoniously dumped. I had no intention of being a serial dating mother, nor did I want to be single though. A month later at 42 I went on Tinder (for the compliments not going to lie!! Needed confidence!) Met dp who became my husband two months ago after nearly three years together. I turned 46 last week and happiest I've ever been. I think you can absolutely decide to pull your bootstraps up and get back on the horse. You're right for someone, he's probably been in a relationship up until now and wouldn't have been free anyway, but when the timings right. .you'll meet each other,just make sure you keep open to opportunity

I see what you mean about the difference in grief after a death and after a break up. A death is final and there's no iffs and buts, no unsaid answers or "should I text him" element. I'm so sorry for your loss of your DH, I think this break up is restarting the grief you experienced from that.
I recently split with my children's dad. One DD, another on the way and he told me to leave when I told him I was pregnant (his baby) he just doesn't want it. I have to see him when he comes and gets DD and he barely acknowledges me. My heart breaks every time I think about how good we once were and now I'm no one to him. So many questions, how can he just switch off like that, why didn't he think I was worth trying, why didn't he address any problems he had before rather than using this baby as an excuse, what will his relationship with new baby be like, will he ever care about it, will he ever address what he's done to me. These questions are applicable to you but you probably have a long list in your head too. I posted on here not long ago asking if my heart will ever heal from this, when will I stop crying. Now I sound like all the replies I got, you just move on. Week by week it gets slightly easier and soon you'll have accepted that this is it, it will ever not hurt and you'll never feel fine about it but eventually it'll just be a part of your past. Be kind to yourself, cry if you need to. Surround yourself with people that love you and want to see you smile and know that one persons opinion of you doesn't determine how the world sees you.
Hand holding

Lesis is right. You have been through some hellish times but you are still so young.
DH and I didn't have DC until I was 39. It's pretty common these days for people to meet their life partner in their late 30s and early 40s. The pain of the separation is extra-vicious because it compounds your bereavement - and that's a tragedy which is really hard to come to terms with. But you don't want to be with someone who is not deeply in love with you. You will find someone who is. And when that happens, the peace of it will be worth the pain now and the waiting.

That's a lovely post @millifiori . Thank you

@grobags my pleasure.
And LOL at 'can barely create toast.' Bet you can easily find nine aspects of life you really do want to enrich even without the threat of crochet needles or oil paints. Bet you can, bet you can.